About Mars: Mass Effect
by LJAndersen
Summary: The first Normandy brought them together. Shepard's death and Cerberus drove them apart. Two and a half years after the first Normandy exploded around them, Shepard and Kaidan are serving together again. The Normandy has been rebuilt. Their relationship may not be as lucky. Is there still a foundation under the ash and embers of heated words? Mass Effect 3, Shenko, femshep
1. Chapter 1

Shepard's ribs shrank tighter each passing minute. Each minute they hadn't reached the Citadel. When it happened the air had stopped moving. The only sound she could hear was her own heartbeat. Then he fell limp, helmet lolling to the side. The reality of it – Kaidan dead – felt like getting torn out an airlock. One moment everything's safe, your boots are on solid ground, each breath alive with oxygen. As it should be. The next, everything's depressurizing, alarming, and you're sucked into the vacuum of space, spinning and clawing at the emptiness, gasping for breath. Like dying. Her experience of it anyway.

But he wasn't dead. Pale, cold, and dying, but not dead. He lay on a metal bed in front of her chair. The fluorescents flickered overhead giving his skin a waxiness she only saw on corpses. She hunched forward. The folding chair wobbled and with a squeak tipped her forward. One leg was too short. It would drive Kaidan crazy if he was sitting here.

She smiled despite herself. "You remember the folding chairs, Kaidan? Ground team debrief. I'd set up a circle in the corner of the cargo hold. And after Feros? You can't pretend you don't remember. The wobbly chair. I could see it eating at you the whole time. Each time you shifted in that chair your face would get more strained, jaw tightening, nostrils flaring. You started to sit ramrod straight. Absolutely still. May have kept the meeting going a little longer than needed, I'll admit. Began to walk around as I spoke, brush against your shoulder. Your chair would wobble. About the fourth pass, you started shooting me a death glare every time I came by your chair. Ha.

"The moment the meeting ended, you smacked the chair upside down and started working at the feet. I bent down and opened my palm. The missing cap for the back chair leg. Your face! You were all sputtery. How did I even know where you would sit? I pointed around at all the chairs and dropped a pocketful of caps at your feet. One for each chair, every back, right leg. Every one but mine. No one else even noticed. It only bothered you. Like I knew it would."

She laughed and folded her hands on the edge of the metal table. She glanced up at his face. Bruises marbled his features, dark and growing. Her laughter choked. She cleared her throat and gave him a tight smile. "Remember the next debriefing? Do you remember, Kaidan? You thought I wasn't looking when you came in. You exchanged our chairs. You had this cute, little canary-savoring smile when I turned around. Adorable. But I suspected what you'd do. I even looked away so you could do it. You plopped down, smug smile, and … well, we both know what happened, don't we?"

Shepard scrapped her seat closer to him. "I just meant to bother you, you know. Another wobbly chair, and I knew you'd be checking out the chair's feet when you came in. Couldn't pull the same trick. I just … ha, I didn't mean for it to break on you. Not completely. A little too much aplomb in your victorious drop onto the seat, I guess. I still remember Liara yelling, 'Oh, Goddess!' and clutching her chest like she'd seen you shot. Garrus had to figure out what the hell happened. He bolted over, turned the chair upside down, and found the loose hinge with an 'ah ya.' Then there was Ash - tearing up and pounding her leg. If Wrex and Tali had been with the ground team, you really would have had an audience. Krogan laughter shakes walls. You frowned at me, then dusted yourself off with an 'oh, clumsy me' shrug for everyone else. You were so pleased with yourself before your ass hit the floor. I remember you lurking in the doorway, seeing which chair I sat in. It didn't wobble on me. Kept all my weight on my heels, pal. I knew your methods."

He was so still. For one cold second, she thought he was dead. She lifted her fingers to his face and felt his breath – soft and faint. She released her breath. She couldn't resist touching his lips. Her fingertips crested over each lip. The pain in her chest sharpening, and she pulled back.

He was still in his armor, blood-stained, most of it Cerberus blood. At least, she hoped. It had to be uncomfortable lying there in that. She'd have him out of it, blanket tucked around his shoulders if she could. Anything to ease this for him. Ease this for herself. She couldn't see his chest expanding and falling under armor. She touched his lips again to reassure herself he was breathing. Just a second to feel the softness of – She sat back sharply and cleared her throat.

"Anyway, you're a good sport, Kaidan. Still sorry it broke on you. Said as much when I caught you alone later raiding the mess." Shepard worked his gauntlet off and dropped it on the floor. She held his hand. His skin was cool, like his blood was already slowing. Shepard bit her lips and concentrated on his face instead.

"Remember how you got back at me? And don't tell me it wasn't premeditated. I still don't believe you. It was Noveria, remember? They let me keep my gun, then put me through that little security tap and dance number. I was posing for my dumbass clearance badge, and you cracked that stupid birthing cow joke. For the record, I was laughing at you, not the joke. That joke might be a showstopper at a seven-year-old's birthday party, but uh, you need to adult-up your jokes. Seriously, as a marine, I'm embarrassed you don't know more dirty jokes. Or maybe you do. You better not have a cache of dirty jokes and still chose to give me the birthing cow one."

She traced his fingers. Remembered them. She remembered his fingers intertwining with hers. His hands holding her face. Remembered the way he stroked her hair when Ash died, his face pressed down in her hair, his breath wet and catching. She worked her fingers between his and squeezed his palm.

"Anyway, stop getting me off topic. I'm complaining about Noveria. You told me your damn decalf-einated joke. I laughed. At you. And that was the snapshot they got. I hollered for a redo, but you tap this sign on the wall. Then that bitchy security guard started tapping it too. No retakes. No retakes! Like a delete and re-click takes more time than walking over to tap a plastic sign on the wall. Your picture, Ash's picture – both serious, stern, soldierly. Me? You can see the back of my throat. Hair in my mouth, one eye half closed. It's lucky I didn't have snot bubbling from my nose. Now, you can't tell me that wasn't premeditated, Alenko. Maybe premeditated by minutes, the seconds between seeing the sign and dredging up your kid's birthday party joke, but still. Premeditated.

"I had to clip that picture to my chest. Got barked at every time I tried to turn the picture around. I just acted like it was an accident. 'Oh, really? Turned around again? You don't say.' And the screens, Kaidan! If their greeting wasn't a warm enough welcome, they flash my face over every screen in the compound. A friendly reminder to let everyone know a Spectre was on the premise. To encourage compliance with my investigation. You never bought that either, right? Yeah, no. I didn't think so. Clearly keeping everyone on alert so they _wouldn't _comply. And that lovely security picture? 'Spectre Shepard is here.' The dignified Spectre on all the giant screens haw-hawing, one-eye squeezed shut. We'd come around a new corner and bam! Another screen of it. Then I'd hear the punchline of the birthing cow joke. You whispering 'decalf-einated' at my back. Ash snickering. Imagine if the press had a copy of that picture? You have a copy somewhere, don't you? Don't even answer. I know you do."

She pressed his hand between hers and drew in a shaky breath. His eyelids were blackening, no movement, not even dreaming. The bruises were deepening over his entire face. She squeezed his hand and forced another smile. He had changed so much.

"You had a nice trick back there, Kaidan," Shepard whispered. "Liara called it Reaving. Fancy. Trying to impress me? You did. You're so confident too. Bearing, voice, no more oscillating, hesitancy. Good idea with the tram, with the short-range radio, that ambush in the control room. I'd like to see you on the field directing a team. Always knew you were special. Leadership material if you'd only ever make a decision and not hold back, believe in yourself. I always believed in you. But you knew that didn't you, Kaidan?"

His skin swelled across his cheeks and around his eyes. He had no expression. Vacantness. Because he's dying. Her heart twisted. She sucked in a breath.

"It can't end like this, Kaidan." She touched his jaw. A light touch. She didn't want to make anything worse. If his face was swollen, broken, and bruised, what did his brain look like? That sharp, intense mind she missed. She may have come back from the dead but he wouldn't. "The last thing we say to each other can't be our words on Mars. I'm not a husk, Kaidan, or the Illusive Man's puppet. Against all odds, I'm really, really not. And I'm alive. Maybe some new parts. No one should see machinery glowing through their skin, but I'm still me. What counts is here. Right here."

"Commander?" Jokers' voice came overhead.

Shepard rocked back in her chair. "Joker? ETA?"

"Seven minutes out. Medical transport standing by."

"Good." Shepard stood. She brushed her fingertips on his lips and felt the slow breath. "Keep that up. The breathing. Unconscious part? I'll allow it for now, I guess." She ran her eyes over him. Scuffed and bloody armor, black and blue face, his hair in disarray. She touched his hair. A faint energy crackled across her skin. His biotics. Her heart lifted. It was like feeling the pulse of his heartbeat. It showed he hadn't gone. He had to live. She wanted to remember him face flushed and alive, not a shell with the soul draining away.

"Seven minutes, Kaidan," she said. Something from Mars came to mind, and her lips curve up. She looked him in the face. "I'm the person you loved, huh? Said the same thing on Horizon. Might have been nice to hear when it was present tense. Before I died. I'll give you a pass though. I've only told my parents that. So, you got me beat even by putting it in the past. Is it really so past, though, Kaidan?"

She brushed his hair back again and chuckled. "And, just so you know, Major, the hell I will 'Kaidan' you again. You haven't heard the last of it. Ha. And, I'll mess with your folding chair. Don't put it past me." She bent down, hesitated – maybe she shouldn't – she stamped a kiss on his check and pulled back with a snap. "Five second rule. So, uh, doesn't count. Not taking advantage of you. If this was a fairytale, you'd be thanking me right now."

The med bay door slid open. Liara swished into the room. "Shepard, we're almost there. We should get him down to the bay. Is he still …"

"Yes. He is."

"I'll get James with the stretcher." She dashed away.

Shepard turned back to Kaidan and squeezed his shoulder. "Hey, what do you call a cow that just gave birth?" She rubbed a hand across her face and sniffled. "I'll find you some better material, Kaidan. So … stand by."

James and Liara burst into the medbay with a stretcher. Shepard took the end from Liara and angled it next to his bed.

"Let's move him out."


	2. Chapter 2

Martian dust swirled around them. Kaidan's breath froze in his throat. They'd executed them. The Alliance soldiers had been on their knees, weapons surrendered, and hands behind their heads. The Cerberus troopers had just executed them. Executed them like they were dead weight. The gunshot tore Kaidan's heart from his chest still echoing in his ears. The Alliance soldiers dropped to the ground.

This was his second greatest fear. His greatest fear had just happened. Was still happening. The reapers. They had descended on Vancouver. He'd left it burning. Home. The skyline of his childhood crumbling away. And he left his family. Left them behind in the flames and smoke, high rises collapsing, city blocks vaporizing under Reaper beams. But, he couldn't think about that now. He needed to focus on one thing: Cerberus.

Shepard scrambled to her feet, red gravel spitting under her boots, gripping her pistol in both hands. The world slowed. There was only the sound of his own breathing and blood rushing in his ears. Waiting. If her pistol swung toward him, he wasn't sure he could do it – shoot her. Instead, she only glanced at him and sprung over the metal slat they'd used for cover. Vega was on her heels, eager and energized. He trusted her. Hackett and Anderson trusted her.

Kaidan rushed out behind her. A bullet pinged his barrier, but he kept straight at them. All he wanted to do was kill them. Kill them for killing surrendered forces. No soldier did that. No soldiers but Cerberus. Then again, they weren't really soldiers at all. They were terrorist in expensive Titan armor with high-end assault rifles.

Shepard Threw the nearest trooper. Vega's rifle had two troopers rushing for cover with their shields wavering. Shepard spun Singularity at them. Kaidan's Warps tore apart their last veil of shielding, and they were pulled into the vortex of Shepard's Singularity. Vega made quick work of them.

The last two had already started running. One took cover behind a boulder and raised his rifle at Kaidan. Kaidan slammed into him sending him reeling toward the Singularity. Shepard's Warp tore apart his shield, and Kaidan Threw him into Singularity's pull.

The last trooper was booking it at full speed toward the Archive. He'd even dropped his assault rifle in favor of speed. Kaidan and Shepard lunged after him at the same time. The bullets from Shepard's pistol sparked against the man's shield. Kaidan gathered a wave of energy and released it. His vision flared. Kaidan armor crackled with a biotic mantle of glowing chainmail.

The result was ugly for the trooper. Shepard must have taken down the man's shield just as Kaidan released his Reave. The man screamed, clawing at his armor as waves of energy rippled over him. He fell. He didn't even try to catch himself. He writhed in the red dirt. Kaidan's barrier flared with the surge of energy. There wasn't any need to finish the trooper off. The man died releasing a long howl. Then he went silent. Kaidan clutched his assault rifle to his chest and turned around.

Vega was staring at him. He may not have known Kaidan was a biotic. But Shepard had equally round eyes. Her eyebrows were high, and she glanced between Kaidan and the dead trooper. Either surprised by the Reave or just the heat behind his attack, he wasn't sure. Vega pulled his eyes away, bent, and turned over a dead trooper. Shepard hopped around him and waved them forward.

Vega scurried after her. "Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?"

Before Kaidan could respond, Shepard spoke. "Sure looked like it."

_Sure looked like it?_ The bastards had Cerberus logos emblazoned on their armor. The troopers wore the same uniform armor as they had for years. A civilian knew it. Yet, they only _looked _like Cerberus. Giving Cerberus the benefit of a doubt? That was either naïve or flippant. Maybe misdirecting. Kaidan knew who the attackers were, though, and he was damned sure they didn't just _look _like Cerberus.

Kaidan had suspected Cerberus was planning something like this, but he never imagined this scale. Never imagined them moving in concert with the reapers. He'd spent two years of his life hunting them, trying to derail their schemes, expose their plans. And here it was. It was real. It hadn't all been in his head. All the preparation he saw - tech-enhanced troopers, salvaging Reaper technology, the last six months of extra time - it all came down to this moment: Cerberus attacking the Alliance.

The reapers were attacking the Alliance and instead of defending humanity and Earth, Cerberus was helping them. And now Cerberus was here, the Mars Archives, sixty minutes after Hackett ordered them here. Whatever Cerberus was after had to be what they were after too.

"Ceberus," Kaidan said. "What are they doing here?"

"Good question."

"You don't know?"

She worked with them for months, lead a top mission for the Illusive Man, collaborated with his most trusted operatives. She had talked to the Illusive Man directly according to trial records, and not just once, dozens of times. Just the two of them over a fancy quantum entanglement comm system. She was in deep. You didn't get that deep and not hear something like this being planned. Something of this scale. Something probably planned for years. Even just a rumor, an overheard conversation in the hall, an email she'd read on an open terminal while walking by. Maybe a series of observations that meant nothing at the time now lining up with what they were seeing.

"I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking."

That wasn't an answer. It wasn't an unreasonable question, but she was dismissing it. Deflecting. Relabel his legitimate concern as some roundabout personal accusation, and he could be written off.

Kaidan glanced sideways at Shepard's Omni-Tool. Whatever restrictions it had while in detention had clearly been lifted. It had attack processes running, and she'd used it to communicate with Joker. She could communicate with anyone now she was free. And Cerberus, of all times, was here. Right when Shepard found out about it. Perhaps she had a way to communicate with them while in lock up. Cerberus had technology beyond anything they'd seen. They bought people and used camouflaged channels to communicate with other operatives.

_I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking._ Strange to rush into denying it.

"It wasn't," Kaidan said. "But you have to admit it's a bit … convenient."

They ran into more troopers. The Archives had been accessed with security codes. An inside job. The Illusive Man's favorite kind. Shepard leaped up the ramp to the Archive's elevator. An inside job didn't mean it was Shepard, but it cemented the value of being on guard against the gun walking beside you.

"Shepard," Kaidan tried again coming into the elevator. "I need a straight answer."

"Kaidan …" Shepard sighed.

A brush off? Fire spread through his veins. She was downplaying everything he said. He wasn't a child with foolish questions to deserve eye rolling and pats on the head. If he'd only kept on Cerberus's trail the last six months, the Alliance wouldn't be fighting this war on two fronts. And those soldiers wouldn't have a bullet between their eyes. The galaxy could lose to the reapers because of this. Because Kaidan had given up. He'd abandoned hunting Cerberus. Abandoned it because of _her_.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me!" He closed the distance between them.

He had retreated and this was the result. She knew he couldn't fight against her. Not with his feelings for her and their history. He had backed down as Cerberus probably predicted, even intended, and now this. He'd be damned if she was going to manipulate their personal history to further any more of Cerberus's plans.

And, _Kaidan? _ He wasn't _Kaidan. _He was an Alliance soldier. And she wasn't _his _Shepard_. _She was someone who had headed a Cerberus operation and, up until two hours ago, had been in Alliance custody. It couldn't be personal. He left Vancouver, left his family. He left them behind in the flames, because he knew it was bigger than that. It had to be the same here. The whole galaxy was relying on this mission. If this mission failed, it was on him. He'd be responsible. If something in the Archives was crucial to defeating the reapers, the galaxy's last hope, the whole war - all life - could be lost in this one moment. He'd failed the galaxy long enough because of their past together. This mission would be different.

"This is business." He drove a finger at her, heat flowing through his veins.

All he wanted was one straight answer. Was that so damn hard? It wasn't asking too much no matter how much she belittled his question. She had to know something she wasn't saying. Anything.

"Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?" he repeated.

She spun on him. "What makes you think I know what they're up to?"

_What made him_ – She was still deflecting! Unbelievable. She was actually asking him why he thought she might know something. He wanted to laugh. Laugh or punch a wall. She was the one who had just jumped to the defense and denied still working with them. The answer was right there: She had worked with them. She couldn't take the high ground and act insulted, because he asked the question. Of course, she might know something. It was only reasonable to wonder. He drew in a long breath and modulated his tone.

"You worked for them for God's sake. How am I not supposed to think that?" He walked to the elevator railing.

"We joined forces to take down the Collectors. That's it."

That's it? Like she'd subcontracted hero work from them or something. If it wasn't so ludicrous and the galaxy and everything he loved wasn't falling apart, he really would laugh. She wasn't some merc a Cerberus operative hired out of Omega to work on commission. They brought her back from the dead, and she joined them willingly. She hadn't pushed the Alliance and Council into action, made it work like she always had before. She barely even tried. Instead, she chose Cerberus. Relied on Cerberus agents and the Illusive Man instead of turning to ...

Overall, she operated with Cerberus support which depended on their approval. Despite her assertions of being independent, she was never free. She couldn't just abscond with their ship and set out on her own mission. Cerberus paid for the fuel, the maintenance, the upgrades. They paid her crew. Probably paid her. All her gear, her intelligence tips, everything she knew or did went through them. They had control. She could leave maybe, but in bare feet and rags. She owed them, and they owned her. Maybe she'd broken away from them after the Collector mission, but to say they joined forces and that was all? No. She was being simple with that summation.

"There's more to it," Kaidan said facing the wall. "They rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resources."

"Let me be clear." She came up beside him. "I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collectors' base. And I have no idea why they're here or what they want."

Was that so hard? She stared hard at him through the slot of plexiglass in her helmet. Vega came up on Kaidan's other side.

"Commander Shepard's been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they've communicated since."

The knot in Kaidan's chest loosened. She'd denied it. Finally, a straight answer. Even Vega was affirming Shepard didn't have ties to Cerberus anymore. Kaidan had just needed to hear it. Hear it from her. Know she wasn't involved and didn't know anything. Why make it so difficult? The empty look in her eye bit into him. She turned away.

"Sorry, Shepard," he said. "It's just that—"

The room pressurized. His voice cut away in the hiss of vents overhead and the elevator switched into gear. Shepard pulled her helmet off. She turned to him and something about seeing her face took it out of him. Meeting her eyes through plexiglass and hearing her voice, it wasn't as if he forgot who he was talking to. But seeing her face, that pinched expression and raised chin, that made it real.

"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan."

His heart twisted. Hell, he wanted this person in front of him to be Shepard. To really be her. He didn't want this to be a trap. He didn't want to be on guard, but if he didn't … Vega wasn't going to stand against her. Kaidan was the only one who could catch this if it went sideways. And at the end of it all, he really didn't know her. Not anymore. Even if it was Shepard, it didn't mean she was the same person. She was leading this mission. He'd follow her, but not to his doom. Not to the galaxy's doom. This wasn't about them. It was bigger. The elevator reached the top.

"Please trust me," she said.

"I do," he said falling in a step behind her. It hurt to hold her eye but he did. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

Gunfire sent them scurrying for cover. They had found Liara. Liara was a different person than the cheery, awkward professor from two years ago. She shot the troopers through the head with ice in her eyes. And she was the Shadow Broker. That gave Kaidan pause. He stood on the sidelines listening, and the gravity sank in. The galaxy had one real chance. _This_ was it. Plans for a weapon. Cerberus really was tearing away the galaxy's last hope. It should be the reapers they were fighting to recover these plans, not other humans. It was senseless. His chest burned, but he needed to keep a cool head.

Cerberus had planted someone in the Archive's team. Kaidan stared at the security footage. The strain between his shoulders eased. With Shepard's denial and Vega's validation, Kaidan had accepted Shepard wasn't behind this attack. She didn't know anything. She hadn't passed Cerberus entrance codes or any confidential Alliance intel about Mars. Still, it was good to see the confirmation. It didn't mean Shepard should be trusted necessarily. There were factors beyond this.

Kaidan suggested using the helmet-to-helmet transmitter. He didn't expect what he'd see when he found it.

"Shepard, I have something," he called as he worked off the trooper's face plate.

"What've you got?" Shepard came up behind him.

Kaidan lifted the mask away. His insides liquified. "My God. He's a husk."

He reeled back. A reaper face stared back at him in Cerberus armor. Kaidan had read autopsy reports on troopers, but this was way beyond any of that. Sure, those troopers had been modified, and even as Anderson pointed out, they seemed like organic versions of a husk. But they were living men. This wasn't just modification with implants. The trooper was a husk. A Cerberus husk.

Even dead, the trooper's eyes glowed. His withered skin exposed a network of tech instead of bone. Some sort of blue plasma phosphoresced as it oozed out of skin and eyes. The troopers six months ago had real, red human blood. Kaidan remembered it on the floor. To be embalmed with this blue ooze ... This man wasn't alive and improved with tech enhancement, he was dead. Cerberus had resurrected him with reaper technology. The man had been stripped down to nothing and completely rebuilt with hardware and science no one understood. Dead and reanimated like a husk. Dead and reanimated like Shepard. Kaidan looked sideways at her. She bent down to the trooper's helmet.

"Yeah, not quite." She was answering his observation about the trooper being a husk. Kaidan tried to refocus. She was still speaking. "But they've definitely done something to him."

"And by 'they' you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy?"

The Illusive Man was deranged. He couldn't be following more in the reaper's footprints. Enhancing his troopers with tech was one thing, but killing them? Rebuilding them like an organic body was a pile of building blocks, using reaper technology to make them into living dead and control them? These were his own troops, likely just naïve volunteers. How many were promised enhancements and had their skin burned away instead and poison pumped through their veins? If Cerberus could do this to their foot soldiers, what couldn't they do with billions of credits and time? The result didn't have to be so heavy handed, not where aesthetic mattered. There was irony studying this trooper – this thing - rebuilt and reanimated by Cerberus, while he stood next to someone also rebuilt and reanimated by Cerberus.

"Is this what they did to you?" he asked.

Shepard's breath caught, and fire flashed in her eyes. "How can you compare me to him?"

Her metal eyes, the implants glowing under her skin, and who knew what else – Cerberus had modified her, too, just like this trooper. They brought her back from the dead. She wasn't a mindless husk but neither were the Cerberus troopers. Their degree of autonomy and how much was left of who they were, Kaidan didn't know. Were they more organic person or synthetic puppet? Shepard was clearly a high-end project, a culmination of years and billions of credits. She was leaps above a Cerberus trooper, but the similarity was there. She had guile and strategy. The destruction she could cause to the Alliance, humanity, the galaxy was a hundred-fold what an army of troopers could manage.

This could be the Illusive Man's end game for her. She was absorbed into the Alliance again, desperation moving her into a position of power and trust. The Collector Base never made sense, but something like this - _this _made sense, a cataclysmic betrayal in the eleventh hour. Perhaps she didn't condone what was happening at the Archives. She was killing them after all. But then again, it was the only way to maintain her sleeper status until some higher, longer-range goal was within reach. The Illusive Man didn't care about losing men.

Kaidan had to keep on his toes. Bringing Shepard's body back to life didn't mean they brought _her _back to life. The husk in front of them was proof of that, living but dead. What had this thing looked like before it was a thing? A boy with freckles and an overbite? Maybe a kid with dimples and buck teeth? Who knew anymore? If Cerberus had incentive, they could have put his face back. They made robots look human. They could do a lot to cover up what was underneath. If they had incentive. All Shepard's memories and personality ticks were programmable. She could be a VI. Could be anything. He wasn't going to lose this mission at the eleventh hour to a sudden switch in loyalties. He had to keep his guard up. He wasn't going to be Nihlus.

"Shepard, I don't know what you are – or who – not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet controlled by the Illusive Man himself."

"Kaidan …"

She was tugging on their past again. He wouldn't let himself be manipulated, not while it mattered on this level. If he let himself be blinded by his feelings, it wouldn't just be him paying for it. It would be all organic life.

"Don't try to explain it. I don't think I'd understand anyway."

The longer he looked at her, though, the stronger his heart beat against his ribs. What if she was trapped in herself like Benezia? Or, if she was the Illusive Man's marionette, maybe there was still a part of her there. That part of her could be looking out at him right now.

"I just want to know," Kaidan said stepping closer. "Is the person I followed to hell and back – the person I loved – are you still in there … somewhere?"

Shepard's brow twinged, and she reached for him. "They didn't change me, Kaidan, or the way I feel about you."

It felt hollow. He shouldn't have expected anything else. He asked for reassurance. She gave it. Reflexive. There was only one answer. It was almost a rhetorical question and now her admission felt like the following silence. Everything else – her blase attitude on Horizon, not replying to his email, not contacting him for six months – that spoke louder. Louder than some reassurance he'd dragged out of her with a question that only had one right answer. He'd let his emotions wear through. He was desperate for … for something. But this wasn't it. He pulled back from her.

Her mouth turned down, but she forced a smile over it. "But words won't convince you, will they?"

"Probably not."

"Didn't think so." She shoved his arm and flashed a tight smile. "You were always stubborn?"

"Me?" He nearly laughed.

"Come on. Let's see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe we'll both get our answers."

He caught himself smiling at her. For a moment, just a second, he was talking to Shepard. Whether she was really there, whether she was talking back, he didn't know. But for him, for a second … He watched her call the Cerberus team with the transmitter. It felt like her in so many ways. Cerberus responded on comm. The plan was working.

Kaidan released a tight breath and let the smile play on his lips. Hours from now, this mission would be settled one way or another. They either won or lost everything. If they were still here and they succeeded, then things would slow down. At least, long enough to talk. He still cared about her, could still feel his heart pounding every time their eyes met. In a few hours when the galaxy wasn't on his shoulders, when his feelings only risked himself, it could just be them. They could talk. Only a few hours. It wasn't that long to wait.


	3. Chapter 3

Nurses bustled in and out. Doctors stood over him in white coats. Moving mouths, datapads, monitors wailing like fire alarms in his head. Light, dark, a blur of voices and faces. Antiseptic and stale air. What was real, what wasn't, nothing made sense. For a long time, he didn't care.

Pain. There wasn't any doubt that was real. A cutting and aching pressure. In his skull. It hurt so sharply he couldn't draw air into his lungs, couldn't loosen the coiled muscles up his neck, couldn't speak or hold his eyes open. Sometimes it was all he knew, and he wondered how dying could take so damn long. Perhaps time slowed as you died, nerves screaming and pain exploding until the echo of the heartbeat died away so, so slowly. Then he was awake. Really awake.

"What-what happened?" he croaked.

An asari nurse sighed. "Again, I repeat, you have a head injury."

A chill leached into his blood. He struggled to sit up in bed.

"No, no, no." The asari pushed him back down. "Stay reclined."

"I'm a L2 … did—Is my head injury a side effect?"

"Blunt force. We've gone through this before." The asari grumbled and checked the monitors. "There. More drugs. You'll have a nice rest now."

"Wait. My head … was there … the reapers in Vancouver. Archives. Cerberus. Shepard!"

The asari clicked her tongue and pressed a button on the monitor. "Perhaps a little more."

"No." Kaidan tried to hold onto the room, haloed lights, skycars flashing outside the window, the faucet dripping in the corner, air from the vent overhead stirring his hair. It all faded away. Again.

XXX

"It was touch and go for a while." Dr. Michel paced at the end of his bed with her datapad. "How are you feeling?"

"Awake. Like to stay that way more."

"We can taper the pain meds, but it may be more uncomfortable than you anticipate. Your skull is fractured, broken ribs, brain still recovering from the trauma and swelling. Recovery won't happen overnight. Dr. Oliver talked to you about your implant?"

"Yeah." Kaidan adjusted his head against the pillow. The movement made him cringe. Turning down the pain meds could be premature, but he needed to stay lucid. Everything was so in and out, reality and dream mixing, his memory bleeding away with each waking. "Can I watch the news? Nurse seems to think it will work me up. Worsen something."

"We want you to not stress. Rest, relax, recover."

"I know Earth was attacked. They're here. I can't relax wondering and making up worse-case scenarios."

"You may find worst-case scenarios aren't worse than reality." Dr. Michel tucked the datapad under her arm. "Some good news though. The Normandy rescued Palavan's primarch. New primarch."

"The Normandy? You mean Shepard?"

"Synonymous anymore."

"Now I have to see the news."

"I'll permit it." Dr. Michel strolled to the door. "Councilor Udina's been by to see you, but your recovery depends on rest. Bettara turned him away twice."

"I can't have visitors?" Kaidan asked.

"The Councilor was agitated, demanding, loud. Knocked a datapad out of a MA's hand. Said it was an accident."

"Oh." Kaidan frowned. Pain ached behind his eyes just thinking of Udina's booming voice over his bed. "I think you're right. I could use some rest. I'll message him."

Dr. Michel inclined her head but paused in the doorway. "You may have visitors if they are soothing."

She turned down the hallway. The door cut away the clatter of metal instruments, rushing voices, and blinding hall lights. Kaidan rested back in bed. Pedestrians moved on the sidewalks below his window, unhurried, orderly, bunched together like always. Green trees, children playing frisbee, turian lovers chatting on a bench. Life went on. Earth, his family, much of humanity were in the shadow of a thousand machines. But, here, life went on.

A girl with pigtailed braids ran for a frisbee. She tripped and fell on her palms. Kaidan sat up, IV tubing snapping taut, and pulse jumping. A woman flew across the lawn and picked her up. Kaidan relaxed back, but his muscles stayed tight. So many people here on the Citadel. Hell, life as they knew it was already over. They didn't even know it.

Kaidan dug around the table by his bed. No remote. The nurse must have hidden it. The television screen had teased him for days, but now he had permission. Kaidan slid out of bed. News on the Normandy would be worth the finger wagging if the nurse caught him out of bed. He sneaked to the TV, dragging his IV pole, and pressed the ON button. He turned the sound down and slipped back under the sheets. Mission: success.

There wasn't footage of Earth. He expected footage of cities in a collapsing inferno, refugees huddled in cement basements, soldiers standing over a table with moving game pieces, bulbs fading in and out as artillery shook the room. Instead the news had a digitized map with animation, pointing, and speculation. An Alliance press release was read over footage of Admiral Hackett surveying the ships docking at the Citadel. There was a sweeping vid of the fifth fleet converging in the nebula. Escaping from Earth. Kaidan's heart sank. The absence of footage from Earth said more than endless hours of live vids. The day he'd been dreading had come.

Shepard appeared on the screen. It wasn't an interview, though she nodded at the camera lens as she passed. She walked with the new primarch to a canvas tent, flap held open by a pair of turians in military dress. The environment was parched and rocky. The silver-skin globe of Palavan burned in space above them. And Garrus was there. Kaidan sat forward. He would have paused the vid if he could. Yes, it was Garrus. And the swaggering hulk passing in the background had to be Vega. Life really was going on without him.

Kaidan turned to the trolley table by his bed. Bettara may have hidden the remote slyly enough, but he'd had his eyes cracked when she turned off the alarm on his Omni-Tool. He almost fell out of bed stretching for the bottom drawer. It required a little jimmying and finally popped open. The whole of his estate now: an Omni-Tool and tube of chapstick. He braced on the bed's railing and grabbed his Omni-Tool. This is what his life had come to. Garrus, Vega, and Shepard dodging bullets and saving home worlds. Kaidan Alenko, outsmarting orderlies turning the news on and finding his Omni-Tool. All the movement made his head throb. For a second everything spun, and he rested back on his pillow. The ache in his skull throbbed. Kaidan grit his teeth.

"You're in pain?" A female voice.

Kaidan slit his eyes open. Bettara, his nemesis. She checked on him more than she checked all her other patients combined. He'd swear it.

"I'm just …" He swallowed and tried to focus over the drilling pain. His fingers curled around his Omni-Tool. "I just … dizzy. Fine."

"How did you turn that on?" Bettara pointed at the TV.

Kaidan's vision darkened with a rise of nausea. Damn. He'd overdone it.

"And the drawer!" Bettara rushed to the trolley table. Her shoulder rapped into the bed's railing as she sank down. The jarring made Kaidan's head split. He grimaced. A blue face rose over his bed with a snarl. "Do you have that Omni-Tool?"

"Yes." Kaidan sighed.

"Give it to me." She put out a palm, a fist on her hip.

"I just want to check my mail." His head was aching too much for an effective puppy dog expression. He'd be damned if he didn't throw all he had into it though. Asari were apparently immune to puppy dogs.

Bettara's eyes narrowed. "This could be awkward if you make me find it."

Kaidan slammed the Omni-Tool into her palm. "Dr. Michel said I could watch the news and have soothing visitors."

"Huh, I just replayed that sentence in my head. Playback still doesn't include anything about your Omni-Tool."

"You're the devil, Bettara." Kaidan slunk down into his sheets with a grumble, but he spared her a slight smile.

"I'm immune to your charm if you're trying any on me." Bettara dropped his Omni-Tool in the bottom drawer.

"How can I have a soothing visitor if no one knows I'm awake?"

"I'm locking this bottom drawer now," Bettara said. "Now, you seem to be in pain. Relax and in one hour you'll be due for your next dose."

His head throbbed enough he didn't care anymore. He rolled over in bed with a grunt and closed his eyes. When Bettara's footsteps finally cut away behind the door, he rose up on an elbow. She really had locked the bottom drawer. Dammit. Dr. Michel would round again tomorrow. If he had to get permission in writing to appease the warden then he would. In the meantime, sleep did sound good. Shepard flashed through his mind, her knitted brow and the canvas flap closing behind her. His heart fluttered, but he smothered it down. He needed to focus on getting out of here before anything else was worth worrying about.

XXX

Kaidan knotted and unknotted the blanket at his waist. He reached for his hospital-issued sippy cup, held it to his mouth, and then set it down again. He rubbed his face with both hands and strained to see his reflection in the window. His face was still bruised and swollen, but he didn't look too frightening, did he? He ruffled fingers through his hair and smoothed the blanket over his lap. Shepard could be here any moment. He'd gotten an alert the Normandy had docked.

Dr. Michel had finally convinced Bettara to let him have his Omni-Tool. He messaged Shepard right away before he even thought of the implications. Were there implications? He pulled himself higher in bed, folded his hands on his lap, then decided it looked too staged. His hands felt like leftover props, awkward if he wasn't using them for something. Knotting the blanket between his hands would give his nerves away, but folding them with perfect posture probably made him look like the queen waiting for her tea.

He slumped back and with a sigh covered his face with both hands. He'd been offered Spectre status, promoted to Alliance major, he was in his mid-thirties dammit. A pep talk in the second person would be scraping the bottom of the barrel, but he was tempted. _Look here, Alenko_ – no, no, no. Normal. Be normal. It's just Shepard. It _was _Shepard, right? He squelched that train of thought. He couldn't go that direction again. The suspicion was making them both miserable.

Mars had gone all wrong. Shepard and Cerberus. Gravity had felt reversed and there wasn't solid footing anywhere. Everything was falling apart. Even now, he couldn't wash away the screams and the taste of burning air over Vancouver. He had just stood on the Normandy. Stood and watched while flying away to safety.

Leaving his family had been hell. His parents planned to go to the orchard, but what the hell did 'afternoon' really mean? And his mom was always remembering one more thing to grab or taking her time with a last minute casserole. On Mars, he told himself he could think about it later. Not now, not now, focus. Now it was later. He had too much time to think. All he could do was think about was them, the reapers, Shepard.

Kaidan shifted in his hospital bed and checked the time on his Omni-Tool. No messages. He flipped the news on, but it slipped out of focus in a stare. He snapped it off and tossed the remote clanging on the table by his bed. His heart rate monitor flashed a warning.

Mars had gotten too personal. It wouldn't leave his head now. He regretted it. He meant to explain his concerns, but it came out barbed. He needed to reinforced the distance, to keep his mind clear and on the mission. But he saw the way it hurt her. His words. He recognized it at the time, and now he saw it every time he closed his eyes. If it wasn't really Shepard, his words wouldn't have hurt her. Not like that.

_They didn't change me, Kaidan, or the way I feel about you._

Kaidan watched the clock above the door. It felt like watching the date change, not the minute. Shepard could have been trying to manipulate him saying she still felt something for him. At the time, he'd raised his fences higher, but now …

Shepard had done a lot for the turians according to the news, and she'd seemingly foiled Cerberus's attempt to steal the Archive data on Mars. Hell, she'd brought him to the Citadel for medical services. She could have stalled treatment or left him on Mars. Cerberus had been closing in and time was short. No one would have faulted her leaving him as a lost case. She hadn't though. That fact hurt more than regretting his words. She'd saved him after everything.

He'd touched Death. The world fell silent and still, color draining away, a shadow growing over him like a chill. He felt himself slipping, fingers straining on a ledge, sleep and dreams calling him to let go. If he'd died, he would have left her with Mars and Horizon as their last words together. After Alchera, he comforted himself with their last conversations, the laughter and soft words. He would have left her with bitter, sharp words full of disgust and frustration to remember him – _them _\- by. If there was a _them_. Had ever been a _them_. He couldn't deny it laced his words on Mars, the pain knowing she didn't care about him. She didn't want him. Now, how much had been smoothed by hope that she did? The hospital room door opened, and Kaidan's heart shot into his mouth.

"Major Alenko. Doing better I see." Udina.

Kaidan fought the frown poisoning his lips. "Councilor."

Kaidan fidgeted with his bedsheets and looked past Udina at the door. He couldn't think about this right now, not when the door could open any minute with the one person he couldn't stop thinking about.

"I will keep this short." Udina stepped into his line of sight. He waited until Kaidan met his eyes. "Have you made a decision, Major?"

Kaidan's eyes drifted to the door again. All the evidence pointed to Shepard being who she said she was: Shepard, the same Shepard he loved. Until he saw proof otherwise, he would err on the side of it being her. The promise of being by her side again made his chest buzz, a mix of insanity and excitement. The thing he wanted most, had wished for on so many cold nights staring at his ceiling, it was right here. Shepard alive.

"I need an answer, Major," Udina prompted. "The galaxy is in need of exceptional soldiers like you."

Kaidan snapped his attention back to Udina. "And, you'll have it Councilor. I promise."

Movement drew Kaidan's eyes to the doorway. Shepard. His pulse raced. He couldn't mess this up. She smiled lopsidedly at him, and the queasiness in his stomach eased. Shepard.


	4. Chapter 4

The toothbrush foamed in her mouth, forgotten. The bristles were coarse and sharp, chewed and torn from her vigorous brushing session the night before. The crack in the mirror made her knuckles ache remembering it. Mordin and Thane dead, Earth and the Citadel torn apart, and then this. After getting that news from the turians, it was lucky she'd made it back to her room before striking something. The hand towel she'd ripped off the bathroom wall was still bunched on the desk behind her. The computer screen flickered above it. ANN. The failed Cerberus coup dominated the news, but the reporter had finally moved on to smaller items.

Shepard frowned, toothbrush dropping to her side, and turned to the terminal's flashing news story. The reporter repeated herself. Shepard stalked to the screen and mashed the volume button. Heat rose in her blood as she hung on every word.

"_Captain Ferris said today at his release hearing that he plans to aid war efforts. The former Alliance officer will assume his previous rank and has been invited to join the fifth fleet. This is reminiscent of Commander Shepard, who was also reinstated in the face of crisis."_

"Hell no!" Shepard pounded the desk with her fist. A stack of datapads toppled over in the corner.

"_Admiral Hackett yesterday said he was surprised at Ferris's pardoning. Usually level one intelligence crimes like Ferris's do not earn parole consideration. Spectre immunity on this level is unprecedented in Alliance military history. This will mark the first time a Council-level pardon has been issued in concert with an Alliance Criminal Review Tribunal."_

Shepard hurled her toothbrush against the wall. "EDI, get me Admiral Hackett ASAP."

"Would you like to receive him in the comm room, Commander?"

"Yes. Do it now."

Shepard tore down the steps to her closet. She threw the door open so hard it bounced against the wall. A mistake of this level was unbelievable. Reading a Spectre pardon request was not the same as approving it. Shepard ripped a shirt out of the closet in a spray of hangers. How the hell could this have happened? Her Spectre account may have been hacked. Possible. Maybe someone had her codes. Or … or … Shepard froze. Her back straightened.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Cancel my call to Admiral Hackett. Where's Major Alenko?"

"Major Alenko is in the starboard observation lounge. Would you like me to connect you to his comm?"

"No," Shepard said sharply. She yanked her pants on one leg at a time. "I'll call on him myself."

XXX

Kaidan shuffled datapads on the lounge's table. It helped seeing the reports side by side. His biotics team was on Earth. Had to be. The last Alliance reports showed that his biotic teams had been mobilized after the reapers hit. They accompanied the third fleet to Earth's defense. From there communication cut off. Silence. If Kaidan hadn't been laid up by a robot-rattling, maybe he would have joined with them. They had known he was testifying in Vancouver. They probably didn't even know he'd survived. If he could locate them on Earth and connect them with Anderson, a biotic ops unit could be invaluable to defense efforts. Commander Uptograph was capable of leading the squads. If he was alive. Kaidan could give direction remotely. Not in real time, of course, but if he—

The lounge door slid open. Boots thwomped through the widening crack not even waiting for the door to fully open. Kaidan spine straightened. He pushed back his chair and stood.

"Alenko." Shepard tore across the room to him. "Guess what I heard on the news?"

Kaidan's mind spun. Being aboard had him off balance. He hadn't toured the ship yet, only slept in his bunk a few hours, and had yet to find an appetite for a real meal in the mess. He was still reeling from the coup fiasco. Hell, he'd aimed a gun at Shepard. He'd stared into the barrel of her pistol aimed at him. Face to face with the hard decision, the time for gray was gone. He had to make a decision on Shepard, black or white.

The Citadel attack was an inside job. Kaidan could see that from the beginning. He had rolled it around his head while he guided the Councilors to safety. Cerberus couldn't hope to capture the whole Citadel and keep it. The target had to be information or something physical, like the councilors themselves. Cerberus had backdoor security codes and access to the Citadel's surveillance system. Nothing else explained the uncanny way they tracked the councilors. Troopers poured through embassy doorways not even feigning to hack the control panels. They had Spectre override codes or higher. Then Shepard appeared with a gun pointed at the councilors. Kaidan chose his side. Now, here they were aboard her ship together. Shepard wasn't pointing a gun in his face this time, but it didn't feel much different.

"Are you angry?" Kaidan hedged.

"Guess what I heard on the news?" Shepard enunciated and stepped toe-to-toe with him.

Kaidan's mouth went dry. He itched to take a step back. He was taller than her, but damn, it had been a while since she breathed fire in his face. She was a reckoning force. But he wasn't her staff lieutenant anymore. Instead, he stared down at her hoping the height difference would balance her glare. It didn't.

"I'll just tell you then," she snapped.

"Thought you might."

Her eyes slit into lines. "I heard a Spectre pardon was granted to Alexi Ferris."

Kaidan licked his lips. "You disapprove, I take it?"

"Disapprove!" Shepard rose on her toes, breath hot, but not at all unpleasant. "Disapprove, Alenko? Huh. Well, let's see. Ferris gave intel to the Hegemony that resulted in five settlements – five! – being dismantled into a slavery livestock sale on Illium."

"Four years ago, Shepard."

"Oh, four years ago. Oh well. Forty thousand lives destroyed. But four years doing crossword puzzles and sharing a bunk with Big Tony? Sure, a year of that's worth ten thousand colonists' lives."

"Shepard …" Kaidan said slowly.

"You undermined me, Kaidan." Shepard's eyes flashed. "I did not approve that pardon. You went behind my back. Now, it can't be undone without a big to-do."

Kaidan's stomach twisted. "Shepard, I didn't—"

"He's back in the fifth fleet!" Shepard snapped and spun away. She paced. "I suppose now I get a taste of how it felt to see me get off? Alliance criminal back at the helm."

"What?" Kaidan sputtered. He reached for her elbow to stop the caged pacing, but she turned on him with bared teeth. He drew his hand back before he got burned.

"You didn't even have the balls to tell me yourself." She glared at his hand then resumed her pacing. "I had to hear it on ANN, Kaidan. ANN."

Kaidan chewed his lip and watched her jerky pacing. This seemed out of proportion.

"You really mad at me, Shepard? Or is this about the war."

"I'm mad at _you_." Shepard drove a finger his direction.

"I didn't undermine you, Shepard. Or, at least, not intentionally. If you saw the Spectre request, you didn't dismiss it in the Spectre inbox."

"I was still thinking about it. It was marked 'read.'"

"If it was, I didn't realize it. I'm sorry."

Shepard's pacing quickened. "Ferris should be in prison."

"It was four years ago. Unintentional. Negligence, not malice."

"And you want negligence that extinguished forty thousand lives making decisions with a full company of Alliance warships?" Shepard waited then bit back at him. "Well?"

"You really want an answer to that? It's clearly rhetorical."

"Ha. You would think that, wouldn't you? Clearly not though."

Kaidan clenched his jaw. She was so blasé about their confrontation after the coup. She welcomed him aboard, conciliatory, downplaying, even a touch warm, which had surprised him. Horizon, Mars, the coup, everything in between, he expected it to cause some lingering distrust, distance, resentment. This though? It seemed a bit much. It was a definite whiplash from her handshake and smile twenty-four hours ago. He pulled out a chair and sat.

"That's it?" Shepard fisted her hands on her hips. "Nothing else to say?"

"I have more to say. Just waiting for you to finish what you had to say."

"Say it." Shepard loomed over him.

"Okay." Kaidan leaned an elbow on the armrest and rubbed a hand down his jaw. "Look, Commander, I'm sorry I didn't check to see if the request had already been opened. You're not used to sharing humanity's Spectre inbox. I'm not used to having one. In the future, I think it would be wise for you to dismiss a request you've already opened. If you're still considering a request, alert me with a message. And I'll do the same."

"I do not like the decision you made with Ferris."

"I understand that, and I see your side. But see my side, too, Commander. We're at war, trillions dead, our forces weakened. Captain Ferris made a bad decision. Intel got passed to the wrong places. He's still a good leader with decades of experience. He can help more wearing an Alliance uniform than a prison jumpsuit. I only pardoned him, allowed his release. Admiral Hackett decided to reenlist him to the rank of captain, give him a crew and ship. Hackett knows the galaxy's situation better than anyone. He worked with Ferris in the past. I'm sure he knows what he's doing."

Shepard's nostrils flared. She glared down at him but didn't speak.

"Shepard," Kaidan said, "you must have realized this too. You were still considering the request and could have dismissed it outright."

"I was going to research the matter further before I clicked anything." She gripped her elbows and stepped back. "Fine. I suppose we're both Spectres. We'll support each other's decisions. If there are requests under consideration, I'm moving them to a separate folder."

"Sounds reasonable."

Shepard eyed him a second then turned on her heels. "Glad we hashed it out. Later, Major."

"Shepard," Kaidan said.

She stopped, hand hovering on the door's button.

Kaidan stood. "You all right? Something wrong?"

"We fixed the something wrong. Now, the something wrong is an empty stomach. I have an energy bar in a drawer with my name on it. I'll see you at—" She caught his throw reflexively. She looked down at what she'd caught.

"Doesn't have your name on it," Kaidan shrugged, "unless you want to go by Blueberry. But, I figure you were being figurative, not literal."

Shepard turned the energy bar over in her fingers. "Saving me twenty steps to the mess? Thanks, I guess. Maybe I wanted strawberry."

"Hope you did. That and cherry are all you're gonna find in the mess. Wartime supplies and utility trump variety I guess." He stopped in front of her.

Shepard narrowed her eyes and curled her fingers around the energy bar. "This been traveling around in your pocket all week?"

"Crammed in with my spare bandages and a pocket knife? Like famishment first aid or something? No." Kaidan grinned. "An energy bar doesn't last long in my pocket, especially blueberry. It's the best kind. We both know it."

"You're bribing your CO with caviar-grade Alliance-issued energy bars, Alenko?"

Kaidan rested a shoulder against the wall and folded his arms. "Are you requesting more blueberry energy bars, Commander? Your accusation was plural. _Bars_."

Shepard's eyes shifted away from Kaidan. He followed her eyes to the table in the corner, datapads lighting the surface.

"You got a whole box of these?" Shepard asked.

"Not over there. You'll have to dig through all the stuff stashed under my bunk." Kaidan turned and rested his back against the wall. He studied the window. "I have kiwi too."

"What?" The energy bar dropped from Shepard's fingertips. She fumbled for it and scooped it off the floor. "You're lying."

"You're right." Kaidan shrugged. "Made it up. The wrappers in the bunk room garbage are all misprints."

"Must not be Alliance-stocked."

"Citadel grocery store and a credit chip. Secret recipe for kiwi energy bars."

Shepard smirked. "Better than Alliance-issued blueberry?"

"Better than Alliance-issued strawberry and cherry. I'll give you some. You decide."

Shepard grinned lopsidedly and studied the energy bar in her open hand. "Thanks."

Kaidan let the silence stretch. Her downturned face still had a slight smile.

"How's the war effort?" Kaidan said lightly. "This next mission lining up?"

Shepard curled a fist around her energy bar. She tore the end of the wrapper off with her teeth. "Damned turians."

Kaidan frowned. "What?"

"Damned turians," Shepard pronounced louder. "You think things are working out. Both sides are finally happy and onboard, then you find out—" She paused. Their eyes connected, and she looked away sharply. She tore off another bite. "Anyway, amazing what secrets come to light in a time like this."

"Hmm." Kaidan agreed.

Either she didn't trust him with the information or just didn't want to engage him enough to share it. The latter seemed more likely. He was a Spectre and Alliance major. He hoped to be part of her ground team at some point. He'd find out whatever it was eventually. She just didn't want to confide in him that a mission was bothering her.

"I went dark and joined a Terminus merc band for a week," Kaidan said.

Shepard's eyes snapped to his face like he knew they would.

"What?" she said. "The Alliance sent you undercover with mercs?"

"Alliance? Well, uh, no. Not exactly." Kaidan scuffed the floor with his boots. "Anyway, I was going to say—"

"Wait. What do you mean 'not exactly'?"

"I mean, that's not relevant to what I'm trying to say."

"Classified, you mean?" Shepard's mouth twisted into a frown. She folded her arms.

"Hey, I'm not lording something classified over you." Kaidan held her gaze then sighed. "Look. I was on leave. Went on my own."

"What, like a second job? Saving up for something?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah, no. I wanted to get information on – well … Anyway, what I found was something else."

"You wanted information on Cerberus?" Shepard filled in.

"Uh, yeah." Kaidan flashed her a weak smile and pushed his hands into his pocket. "Anyway, I came back with information on a piracy organization called Dobson."

"Weird name."

"Right?" Kaidan settled his back more comfortably against the wall. "They had Alliance-patented weapon mods, crates of standard issue Lance IV's. The ladar system on their groundcrawlers had Lazer-10 and 7's installed. Little high end and standardized for your average pirates."

"Alliance secret pet project, ala Cerberus or Turstein?"

"Ran right into, Shepard. I thought Dobson was targeting Alliance warehouses or our carriers. I didn't realize …"

"And the Alliance wasn't happy you came back ringing alarm bells about it?"

"The Council was pissed too. I saw some Spectre-grade armor and weaponry. Turns out Dobson was a Council-Alliance collaboration, a Terminus system black ops project. Anderson about leapt over the conference table to slap a hand over my mouth. There I was spilling everything about Dobson to a room of senior Alliance officers who knew nothing about it."

"You're telling me this for a reason?" Shepard finished her energy bar and stuffed the wrapper in her pocket.

"I'm not you, Shepard. I know the stakes are different here. But I understand trying hard and not making anyone happy. Not achieving what you thought you already had in the box. I thought I'd stumbled onto something big. I had names and base locations ready, thought I'd get a pat on the back. Instead I got slapped with a gag order."

Shepard cocked her head at him. "This an 'I opened up, now you open up' arrangement? That how this works?"

"What?" Kaidan jerked away from the wall. "I'm not trying to manipulate you. Trust me, that's the last thing I want."

Shepard held his eyes with a steady stare. He shifted his weight from foot to foot but didn't break her gaze.

"Why were you running with mercs on your shore leave?" Shepard asked pointedly.

Kaidan dropped his eyes and shrugged. "I did a lot of that in my free time."

"Adrenaline junkie?"

His heart drummed. "Guess I was chasing something I couldn't find outside of work." He looked her in the eye. "Or maybe it was just running away from what would happen if I stood still."

Shepard's gaze wavered, a line pinched between her eyebrows. She looked away and cleared her throat. "Tuchanka has a bomb. Turians planted it for security years ago. The genophage is cured, the krogan have rallied to Palavan's rescue, we've saved the primarch, and it's still not settled. All because there's a damn explosive no one wanted to own up to. Now the reapers know about it. We're left scrambling to prevent losing everything that we just sacrificed to gain."

"Damn turians." Kaidan gave a quick smile, his blood still rushing. "You know, humanity may have done the same thing given the chance. We all want assurances. Hard to admit past mistakes. To make up for them before it's too late."

Shepard searched his eyes. "Perhaps." She glanced back at the door with a lingering look. She turned back to him and took a step closer. "My friend died, Kaidan. If Tuchanka is destroyed, his death counts for nothing."

"You know that's not true," Kaidan said. "Ash's death didn't count for nothing just because Saren escaped that day. Your friend's death won't count for nothing just because Tuchanka has a bomb. When we beat the reapers, every sacrifice will count."

"I guess." She shrugged dismissively, but a smile played on her lips. "Kaidan?"

"Yeah?"

"Get me one of those kiwi energy bars, I'll show you around the ship."

Kaidan's chest expanded with a light, fluttery feeling. "Really?"

"Only if you're not lying about the kiwi flavor."

"You can trust me." Kaidan walked to the table and gathered his datapads.

"I want paid upfront. Just so you know." Shepard pushed the button for the door.

"Of course." Kaidan brushed past her into the hall. "First one's always free anyway."


	5. Chapter 5

A brute hurtled toward Shepard. She dove behind a mound of broken concrete. Tuchanka was a maze of caved in walls and crumbling pillars. She hadn't expected so many brutes.

"Commander?" Garrus's voice over the comm. "Second brute on your six."

"What?" Shepard ducked.

Concrete exploded just above her head. The brute trampled over her with a gurgling roar. A few shots to its underbelly did nothing but annoy it. The second brute reached for her. She twisted in time and threw a Warp. Energy crackled over the creature's skin, but didn't slow its fists. She rolled to the side as the brutes malleted the floor around her. Their armor was too strong for her tricks.

"Vega?" she yelled into her comm. She needed carnage pronto.

Shepard aimed her pistol at a brute's face. It snarled at her. She fired. Again and again. The monster reeled back and shook its head. It reoriented itself. It ducked its face down and charged. Shepard spun sideways but rammed into the other brute's legs. It snatched after her.

"Commander?" James said. "Got a dozen cannibals over here. Little overwhelmed."

The brute struck her so hard, it took her off her feet. She sprawled backward on the pavement, dizzy and gasping. Their shadows blocked out the sunlight. She fired her gun, threw Warp, and rolled to the side to run. _Tried_ to roll. She was caught. Her leg. She yanked at her ankle. It was caught in a fissure of broken asphalt.

One of the brutes stabbed the ground next to her. Chips of cement sprayed into her face. She coughed at the dust, writhing to break free, and firing until her pistol clicked. Singularity, Warp, Throw, again and again, it did nothing but brighten her vision. The brute pummeled her barrier. It broke. Shepard gasped, shaking, and stared up into its red eyes. It drove down on her. She cringed.

"Shepard?" Kaidan's voice.

The brute's impact shook the ground. Bone cracked against the hum of biotic energy. Shepard lifted her eyes to the blue veil flickered between her and the brute.

"Shepard, are you hurt?" Kaidan leaned into her vision, eyes glowing blue, and hand raised creating the biotic shield.

The shield shined weakly. It could take one more hit at most. The brute loomed over them and raised its hands. Shepard twisted and touched Kaidan's biotic shield. The brute connected. The hit blew the air out of Shepard's lungs.

She wove her biotics through the matrix of Kaidan's shield. His energy stuttered, weak and failing, but the threads opened like a lattice to let her reinforce it. This was easier than she remembered. The next hit rattled her teeth, but the shield held strong. The second brute towered over them on the opposite side. Too many.

"My foot," Shepard said.

Kaidan clawed along her leg to the boot. The brute's swing reverberated through Shepard's bone. Their biotic shield was strong but unpracticed. It couldn't take this level of abuse, hit after hit.

Kaidan snapped open the clasps sealing her armor to the boot. He tore at the last clip. Their shield faltered. It flickered overhead. Shepard kicked, loosening the boot. She grit her teeth, holding the shield firm, but it was dropping. The brutes came down at the same time. Shepard rolled free. The shield dropped. Cement exploded in a burst of powder and dust.

The brutes stumbled against each other, carried by the unopposed momentum. Shepard rounded on one and fired into its back. Suddenly, blue glowed across its skin in a wave of biotic chainmail. Shepard paused. That odd trick Kaidan had picked up. She'd seen it on Mars.

"Primed," Kaidan said ducking out from under the brute's swing.

The biotic lingo was new, too, but she could infer the meaning. She threw a Warp. The detonation threw her backward. The brute roared. Her HUD blinked with the brute's lost armor rating. Quite a hit. And that combo … Kaidan's trick could 'prime' for a detonation. Kaidan had been thrown off his feet too. He was slower to get up. Shepard leaped over blocks of concrete and yanked him to his feet.

"We get clear first," Kaidan mumbled, eyes a little hazy, but smiling.

He clapped her arm and rounded to the brute's other side. This time she hesitated when the brute's skin glowed with chainmail energy. They needed enough space for a detonation buffer. Kaidan dodged the brute's swing. He leaped over a wall of broken pavement and curled down. Shepard threw Warp. The boom vibrated through her chest. The brute roared and stumbled.

Pistols and combos, again and again. The last brute staggered in a circle and fell in a puff of dust. Without James's carnage, Shepard's adept skills felt like throwing pebbles. The brutes' armor was impenetrable. That's what she'd thought anyway. Shepard met Kaidan's eye over the fallen form of the brute. Kaidan glowed blue, blood smearing his visor, and panting with a smile. Maybe her adept skills could make a dent after all. Now. In the right combination.

XXX

They unloaded from the shuttle into the Normandy's cargo bay. Shepard's legs carried her like gelatin. She staggered against the front of the shuttle.

Garrus caught her elbow. "You look wrung out, Shepard."

Shepard breathed through her teeth and grinned. Her mouth tasted like metal. Sweat and ash stung her eyes. The stench of dust and chemicals still tickled her nose.

Shepard laughed. "That was – that was – Well, it could have turned out better, but it was a rush." Shepard slapped Garrus's back. "Good job with that line of marauders. Never seen so many headless bodies falling at once."

"Glorious, wasn't it?" Garrus sighed.

"Yo, Lola." James tapped her arm. "Your teeth are rojo. It's not smeared lipstick, you might wanna get it checked out."

"I'm not bleeding internally, James." Shepard gripped the edge of the shuttle and turned to him. "Bit my cheek when the brute tossed me sideways."

"Oh, yeah. Saw that. You and the Major got pretty good taking them down. Got a little tag-you're-it biotic thing going."

Shepard chuckled and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "Yeah, we worked out a little strategy mid-beatdown then kept it rolling. Right, Kaidan?" She leaned to the side and looked into the shuttle. It was empty.

Cortez rounded the back of the shuttle. "Good job down there, Commander. Sorry about the primarch's son."

Shepard's thrumming pulse was winding down now. She took a deep breath. "Yeah, me too."

"Oh. A message from Tali." Garrus looked at his Omni-Tool. "Think I'll disassemble my widow, get a few calibrations running, and settle in for the night."

"You need to learn cards, amigo. Give yourself something more to live for than calibrations."

"Got an email to read, James."

Garrus and James wandered to the lockers. Cortez lifted up the shuttle's side panel and pulled out a datapad. Shepard's quick once-over around the bay confirmed it. Kaidan was already gone. Damn fast retreat.

Shepard frowned and trudged to the lockers. She could still see the explosion of light in her eyes and the brute's outline weaving until it fell over. That combo was satisfying as hell. Weaving through Kaidan's biotic shield too. Shepard chuckled through her blood grin. Yeah, that had been pretty damn satisfying too. Nostalgic. The memory made her skin prickle. Miranda, Jacob, Jack, Wrex, even Liara, it was good to have another biotic at your side, but there was something about Kaidan's biotics. Effortless. Magnetic. Always had been. Apparently, still was.

XXX

"You seen Kaidan?" Shepard swung by Adam's terminal in engineering.

The engine core hummed behind her.

"Major Alenko?" Adams said looking up. "Haven't seen him since he left groundside with you."

"Huh. Well …" Shepard shrugged. "Everything good down here? Donnelly, you keeping Daniels in line?"

"Never. I like her getting out of line." Donnelly grinned over his shoulder.

Daniels smacked his arm. "He doesn't even know what a line is. Let alone how to not cross it."

Adams lifted his eyes to the ceiling and gave a long sigh. "It would be nice to get some fresh blood around here. Garrus has been mentioning Tali."

"I think we'll see her sooner rather than later," Shepard said. "I'll send her by as an infusion of fresh blood when we see her. I'm heading off. Daniels, keep teaching Donnelly about lines. Someday it might actually take. Comm me if there's a melt down."

Shepard ambled down the hallway from engineering. She ducked her head into Aller's studio. Allers glanced up from a pocket mirror. She snapped it shut and smiled.

"Ready for that interview? Thought your cabin might set a better tone." Her smile curled to the side. Her eyes smoldered with an intentionally smoky linger.

"Uh. Right. No, not now." Shepard stepped all the way into the doorway. "You seen Major Alenko?"

Aller wet her smirk with the tip of her tongue. "Which part?"

Shepard folded her arms. "Have you seen him lately?"

Allers shrugged a shoulder and sauntered closer. The camera bot bobbed behind her. "Might be fun interviewing both Spectres. Your cabin would definitely set the right tone. More … uh, intimate."

Shepard turned away. "All right. You haven't seen him. Send me a reminder later. We'll have a very professional interview, backdrop negotiable, subject matter not."

The door to Aller's lair slid shut behind Shepard. She sighed and wandered to the window overlooking the cargo bay. James lifted weights at his personal bench. Cortez sorted metal parts on the floor. Some engineering officers compared datapads in the corner. No Kaidan anywhere. The bathroom was the only place she hadn't checked. That, and her own cabin, but he wouldn't … Her cheeks flushed. No, Kaidan wasn't that bold. He wasn't the assuming sort. Still – No, no. Shepard shook it out of her head. He wasn't up there. Guaranteed.

She didn't need the distraction anyway. The crew didn't need the distraction. Kaidan didn't need the distraction. They had weeks to months left to live, maybe a year at most. The reapers needed their full attention. Trying for something more was pointless and desperate. It was just an Armageddon-fueled surge of false emotions meant to self-soothe and cope with the cold, hard truth of reality. Still, it would be nice to confirm she hadn't left him on Tuchanka.

She hadn't had she? She gripped the wall and frowned at the floor. Wait. No, she'd talked to him on the shuttle ride back. They'd talked about Ash. She hadn't forgotten him. Where the hell was he though?

"EDI?" Shepard said.

"Yes, Commander? Would you like to know Major Alenko's location?"

"Where is he?"

"Major Alenko is on the machine deck."

"Machine deck?" Shepard frowned. "Where the hell's the machine deck?"

"It can be accessed from the portside or starboard staircases near the main engine room."

The area Jack had claimed not so long ago. Shepard sprung around the corner and down the staircase. She rounded the landing and stopped. Sure enough. There he was. He lay on the floor with an arm over his face.

"Kaidan? Damn. You all right?" Shepard trotted down the last steps.

"What?" Kaidan raised his arm and squinted at her.

She dropped down on her heels beside him. "You have a migraine?"

Kaidan rested his head back and covered his eyes with his arm again. "Yes."

"Too much fun, huh? Too much biotic goosing, leaping, and cursing?"

"Sure."

The space was tight, crowded with pipes and engines, blinking buttons, and exhaust vents. It was dim though. The main focus of light came from the stairwell at her back. Shepard angled her shadow over his face.

"This really the best place to ride out a headache? You've got machinery in 360 surround sound. You're in the belly of the whale here, Kaidan."

"Not so bad."

"Right." Shepard clicked her tongue. At least, the engine was a steady hum. "Hey, maybe you should visit our mutual friend Dr. Chakwas. I'll help you up there. You can stagger against me and curse in my ear about all the bright lights."

"Already took something."

He probably took it too late. He wouldn't have taken it in combat, not if he could avoid it. Probably took something in the shuttle or later. Shepard sighed, folded her legs, and sat. Kaidan's chest filled and dropped in a controlled rhythm, a long draw, hold, and slow release. Repeat. The muscles up his neck were corded, his jaw tight, and the hand over his face was balled into a fist.

"Med bay would be better than this, Kaidan." She leaned over him and kept her voice low.

"No."

"Observation lounge then? Quiet, dark." She waited. He didn't say anything so she nudged his shoulder. "Well?"

"Not turning it into quarantine. It's public."

"Hey, this is public too. This could be a junkie hotspot. Wait until the middle of night shift, you could be ruining someone's party plans."

"Good."

Shepard chuckled. She cocked her head and studied him. He'd put on more muscle mass since the SR-1 days. Working up to heavy armor was probably an achievement he set for himself. It aligned with him spending the last two years of personal leave chasing work projects. Work and professional goals were important. Damn, she knew that better than anyone. But fun and people mattered, too, for your own sanity. Kaidan wasn't the type who needed a sea of friends and party invitations. He didn't enjoy skimming the surface in a wide breadth of relationships like she did. For him, it was all or nothing with a few.

A smile warmed her lips. He was so different than her. A frenetic swirl of friends and acquaintances meant she was never alone. Then she met Kaidan. The contrast had sobered her. She realized it was possible to never have been alone, but still be lonely. For the first time, that hollow feeling lifted. Her heart stilled. It was like releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding. She wasn't treading water. She'd found solid ground. More than anything else of her old life, she missed that. Shepard reached for his shoulder but hesitated. Just a friend. That should be good enough. She drew her hand back to her lap.

"Is your headache from stress?" Shepard whispered. "And you hit your head down there, too, didn't you? That first combo I threw when you weren't clear?"

"I'll be fit for duty. Soon."

"Kaidan," Shepard groaned and laughed. "I'm not worried about that."

She touched his shoulder anyway. Warmth spread in her chest. Kaidan was here. Back. It still felt unreal.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "This …"

Shepard sighed. "Your dad, then thinking of Ash, the war, your students … I'll give you a pass this once. My fault anyway you got knocked around. Had a kid-with-matches moment with all your kerosene."

He smiled, a little grim and forced, but the effort wasn't lost on her. Shepard slid onto her side and propped her head up with an elbow. She had duties: mission reports, conference calls, war planning, and - dammit – the mission debrief! She'd completely forgotten about debriefing the ground team. She needed to debrief with Alliance Command too. Hackett needed an update on what happened with the primarch's son. She pushed the thought away.

Shepard toyed with the shoulder of Kaidan's uniform. "You heard this one, Kaidan? What do you do if you're riding a horse being chased by a lion and look over to see a giraffe?" Kaidan's lips twitched up. Shepard lowered her face and kept a whisper. "Means you need to get your drunk ass off the carousel."

Kaidan laughed then cringed. He slipped his arm down enough to peek over his elbow. "Decalf-einated."

Shepard laugh-blurted. She slapped a hand over her mouth. "Ha. Sorry. Loud."

Kaidan's face scrunched, but he held her gaze with bleary eyes.

"That joke isn't funny, you know." Shepard tapped his shoulder. "I can't even think of a way to spin it into something dirty. It's that irredeemably lame."

"Eh," Kaidan murmured.

"You can use my carousel joke at future revelries when you need a joke. I think it's a nice balance for you. Above seven-year-old birthday party, but won't make Liara cover her face and avoid eye contact the rest of the day."

"Write it down. Won't remember."

"Hey, you need a better default joke so bad you'll remember. Headache hasn't scrambled you that badly."

Kaidan rested his arm over his eyes again. "Hmm. Thanks, Garrus."

"Smart ass." Shepard smirked. "Two and a half years, and you can't shake it. You're still the biggest smart ass I know, Alenko."

"Decalf-einated."

Shepard laughed and rested her cheek against a fist. She watched him. After a while the controlled measure in his breathing slowed and softened. His arm slid until his elbow touched the floor. Shepard tucked it against his side.

His sleep had a drugged heaviness, his head tipping to the side. The metal floor had to be uncomfortable, especially for a full night's sleep. Kaidan didn't want to be around people, but he would be too sleep-entrenched now to care. Shepard lifted him up under her arm.

"What's … Huh?' His head lolled, his feet stumbling to find the ground.

"I'm getting you to your bunk." She pulled him up the stairs tripping and muttering. He flinched from the light. He'd appreciate this when he woke up on a mattress instead of bent and stiff from the floor. She helped him up the elevator onto the crew deck.

James passed them on his way to the lounge, shuffling cards in his hands, and chuckled. "The Major have a stash I don't know about? Some hard stuff?" James turned and looked Kaidan up and down. His eyes slid to Shepard. "Didn't share with you, Lola? You look pretty unsauced. Want dealt in? Joker's already paying for my next vacation, but I could use a hotel upgrade."

"Another time." Shepard swayed under Kaidan's weight. "And hey, I'm still planning a debrief at the start of AM shift."

James's lips widened. He opened his mouth.

"Don't even say it, Vega."

"What?"

"Debriefing."

"Hey, I wear boxers." James held up his palms but nodded at Kaidan. "The Major though …"

"Keep that up, James, you'll find out why they're called boxers."

"Haw. Got me there. Later, Lola."

"Later, James."

Shepard dropped Kaidan onto his bunk and lifted his legs onto the bed. He wasn't wearing any shoes. Shepard grinned and shook her head. He'd be trying to find those later, probably be wracking his brain for where he discarded them in his haze. Kaidan rolled over in bed, dragging a sheet over his shoulder, and buried his face in the pillow.

Shepard sank onto her heels by the head of his bed. She kept her voice barely a whisper. "Wish I could bring you somewhere else, Kaidan. Dark, quiet, private. Probably get the wrong idea though."

She rocked back on her heels. His face was consumed by the pillow, only the edge of his jaw visible. A few crewmen shuffled around the bunk room behind her. Kaidan's hair was so dark and thick. She remembered what it felt like to rake her fingers into it. Her fingers twitched. Shepard cleared her throat, patted his shoulder, and stood.

"Probably give me the wrong idea too," she whispered. "Night, Major. See you at the debri—mission wrap up tomorrow morning. And I mean sharp, Soldier. Bring shoes."

She lingered over his bunk until the shifty looks of the crew pushed her into action. She tugged her uniform straight and acknowledged the other officers. After a little conversation about duty assignments and brief catch up on their family tidbits, she felt the awkwardness ease and dismissed herself. She smiled at the top of Kaidan's head as she rounded the corner. Decalf-einated. She did need to write down a new joke for him.


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard watched Kaidan jog around the cargo bay. She stood at the window in engineering with the core humming behind her. The door to Shepard's right was open. Allers stood out of sight chattering about coordinated efforts between Palavan and Tuchanka. Allers couldn't talk about the bomb, of course, so she prattled about vague heroics and the primarch's son lost in action. Lost in action like so many.

Shepard shifted her weight. Her reflection moved in the glass. The bay was almost empty. Cortez and Vega were in the portside lounge playing cards. Shepard had popped her head into the lounge only a few minutes ago to see if James wanted to spar.

"Lola, I'm about to own Esteban's first child," James said.

"Didn't know you wanted kids, James." Shepard swung her water bottle standing in the doorway.

Cortez lowered his cards. "Always said you were a fan of the ladies, Vega. Now you want to have a kid with me?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, Esteban. Not happening."

Cortez snort laughed and tossed chips into the middle of the table. "Your call, James."

"So, no sparing?" Shepard said.

"Rain check, Lola?" James grinned at Cortez. "Only check I'm taking, Esteban. Call."

Shepard pushed off the door frame with a chuckle. They had gym equipment – a treadmill, elliptical, free weights – in the portside hold by engineering. Shepard had stepped out of the elevator twirling a water bottle in her hands. Why she glanced out the window into the cargo bay, she didn't know. Now here she stood still watching him.

Kaidan skimmed the wall in a circuit. Crates blocked him from view at irregular intervals. An engineer popped up from an open panel in the floor by the shuttle. He grabbed a screwdriver from his tool box and dropped out of sight again. The cargo bay was empty except for him and Kaidan.

Shepard had planned some time on the treadmill anyway. Why not just start with a run? Screw the treadmill. She pressed the elevator button and unzipped her hoodie. Skipping the warm up, she didn't need the extra layer. Her eye caught on a reflection in the window, a glowing light. Her fingers paused with her hoodie half unzipped. The pit of her stomach sank. It was _her _reflection.

She traced her fingers along her collar bone to the swell of her breasts. A glowing orange light. Her skin was thickening and healing. The implant had dimmed to a dull gleam, but it was plainly visible. It was obvious enough in the dark corridor to glow plainly in her reflection. She splayed a shaky hand over the light and met her own eyes in the reflection. Kaidan ran laps behind her reflection.

She and Kaidan were getting along. He made her laugh. Really laugh. She'd forgotten his wry humor, the way he turned words back at her. Dammit, he was clever, but honest and deep too. Deeper than her. Deep enough no doubt that he'd probably spent hours brooding over her Frankensteinian recreation. Her hand fell from the zipper. Air thickened in her throat.

She watched him disappear behind another crate. Running and running and running. Her reflection returned a grim smile. She looked herself in the eye and zipped the hoodie up to her throat. She turned to the elevator and pressed the button for the cargo bay.

She got out and set her water bottle by the elevator. He wasn't far ahead. She jogged around the first corner of crates and saw him. He must have heard the pounding of her running shoes, because he turned his head. He stopped.

"Not doing hurdles." Shepard shoved him sideways as she passed.

She smirked over her shoulder at him and took the next turn. It didn't take long for his feet to clap up behind her.

"Track etiquette, Shepard. Tsk, tsk."

"Show by example, Mr. Track-Manners. Stop flat-tiring me."

"Stop changing lanes and winging your elbows out. I'm passing one way or another."

"No track etiquette here. Expect to get tripped."

He didn't say anything, and Shepard looked back. Her footsteps slowed. He was gone.

"Ha!" He burst from between the crates in front of her.

"Off roading it? Cheater." Shepard leapt into a full sprint.

Kaidan shot forward faster. Shepard pushed herself, but there was no gaining. He kept a fixed distance ahead, so exactly fixed, it seemed deliberately measured. She slowed her pace and that confirmed it. He slowed his pace to match. He could leave her in the dust, but was staying just enough ahead to let her keep up.

"Don't want to win by too much, huh?" Shepard huffed big gulps of air.

Kaidan's canter smoothed into a walk. She overtook him, giving him a light shove, then dropped into a walk beside him. Her lungs drank in the oxygen, air wheezing in and out through her smile. Kaidan gave a breathy laugh and wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"Want me to ask Dr. Chakwas for an inhaler?" Kaidan asked.

"Whatever, Track Star." Shepard purposefully staggered sideways into him. Her gulping breaths eased into a steady push and pull. "Dammit. I'm your James. He couldn't keep up with me. I made fun of him. Kharma."

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah, Vega's more fight than flight. I like to keep my options open."

"Huh. That's a little unsettling, Alenko. Guy guarding my six wants to keep his fight or flight options open."

"I'll drag you with me." Kaidan flapped air down the neck of his tank top. The light fabric stuck to the sweat on his back. "You may have noticed, Shepard, but not a lot of reapers go down in a fist fight."

"The one on Tuchanka went down," Shepard said. She snatched her water bottle off the floor. "Granted, no fists were involved, but it was pretty physical."

Kaidan's towel and water bottle were across the bay. He turned toward them. The engineer still clunked around under the floor mumbling curses Shepard could hear all the way by the elevator. Shepard took a sip from her water bottle and fanned her face. Her sprint left her hot and sweaty. She glanced at Kaidan's retreating back, and a soft warmth pooled in her chest. She grabbed hold of the zipper. Her heart thundered.

"Screw it."

She unzipped the hoodie and threw it against the wall. She could see her reflection in the wall's metal casing. Light glowed faintly under her T-shirt. She ripped that off too. She squared herself to the blurry reflection, sports bra and glowing patches of skin. The light above her navel was brighter and sharper than the one higher on her chest. The marauder's blade had left a thin, delicate veil of skin still knitting together. The implant blazed through the healing skin like paper.

Shepard straightened the straps of her sports bra and smoothed a hand down her leggings. She spun around. Kaidan had reached the crate with his towel. She jogged up behind him.

"Must have been something to see," Kaidan said over his shoulder. "That hard for you?"

He grabbed his water bottle and turned around. The effect was immediate. His eyes dropped – a quick flicker – but it was enough to make his jaw set and posture pull back. Shepard's heart dropped. She raised her chin and put fists on her hips. This was her: scars and glowing implants, half machine, only part human. His gaze sharpened on her face, a firm focus, deliberate and controlled.

"What was hard for me?" Shepard repeated with an edge. "You were saying …"

"Oh, uh, yeah. Right." He shifted back a step and angled toward the wall. His eyes drifted away. "I was just – on Tuchanka. Was that hard? Seeing the thresher maw?" He took a long pull from his water bottle. He capped it and glanced over at her.

Shepard glared back at him. "Why? Any thresher maw sighting must trigger PTSD?"

Kaidan looked away sharply and set his water bottle down. "Sorry, Shepard. I wasn't meaning to – I just thought it might have been hard. I overstepped though. Asking. I'm sorry."

Shepard knotted her arms and tapped the water bottle against her hip. "It's fine. Thresher maws are just mindless animals. They act like you'd expect. For all the bad, it's nice to see a little good I suppose. But in the end, they're still exactly what you knew them to be."

"Right …" His brow furrowed. He looked past her and rubbed his arm. "Anyway, just glad to get a point on the reader board for our side."

Shepard followed his eyes to the elevator. Kaidan snagged his towel and water bottle off the crate.

"I should get ready for duty," he said.

She had driven him off. She rattled the water in her water bottle and frowned. Was it the awkwardness of refusing to discuss her weepy thresher maw fears? Or was it seeing her implants? It could be both. Kaidan took a step toward the elevator. She edged in front of him. He stopped.

"I was going to …" His eyes lowered and intensified into a stare.

Shepard glanced down. She hadn't even consciously realized she was doing it. Her fingertips pressed to the glow just visible above the fabric of her sports bra.

"Is this bothering you?" Shepard took a step toward him.

His eyes snapped up, but he couldn't meet her gaze. "Uh, sorry, Shepard. I … I don't know."

She felt sick. "It does bother you."

"I—I guess? I'm really sorry, Shepard. I just—I … Well, hmm. Sorry." He darted around her.

Shepard's shoulders slumped. Her insides twisted. She should have kept her hoodie on, kept it zipped to the chin. She watched him retreating and grit her teeth. Her hands balled into fists. No. This was the way she was now. Damn him then if he couldn't accept the new her, flesh and blood and gizmos. She hurled her water bottle into the floor and raced up behind him. She tore him around by the shoulder to face her. His eyes ballooned.

"Listen up." She stepped into him and whipped her voice out with a crack. "I'll say it once. I'm part machine, I know that, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you're going to treat me like a person and follow my orders. Stay on the same page with me, we'll get along. We don't need to be friends. My buddy quota's full anyway. But if you treat me like a cyborg on the field, question me, I'll kick your ass so hard my footprint will need to be surgically removed. Got it?"

Kaidan stood frozen. His spine was stretched so tight it might snap. He barely breathed. Her face was close enough to tell. A wrench clanged on the metal floor behind her. The maintenance worker's mouth hung open. Shepard faced him with hands on his hips, and he tucked into the floor like a prairie dog under the shadow of an eagle.

"Are we on the same page?" Shepard swung her face back to Kaidan.

Kaidan's chest expanded. His breathing fell back into rhythm. He was starting to thaw.

Shepard drummed her fingers on her hips. "Just say we're on the same page, Major, and we can move forward."

"We're not on the same page."

Shepard dropped her arms and faced him full on. "What?"

"Have I treated you like less than a person? Where the hell is this coming from?"

Shepard jabbed her finger at the spot they'd been standing minutes ago. "Right there. My hardware makes you uncomfortable, fine, but I'm not a machine. I'm not going to let you treat me like one."

Kaidan followed her finger with his eyes. His eyebrows lifted. "Oh." His lips twitched with the hint of a smile. The tightness drained from his posture. "Shepard …"

"You think this is funny?" Shepard said.

"Well …" Kaidan shrugged a shoulder. His lips spread into a full smile. "Hey, it's not what you think. Don't be angry. Poor Johnston's quivering under the floorboards."

"Then what am I getting wrong?" Shepard glared into his smile. "I asked a direct question, you gave a direct answer."

"Maybe, but …" Kaidan chewed the corner of his lip. He eyed her for a second, then folded his arms. "I don't know if I want to say. The takeaway is: you misunderstood. You're a person to me, all right? Of course, you are." Shepard's eyes thinned, but he continued. "And don't give me a footprint I need surgically removed. All the real war wounds being triaged, I'd be on the waiting list forever."

"I'll make sure it deserves priority. Turn around."

"Ha. Think I'd make it easy for you? Fight or flight, remember? I'm faster."

He backed up and pushed the elevator button. Shepard stared hard at him, but he only returned her glare with a cheeky smile. The breath clenched in her chest drained away in a long sigh.

"Kaidan, you really don't think I'm—"

"No, I don't." Kaidan stepped backward into the elevator and stopped the door with his hand. "I don't care about your cybernetics, Shepard. Just means you'd lose playing hide and seek in the dark, but other than that … You're a person to me, Shepard. Sometimes I wish that's all you were." He pulled back, and the elevator doors closed.

Shepard folded her arms. A frown soured her lips.

"Commander?" The engineer's voice wavered.

"Johnston?" Shepard twisted to the head popping up from the floor. "Sorry about that. Didn't mean to singe any bystanders."

"That's okay, Commander. Still got my eyebrows." He crawled out of the floor and walked over to her. He tapped a wrench in one palm and opened his mouth. He closed it again.

"What is it?" Shepard took a step toward him.

"Major Alenko." Johnston nodded at the elevator. "This might be an inappropriate observation, ma'am, but the Major's been checking you out pretty thoroughly when you're not looking. Well, even when you are looking ..." He waved his wrench toward the place she and Kaidan had stood earlier.

Shepard's heart sped up. "What? You mean, like – You're sure?"

"It didn't look like a professional visual pat down, you know what I mean. Just saying. Might want to straighten him out before there's trouble."

"Huh." Shepard clicked her tongue and smiled. "Yes, indeed. Well, well …"

"Not to criticize, ma'am." Johnston pointed the wrench at her this time. "Maybe you wouldn't have trouble receiving attention like that if you … Not saying it's your fault."

Shepard looked down. Her skin glistened with sweat. The curve of her breasts rose and fell with each breath, straining against the clinging fabric of her sports bra. She touched her bare stomach and faced her reflection in the metal wall. The implant glowed in her chest. She traced the light between the swell of her breasts and smiled. Ah. Maybe it wasn't the implants under her skin bothering him. It was the skin itself. She brushed a hand down her side. Only a sports bra and leggings.

"Don't leer at me, Johnston." Shepard looked over her shoulder.

He sprang into motion. "Sorry, ma'am. Really, really didn't mean –"

"Eh. Just giving you a hard time. Keep up the good work. Whatever you're pounding away on down there, continue."

Shepard fluttered to the elevator. She should make sure Kaidan was on the same page as her about this. Distractions and emotional complications weren't appropriate for war time. Still, she couldn't help smiling. She jabbed the elevator button. She'd set him straight some other time.


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard teetered to her feet and braced a hand on the card table. "Whoever said you couldn't fight a reaper mono a mono? Answer's Kaidan, by the way." She threw back the shot. "Salud!"

The portside lounge was overcrowded, full of booze and celebration. Most of the senior crew were here. Orbiting Rannoch, finishing up peace talks, it was nice having something worth toasting. The geth and quarian were on the same side for the first time. She didn't want to think about the sacrifice to get there. That was for another time. Tonight, light years from a port, it was shore leave without leaving for shore. Well earned. Needed. Granted, some responsible parties still held the reins upstairs.

"Haha! You're learning, Lola." James reached over the card table and clinked Shepard's glass. "Salud!"

"Is it normal for a military vessel to carry this much alcohol?" Liara hovered over the card table.

Most of the partiers buzzed around the bar across the room. Others lounged over the furniture and crowded by the door toasting and talking over each other. Only a few were willing to go head to head with James at the card table: Garrus, Tali, Kaidan, Dr. Chakwas, and Shepard herself. Dr. Chakwas was a card shark, but a sleeping one at this point. She rested her face in the crook of her elbow breathing in a steady snore.

Tali looked up at Liara. "This is a special – _hic hic."_ Tali put a hand to her chest. "Special – _hic _– Special occasion."

James laughed and pointed at Kaidan. Kaidan sat at Tali's side. "Got your work cut out for you, Major. Your student's about to fall off her chair."

"We're hustling you." Kaidan folded his arms and tipped back in his chair. "Your call, Vega."

Behind her, Joker and EDI sat on the couch rewatching footage from Rannoch. Adams regaled Cortez, Donnelly, and Daniel with the genius of the quarian fusion generator he'd seen on the flotilla tour. No one looked as interested as Adams himself, who offered up his own questions in a rhetorical fashion and then answered them.

It made Shepard smile seeing them all cut loose for a while. A little unconventional, maybe rebellious, but they had forty-eight hours of hang time until the quarian and geth finished up talks. The navigator had the bridge covered. Who knew when they'd be in port again? By that time, there could be more losses than wins fueling the tab. Shepard wobbled down onto her chair.

"Read 'em and weep, Sparks." James spread his cards on the stable. "Straight."

Garrus threw his cards on the table. "Every time."

"Eh, I knew you had nothing, Scars." James didn't spare him a glance. He leaned forward, his eyes on Tali. "Well? Gotta show 'em some time. Don't let your Jedi master use the hood of your suit for wiping his tears."

Kaidan rolled his eyes and tipping back further in his chair. "Go ahead, Tali."

Tali held the cards close to her mask. She looked between them and James's straight laying on the table.

"Hmm. Can't tell." Tali put an elbow on the table, maybe to steady her wavering cards. "Just can't – _hic _– tell."

"You don't need to tell," James said. "Time for figuring it out is over. I called. Now it's time to show. You teaching her nothing over there, Major?"

"She's beaten you a few times," Kaidan said.

"Luck. Come on, Sparks. Lay 'em down."

Tali snapped one card down at a time and pulled her hands back. James stood and squinted at them.

"That is higher?" Tali tapped a card.

"Dammit! No way. How with the -Then the - Holy damn." James plopped down in his chair. "You were twisting the fabric on your suit. The left wrist."

Tali turned to Kaidan. "Fell for it. _Hic_."

"What?" James said. "Alenko's red herring deal? Dammit. Major, you got to keep some tricks in your own bag. You want to be writing your paycheck to me _and_ Tali. Do not let the student surpass the master: Poker by Vega 101."

"A class with that philosophy isn't worth the tuition." Kaidan got to his feet. He put a hand on Tali's shoulder. "Let me get it."

"You just – _hic _– I didn't knock over – _hic _– that much last time."

"All quarians get this hiccupping?" Garrus craned his head and looked at Tali over Kaidan's arms.

"Quite normal," Dr. Chakwas said. Shepard jumped. Dr. Chakwas lifted her face from the crook of her elbow and yawned. "Quarians have tender digestive systems when it comes to ethanol. Not uncommon to have a little intestinal rebellion. Where are my chips?"

"Dr. Chakwas." EDI came to the table. "As you were incognizant, it was suggested your chips be exchanged for digital credits. I have made a direct deposit into the account specified on your Alliance paystub."

"You can see our paystubs?" Traynor turned from the group at the bar.

"I have access to all Alliance accounts. This information is confidential."

Joker slouched back on the couch with a sigh. "I've tried getting her to tell me how much Kaidan makes. She won't." He caught Kaidan's sharp frown. "What? Just curious. Shepard's CO of a starship, but you've got the lapel chits. Who wouldn't want to know? Right? James?"

"Whoa. Ha. I'm not getting into that."

"Liara," Joker waved at her, "you're academic. Don't you – Oh. Wait. You probably already know."

"I do." Liara strolled to the bar. "Speak to one of my brokers with five thousand credits ready, and we can talk."

"What? No favors? You all forgot my birthday this year, by the way. Not even a card."

Shepard rested her forehead on the table. Legion should be here. She pulled her mind away from that trail. No, it was a good day. If she didn't focus on the positives … She didn't want to think about where that would go either. Shepard toyed with the refilled shot by her face.

"Salud!" She raised the glass then dribbled it into her mouth.

XXX

Shepard lurched upright in her chair. A card fluttered off the sticky skin of her forehead. She was still in the portside lounge. Dr. Chakwas snored softly with her cheek against the table. James slumped in his chair with closed eyes and an open mouth. Garrus was sleeping facedown in the center of the card table, fully stretched in a chalk outline of poker chips. She looked forward to hearing that story.

Bodies lay across the furniture or on the floor slouched against the wall. Donnelly looked particularly uncomfortable, folded like an accordion in the crevice between the couch and wall.

"Commander Shepard." EDI glided from her statured pose against the wall.

"We weren't drugged, were we?" Shepard laughed into the back of her hand. The room sloshed around her with her wave of laughter.

"Ethanol poisoning can be a serious medical condition," EDI said, "but I do not detect levels near the threshold needed for lethality."

"Guess that's good." Shepard stood. She stumbled forward and caught herself on EDI shoulder. She gazed around them. "Where, uh – they're all here? No. Wait. Who's missing? Don't tell me. It's Waldo again."

"We do not have a crew member by the legal registered name of Waldo. Is this colloquial for a more formalized version of another name?"

"You mean, like EDI is?"

"That is a correct example."

Shepard patted EDI's shoulder then used her as leverage to search the floor. She found her comm halfway under the table and popped it into her ear.

"If you are still interested in the results of your earlier inquiry, I can update you on crew location throughout the ship. For instance, Major Alenko –"

"Oh, yeah. Right, right." Shepard wobbled around to face the table. His chair was empty. "Where'd he go?"

"Major Alenko is in engineering."

"Huh?" Shepard staggered across the room, bumping into chairs, and tripping over empty cups. "Good night, EDI."

In the elevator, Shepard swayed on her feet staring at the buttons. Her cabin sounded good. Engineering sounded better. She punched it. She had to check on her crew after all. She'd just taken inventory of all her senior staff members minus one. The elevator stopped, and she tumbled out. The buzz of a hovercam made her look up.

"Commander! Excellent timing." Allers's stilettos clicked across the floor from her studio. "Viewers were enthralled with footage of you taking down the reaper. I'd love some live Q and A."

"Oh. Of course, of course." Shepard tugged on her uniform and tried to stand tall. The floor kept moving, so it was harder than she remembered.

"Excellent." Allers clapped her hands and rushed to Shepard's side. "Any questions off limits? Viewers like candor though. Transparency. Raw reactions. Maybe some, uh, personal questions? Just a few?"

"Give the viewers what they want." Shepard focused on the bot overhead. It kept going in and out of focus. Damn thing. "I look at the lens, right? No changes?"

"No changes." Allers clicked a button on her microphone and turned to the camera. "Welcome to a live impromptu question and answer session with Commander Shepard aboard the SSV Normandy. We have unrestricted access to discuss the now-infamous reaper takedown on Rannoch: Commander Shepard on foot, staring into the eye of annihilation. We'll discuss the liberation of Rannoch and the tenuous peace between machine and master. Commander Shepard has also agreed to open up about her childhood, life on Mindoir before the attack, time in foster care, and the devastating massacre on Akuze. Welcome, Commander."

Shepard gripped Allers's arm to steady herself. The microphone filled her face. "This is Commander Shepard."

"Uh, indeed." Allers pulled the microphone back. "Let's start at the beginning. Mindoir. Your parents. You had extended family there. Tell us about them. What was life like?"

"Mindoir?" Shepard scrunched her face. "Well, uh – I guess. Got some photos." She fumbled with her Omni-Tool.

"Excellent." Allers's eyes glowed. She looked over Shepard's shoulder at the screen and waved the camera bot closer. "Perhaps a family picture? Your parents and –"

"Commander," a male voice snapped. "Alliance Command is on the comm for you."

Allers's mouth tightened. She forced the corners up with a perky warble in her voice. "Ah. Humanity's other Spectre. Major Alenko. Perhaps you can—"

"An emergency, Commander. You're needed right away."

A hand grabbed Shepard's wrist. He spun her around to face him. Her Omni-Tool screen dropped.

"I almost found it," Shepard huffed. "There's an emergency?"

Kaidan gave her a pointed look. "Alliance Command. Immediately."

"Just one question." Allers elbowed between them and faced Shepard. "When Mindoir was—"

"I should go. Emergency." Shepard decided.

Allers frowned. "Can we just see that photo?"

"This way, Commander." Kaidan yanked her away. They rounded the corner into the main engine room and shut the door.

"Kinda loud in here." Shepard clutched his arm. "Why's the floor like this? Moving. Is that the emergency?"

"I got you out of the emergency."

"Alliance Command though …"

"Bluffing."

"Oh."

Shepard's legs gave way. She slipped, and Kaidan caught her under the arms.

"I can tell when you're bluffing, you know." She tapped his chest with a finger.

"I know. Why do you think I offered to teach Tali instead of playing?"

"You smell good."

"Thanks."

He helped her to the floor. "Guess I should've put you in the elevator, not dragged you back here. Allers's probably circling the door now. You want me to get you to your cabin?"

"What? No, this is good. I kind of like the way my skin feels in here. Eezo."

Kaidan slid down next to her but left open space between them. He wasn't going to be able to hear her from there though. Shepard scooted over.

"Whatcha doing down here?" she asked.

"Aah. Not in my ear."

"So loud down here though."

"I can hear you. Doesn't need to be in my ear." He laughed but scooted over a space. "Why am I down here? Because all your engineers are blowing bubbles against the carpet upstairs. Came down to check on things."

"Why aren't you blowing bubbles? And why won't you sit by me?"

"At least one experienced officer should be sober. Consider me the designated driver."

"And?"

"And, I saw where things were going with the drinks, so I only dabbled."

"Not that. The other question."

"Any closer, you'd be sitting on me, Shepard."

"Not true." Shepard shuffled up against him. Their arms stuck together. "Ha. See."

"Drunk Shepard doesn't have a personal bubble, hm?"

"Nope. I'd rather sit close." She tipped her head against his shoulder and pulled up her Omni-Tool screen. "That's my dad." She raised her wrist to his face.

He pulled her hand down and turned off the screen.

"I was trying to show you something," Shepard protested.

"You're drunk. You want to show me that, show it to me when you're sober."

Shepard relaxed her muscles and slouched against him. She tapped the picture up again on her Omni-Tool and studied it in her lap. "I miss him. Sometimes when I wake up in a sky car – it's going fast, up and down, jerky turns – sometimes, before my eyes clear, I think he's there. In the pilot's seat. He'll tell me he was dodging a flock of gavas, but I'll know that's a lie. We're close to home, and he wanted to wake me up."

Kaidan unstuck their arms and slid his arm around her shoulders. He didn't say anything, just squeezed her arm.

"You were right about the thresher maw." She rested her cheek against his chest. "On Tuchanka. The ground rumbles, and I remember. Killed so many of them now. I think, if only I knew then what I know now, how to do it, if I could go back …" Her finger circled a spot on his chest by her face.

"Shepard." He caught her hand. He curled it back to her lap. "Don't let what Allers said get under your skin."

Shepard drew in a deep breath of his aftershave. His chest was warm under her cheek. It felt like old times in some ways, except for this damn uniform in her way. She wanted the smooth skin of his chest against her face, wanted him to quiver when she pressed her lips to it. She wanted to hook him by the back of the neck and drag him to her lips.

She lifted her eyes. "Kaidan, I never told you, but –"

"No, Shepard. Unless it's a knock-knock joke, I don't want to hear it. Whatever it is. Not like this."

"Just one thing I wanted to –"

"Come on." Kaidan lifted her to her feet. "Let's go. I'll check for Allers."

Shepard tripped along behind him holding the sleeve of his shirt. "I kept thinking as we played cards. You know, I should stop. Last one, last one. I think I had too much."

Kaidan peered around the corner toward the elevator then guided Shepard ahead of him. The elevator doors opened. He pushed the button for her cabin and stepped back.

"Kaidan, come with me." Shepard put a hand out.

Kaidan folded his arms. "Night, Shepard."

The doors slid shut. Shepard slouched back against the wall. He smelled so good.


	8. Chapter 8

"Got a problem with the names up there?" Shepard snapped.

Kaidan jumped. "What?"

Shepard came from the elevator and waved at the crew deck's memorial wall. She wore her dress blues, hair tied back with wisps escaping at the temples. There was a fresh air smell to her, though that could be his imagination. He knew she'd been in the fresh air.

"How was the ceremony?" Kaidan asked.

"Fine. Got it done." Shepard wedged in front of the memorial wall and gave him a hard look. "You got a problem we need to work out?"

Kaidan frowned. "I don't understand why you insisted I stay on the ship, but that's not a problem. I'm glad things wrapped up well with the flotilla and the consensus."

"Uh huh." Shepard tapped her finger on one of the plaques. "I'm talking about this."

Kaidan shifted his focus. LEGION.

"I have no problem with that," he said.

"Really? You, the geth-hater?"

Kaidan inhaled sharply. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Deny you hate them. Go ahead."

"I don't - They killed a quarter of the names up there. They were the enemy. Takes a little while to see beyond that. Doesn't mean I'm not trying."

"So his name shouldn't be up there? He's the one-time enemy you're trying to see in a new light. He's machine, so not really alive, right? Not fully organic like you. Something happens to me, maybe my name shouldn't be up there either."

Kaidan grappled for words. His chest tightening. Three crew members passed them on their way to the starboard lounge. Their straight-ahead intensity said more than openly gawking.

Kaidan grabbed Shepard by the arm and pulled her protesting into the life support room. It was empty and dim. Wiring curled out of an open panel in the back. A roll of tools lay next to it, someone's project no doubt. But no one was here now. The door slid shut.

"What's going on, Shepard? Why're you mad at me? I've already told you, you're a person to me. Same as anyone. I don't think you're the enemy anymore. Sure, I'm still wrapping my head around the geth being on our side, but cut me some slack. I know Legion was your friend. You say he was alive, I believe you. I didn't know him."

"Hmm." Shepard folded her arms.

"Hey." Kaidan touched her arm, but she stepped back. He frowned and chewed the corner of his lip. "Look, Shepard. You're right, I don't want your name on that wall. But it's not because your existence is less than mine. In fact, it's probably worth more. Will you stop glowering at me now?"

"I'm not glowering."

"That's a glower. Go look in the mirror." Kaidan wandered deeper into the room. He tried to keep his outward appearance cool, but his heart pounded. "You've been avoiding me for days. You dismissed me from the ceremony on Rannoch, and now this? You don't want me here, just say so."

"What? No." Shepard tripped over her feet to get to him. "I don't want you to go. I just – It's – Hell, I don't know!"

Kaidan leaned back against the wall. The life support system hummed behind his head. He sighed. "This about the other night? Engineering and Allers."

"Hell, Kaidan. I already messaged you." Her voice had bite. "What? You need an in-person handshake for saving me?"

Kaidan's heart dropped. He pushed off the wall and moved to the door. "Have some Spectre requisitions I should review."

"Kaidan, wait. Hey, hey, hey."

"Conversation's over, Shepard."

"Wait. No." Shepard pulled him back from the opening door. She turned him around by the shoulder. "Hey, I'm – I'm – Hmm. I'm …"

"You can't even say you're sorry." Kaidan flicked her hand off his shoulder and turned to the door. He pressed the button again.

"Wait. I'm sorry."

"Too late." Kaidan stepped through the door.

Shepard tumbled against the doorframe. "Can we talk about what I told you?"

Kaidan stopped. He turned. "What are you talking about?"

"That … that …" Shepard growled a long sigh and rested her face against the doorframe. "That stupid stuff I said. You know, when I was hammered."

"Said what? I've already forgotten." Kaidan folded his arms. "There. Happy now?"

"Kaidan, come on. Let's not pretend. We'll hash it out." Shepard waved for him to come back to the life support room.

Two privates gave them furtive looks as they passed. They clutched their mess hall trays closer, whispered, and bunched close to the elevator doors. One repeatedly jabbed the button. Kaidan glanced back at them and then moved in closer to Shepard.

He lowered his voice. "I'm not your punching bag. If you're mad about telling me too much, consider it forgotten. Don't dredge up every battle we've already laid to rest to make me into the bad guy. You feel bad about it, you have yourself to blame. Not me."

Shepard jaw tightened. She glanced over Kaidan's shoulder at the privates then tipped her head back toward life support. With a sigh, he followed her inside. The door closed.

"Fine," she said. "I'm not happy about what I said. Not sure I even remember it right. All fuzzy. Did I say something about my, um … well, my … my dad?"

A sharp edge flinted her eyes, but the rims gleamed with a wet blur. His heart twisted. He could lie. He could say she hadn't said anything about her dad, or he could act like he really had forgotten. The idea of lying acidified his blood though. He didn't want lies between them.

"Yes," he said.

"Oh." She tilted her chin up but looked away. "I get silly - sentimental - when I drink too much. Say things I don't mean. My dad's been dead over fifteen years. I've lived more of my life with him dead than alive. Allers just worked me up."

Kaidan rolled his lips together and nodded. Shepard stared at the floor.

"My dad only died weeks ago," Kaidan said, "but fifteen years from now, I know I'll still miss him."

"Well, you're different than me."

"Maybe," Kaidan said and stepped closer. "Shepard, when you died – I thought you died – we'd only known each other a few months. Less than a year. Two years later, several times longer than what we had together, I still missed you. It still hurt. I don't think there's an expiration date on grieving someone you love."

Shepard avoided his eyes, angling away, and knotted her arms. "I'm not sentimental. The present and future matter, not the past."

"Yeah? You really think that?" Kaidan smiled weakly.

He touched her elbow, and she hesitated. She eyed him sideways. For a second, he wasn't sure which way she was turning, only that she was turning. She turned into him. He wrapped his arms around her. The heaviness in his chest eased. He hadn't been this close to her since Horizon.

"You know," he rested his cheek on her hair, "the past determines the present and the future. Seems pretty important to me."

"This hug is for you, not me, by the way." She buried her face in his chest. "I just feel bad about your dad and – you know – dying on you. This is not me being weepy and sappy. For the record."

"What record? Past doesn't matter."

Shepard laughed and coiled her arms around his chest. "Sorry for being terrible to you."

"You can talk to me, you know. You don't need to worry what I'll think."

Shepard raised her face. "You might not like my opinions."

"You might not like mine either. Doesn't change my opinion of you though."

Shepard drew back. She laid her palms flat on his chest, and his breath caught. Blood rushed in his veins. Shepard searched his eyes.

"Can you see the metal in my eyes?" she asked.

"Yes." He smoothed a wisp of hair back from her face. "That's not all I see."

She held his eyes. His skin prickled. Excitement bubbled inside him like he was carbonated. Her gaze shook him harder with each passing second. His heart was going to break through his ribs. She lifted fingers and quivering touched his jaw. His breath sharpened. He dipped his face.

The door opened. They sprang apart. Two engineers stopped in the doorway mid-sentence. Johnston avoided their eyes and pointed at something on the far wall. They crossed and picked up the roll of tools. Shepard shot to the door.

"Shepard," Kaidan called.

She didn't even look back. "Got a meeting with Hackett on the QEC. Some reports. Intels coming in from Eden Prime to review. Later, Major."

The engineers follow her out. The door slid shut. Kaidan braced a hand on the wall swaying from the woozy rush of … What? Had he almost kissed her? He wanted to kiss her. Kaidan stared at the door. He wanted to be with her. If the galaxy was ending, he was wasting time not being with the one he loved. She came back from the dead. He'd nearly died himself on Mars. How long had they wasted already? Months, almost a year?

His heart pounded. He was going to ask her. Better to be told 'no' and risk awkwardness than yearn for something he let slip away. Soon it would be too late. But it wasn't too late yet. He smiled. He really hoped she'd say 'yes.'

XXX

Kaidan paced next to the window in the starboard lounge. He repeated the words over in his head. It had to sound casual, unpracticed. He couldn't trip up, sound anxious about the answer. And he hadn't even gotten to scripting the hard part, the real question. This was just inviting her to lunch. He'd mentioned steak at Apollo's. He'd set the groundwork, so it should be an easy lead in. Kaidan wiped his palms on his shirt. Even his face felt hot. The lounge door slid open. Kaidan turned.

"I've got five minutes," Shepard said coming through the sliding doors.

"Hey, Shepard." His smile faltered. "And … Garrus. And Tali." The last person entered the room, and Kaidan frowned. "And Javik."

"The starboard lounge." Shepard waved a hand out.

Javik surveyed the space with a curled lip. "If your primitive brains had higher functions, this tour would not be necessary. Tedious when a simple exchange of understanding would have sufficed."

"You remember Major Alenko." Shepard nodded at Kaidan. "He was at your Sleeping Beauty awakening a few hours ago."

Kaidan tried to catch Shepard's eye. "Shepard, could I –"

"I am so sorry." Liara glided through the door. "I had some urgent matters, but I'm here now."

"How many primitives does this tour require?"

"Glad you joined us, Liara." Shepard looked at Javik. "You remember Dr. T'Soni?"

"This asari. How could I not?"

Liara's eyes brightened. "Are you getting accustomed to your new surroundings? I didn't want to overwhelm you with questions, but if –"

"No." Javik lifted his head higher. "I have no time for asari curiosity. Let this tour continue."

Tali's attention was on Garrus. "But when did she give you the chocolates?"

"I've told you. A friendly gesture. I saved her life, remember?"

"So did Shepard and Kaidan." Tali's mask swiveled to Kaidan. "You didn't get chocolates from Dr. Michel, did you, Kaidan?"

"Uh." Kaidan tried to refocus. "What? No."

"See." Tali waved a hand. "No chocolates."

Kaidan glanced between them. "Honestly, Dr. Michel saving me from traumatic brain injury was thanks enough."

"Thank you, Kaidan." Garrus nodded. "See. That's a step above chocolates. Does it matter where I got them?"

Tali pointed at her Omni-Tool. "I've looked it up. Humans see a gift of chocolates in a box as an overture. They have a holiday around it. When exactly did she give it to you?"

"I don't remember." Garrus held his arms out. "Why would I remember to the day?"

Tali put her hands on her hips. "Did it come with a card?"

Shepard smirked at them.

"Shepard," Kaidan tried again for her attention. He took a step forward. "I wanted to see you a second. Before we get to the Citadel."

"Here I am. In the flesh. Shoot." Shepard squared herself to him. "The five-minute timer's about to blink. Quiet, everyone."

Garrus and Tali stopped talking. Liara turned her head to Kaidan. Even Javik's four eyes rested on him. Heat rose up Kaidan's neck.

"Uh, well …"

"Primitive dialect. Ineffectual," Javik muttered.

"Are you all right, Kaidan?" Liara drew closer and peered at him. "Your coloring … In humans, it could indicate illness."

Tali tapped Garrus's shoulder. "And the only thing she said was, 'Here are some chocolates'?"

Garrus growled. "It was wrapped. Of course, she didn't say, 'Here are some chocolates.' Probably more like, 'Here you go. Open.'"

"It was wrapped?" Tali twisted sharply to face him. "What shape is the box?"

Shepard tapped her foot drawing Kaidan's eyes. "Buzzer's going off, Kaidan. I've got a royal escort I need to promenade to the CIC."

Javik looked sideways at Shepard. "You will be accompanying me to see these councilors of yours?"

"Oh, yeah. Definitely." Shepard turned on her heels and opened the door.

"Shepard …" Kaidan tried again.

Ever since that day in life support, it had become impossible to snag any of her time. Maybe that was by design. He wasn't sure. It seemed legitimate most of the time: conference calls, rounding, update meetings, and debriefings. The only time he spent with her was on a mission. He could hardly ask her when they were groundside, could he? Kaidan scratched his neck. No. On the shuttle? No, just no.

"What's up, Kaidan?" Shepard leaned back from the door with everyone bunching behind her and met his eyes. "I've got a full schedule with our new recruit here. Can it wait until the Citadel?"

"I, uh …" Kaidan shifted.

"Yeah?" Shepard turned fully around.

"Nothing. Never mind."

Javik eyed him. "In my cycle, subordinates who made a habit of wasting their master's time were punished by confinement."

"He's not making a habit of it." Shepard sighed. Kaidan's heart dropped. Shepard glanced at him then added in a rush. "Not that I'm saying Kaidan's wasting my time. Now, let's go. Javik, how about you let me do most of the talking when we reach the Council Chamber?"

"No," Javik said simply and cut her off through the door.

Liara slid through the door behind him. Shepard herded Garrus and Tali out in front of her. Kaidan's shoulders sank. He chewed the corner of mouth watching them go.

Shepard stopped at the door and pointed at him. "Hey, you remember what you had to say, message me. You're not wasting my – anyway, didn't mean – well, you know."

Javik's voice carried from the hallway. "This medical officer is frail. In my cycle –"

"Gotta go." Shepard scurried out the door. "Javik, you have four hours to learn social tact before meeting the councilors or you could end up in confinement in _this _cycle."

The doors slid shut. Kaidan's heart sagged like lead in his chest. Maybe he was foolish even thinking about this. She had her mission, a hundred people comm-ing her all day, friends and crew all over the ship pulling her aside. She didn't need another drain on her reserves. Only, he didn't want to be a drain. He wanted to _give_ her reserves, help her catch her breath, be a place where she didn't have to give anything and had everything. Everything he could give her anyway.

Kaidan sighed, slid down on the bench, and stared at the stars. They'd come a long way. He loved her. He'd told her he loved her. He hadn't told her he wanted to be with her. He did. More than anything. He hunched forward and buried his face in his hands. She was the same Shepard he'd always loved. The same connection, electric but comfortable. Everything felt right. It was either the worst timing or the best. He wasn't sure. The only thing he was sure of was that he wanted to try.

He straightened on the bench and pulled up the screen on his Omni-Tool. A message was better than nothing. He punched it out. His heart thumped as he reread it. A simple message. A first step. She would know he wanted to talk about something private. He pushed send and stood up.

Four hours to the Citadel and who knew how many hours before she'd have time to see him. He needed to do something to not think about it. Something hands on. Busy work. He punched the elevator button for engineering. Adams could usually use an extra hand.


	9. Chapter 9

Shepard's heart beat in rhythm with her footsteps, meaning a gallop. She dragged Kaidan by the fingertips down the dock. The Normandy rose before them. Once through the Normandy's door, the decontamination cycle started.

"The Citadel has the slowest damn elevators," Shepard muttered pacing the airlock. "Why'd those salarians have to get in with us? Are those close-door buttons just props?"

Kaidan laughed, face flushed, and eyed her obliquely. "Shepard, that really wasn't nice."

"What? Pushing the button? I was this close to shoving them out with my boot. Giving them a good 'shoo' hand flapping. You take forever to eat a steak sandwich, by the way." Shepard glanced at the camera overhead. She twisted away from Kaidan with more caged pacing.

"There's time. The reapers aren't in the nebula yet." Kaidan smirked.

Damn that smirk was cute. Ah! She swung away again and faced the Normandy's door. Now she'd unblinded herself and let the feelings escape, it was an endorphin trigger just looking at him. Since the day in life support, she'd hoped a busy schedule and some distance would solve things. Now, she didn't want to solve it. At least, not by burying it. The doors hissed open. Shepard dove onto the gangway.

"Oh, hey, Commander." Joker called from the cockpit. He swiveled around in his chair. "Got some flight records you need to sign off. Like, ASAP."

Shepard froze. She ground her teeth and spun around. She stumbled into Kaidan. She gave him a good leer before shuffling around him.

"Give 'em to me." Shepard put her hand out to Joker. "With the speed I check them, you'll be wishing the Normandy was that fast."

"Whoa. Don't insult my woman. She's right there."

EDI turned in the copilot's seat. "Jeff, this body is not the focal point of my sensory input."

"Yeah. Heard that before." Joker leaned an elbow on his armrest. "Makes it a little weird, EDI, when your sensory input involves the whole crew."

"I can be selective in disabling sensory input according to stimuli and location."

"EDI, not in front of the Commander."

"Joker, my patience is so thin a sneeze will tear it." Shepard waved her hand. "Well?"

Joker frowned at something behind Shepard. Shepard followed his gaze to Kaidan. Kaidan stood on the gangway a few steps behind her, arms crossed, and studying the ceiling vent.

"Joker," Shepard snapped.

"What? Oh, yeah. It's here somewhere. Had it on one of these datapads." Joker fumbled around below his seat shifting through the heap of wrappers, soda bottles, and datapads. "Huh. Nope. That one's not it. Got to be –"

"This really ASAP?" Shepard put her fists on her hips and loomed over him.

Joker looked up into her shadow. "Commander, you seem kinda antsy. I've got it around here." He picked up another datapad and discarded it.

"Joker, these reports obviously aren't ASAP."

"What flight records are you trying to access, Jeff? Perhaps I can be of assistance."

"Uh …"

"You typically use ship-interfacing datapads. I can do a basic positioning search if given specific identification criteria. Alternatively, I can download the report onto a new datapad if recovering the original datapad is immaterial to the report's full review."

"No, EDI. I, uh … I'm sure it's here somewhere."

"Perhaps the datapad you are unable to locate has been misplaced at your side terminal. A pile of debris on the console could be concealing it."

Joker gave a tight chuckle. "Uh, doubt that, EDI. Why'd I be over there with it? I'm sure it's somewhere." Joker held Shepard's eye and teetered on the edge of his seat. He poked blindly at the side terminal. His eyes slid sideways to the side screen, and he cursed.

"Jeff, this search is increasing your heart rate. Your unstable position may precipitate a fall. Let me assist you."

Shepard frowned at Joker and stepped to the side to see the object of his blind fumbling.

"No, EDI, I've got it." Joker waved EDI off. He gave Shepard a cheesy, shifty-eyed grin. "Hey, Commander, why don't you –"

"What the hell's that?" Shepard lunged at the side terminal and tapped the screen. "This live? External surveillance cameras. The airlock too? Joker?"

Joker jabbed a round button next to the screen. The picture flipped. "It's set to autorotate cameras. Just like to be aware. You know."

"There are no ASAP reports, are there?" Shepard hissed. "EDI, was Joker watching me on the surveillance camera?"

"EDI," Joker whispered under his breath and gave her a pointed a stare.

"Jeff was made aware of your approach. Security footage was observed. Should the settings on these cameras have restricted access?"

He'd seen her towing Kaidan by the hand then. Shepard clenched her jaw and stared down at Joker. "You … I'll deal with you later. I've got something else I need to deal with ASAP. Now, where did … Dammit, where'd he go?"

"Which crew member do you wish to locate?" EDI came up beside her.

"Major—There he is." Shepard started down the gangway.

Kaidan passed her and plopped down a mini-ladder.

"Kaidan?" Shepard said. "What the hell are you doing?"

He shrugged and waved at Joker. "You're doing flight reports or whatever. Heard something clinking around up here." He climbed up the ladder, tugged off the overhead panel, and stuck his head inside.

"In the vent?" Shepard sputtered. "Who cares? Get down."

"Who cares?" Kaidan ducked his head down from the vent. "You know, I was just talking to Adams about the thermal element that cycles into the life support system."

EDI rubbed her chin. "There have been anomalous readings in this section of the life support ventilation."

"Are we going to die?" Shepard put her arms out.

"An unlikely outcome," EDI said. "The anomaly is confined to three meters of ductwork. The CIC and cockpit are supplied by –"

"Hear that, Kaidan? We're not going to die." Shepard tugged on his uniform.

Kaidan flared blue, and Shepard reeled back. He was reaching for something in the duct. The shock from his biotics made her laugh. They crinkled goosebumps up her arm. She hadn't expected him to flare.

"Kaidan." Shepard pushed down the giddy feeling and straightened her shoulders. Her heart beat against her ribs. Not overwhelmed by the battlefield, she could feel the unique resonance, the flavor of his biotics. The rush of energy was so familiar. It felt … felt good. Felt really good. "What are you doing, Kaidan? Don't make me knock the ladder out beneath you. We have a, uh … report to review." Joker snorted and gave Shepard a flat look.

EDI turned her head to Shepard. "Removing the ladder from under Major Alenko without warning may cause injury. As you are concerned with a task dependent on his involvement—"

Joker moaned and tipped his head back against the seat. "EDI, please."

"It is not recommended you risk a physical injury that could impede accomplishing your task," EDI concluded.

Shepard rubbed her arm. "Uh … well, I ... Kaidan! You almost done?"

"Found some loose bolts. See." Kaidan lowered his hand and showed a palm full of bolts. Blue faded off his skin. He must have been using biotics to collect them out of the duct. "Think I got all of them, but there's loose casing back there." He hopped off the ladder. "Probably should let Adams know so he can get someone up there. We'd need to order the parts before leaving the Citadel."

Shepard leaned into him. "You doing this to aggravate me on purpose? This some mental foreplay you're trying out? Because I hate it."

Kaidan gave a strained laugh. He glanced sideways at Joker.

"No," Kaidan whispered.

Joker snorted. "Uh, yeah, Kaidan, you're quiet enough I can't hear the words. Don't need to hear 'em to have my skin crawling. I mean, Commander, again? Don't do this."

"Joker." Shepard walked over to him. "Butting into my personal life is way out of line. Only warning." She stared down at him.

Joker fidgeted with his cap and spun around. "Loud and clear. Just trying to be a friend. Sorry I care."

Shepard glared at the back of his chair. She opened her mouth, mind spinning with words, then snapped it shut. She'd deal with this later. She spun around.

Kaidan was strolling down the gangway into the CIC. He held the comm in his ear. "Yeah, think it's block five toward the helm. Found some loose bolts. Looked stripped, like maybe the refresher system overhead is grinding against the top of the duct. Casing's coming loose." Kaidan stopped. He listened rolling the bolts around his palm. He looked back at the open vent. "No, I didn't try that. You really think … Oh, no. I agree. Makes sense. I can see if –"

"No, you can't." Shepard hooked his elbow.

The bolts spilled out of his hand. They scattered across the floor of the CIC. Kaidan spun in a half circle watching them roll through the grate.

"EDI," he said.

"I will recover the bolts," EDI said.

"Uh, thanks."

Shepard pulled him toward the elevator. He reached for the comm in his ear again, but Shepard dragged his hand down.

"Shepard, I should probably sign off with Adams. You stopped me mid-sentence."

Shepard pressed the comm in her ear and stopped at the elevator. "Adams? Hey. Major Alenko's out of order for a while." She listened. "He's fine. Catch you later. Shepard out." She gave Kaidan a pointed look.

"You're so impatient." Kaidan chuckled under his breath. "You going to tear me apart the minute the elevator doors close?"

"No." Shepard cast a bitter glance toward the cockpit. "Joker's watching us on the camera. Cabin door closes though … Won't be a piece left big enough to identify you by."

Kaidan laughed. It came out a bark. He smothered it with the back of his hand and smiled lopsidedly, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

A private crossed the CIC to them. "Major Alenko, I have –"

"No." Shepard batted back the incoming datapad.

The private stopped short with wide eyes.

"Later," Shepard said more smoothly. "He's off duty. Mission reports take priority." The elevator door opened.

"I—I understand, Commander. So sorry." The boy backed up.

"Shepard …" Kaidan growled under his breath. "Hey, Ellingsworth, you can message that to me. I'll get it back to you."

The boy's eyes brightened. "Uh, thanks, sir. Sorry to interfere."

Shepard yanked Kaidan into the elevator. She slapped the button for the cabin and interlaced her hands behind her back. Kaidan copied her posture. The elevator lifted them up a floor and opened to the landing in front of her cabin.

She bounded out and rushed to the door. A hand snared her elbow. Kaidan pulled her around to face him. Her breathing tightened. He was so close. He slid fingers into her hair, held the back of her head, and studied her eyes. Goosebumps pricked across her skin.

The cabin door opened at her back, but Shepard stepped closer to him instead. She wrapped her arms around his neck. His lips spread into a soft, wide smile. Damn, he was attractive. It wasn't just the symmetry of his face or those eyes. It was something magnetic beyond the concrete. His eyes dropped to her lips, and he leaned down.

Shepard lurched onto her toes and crushed her mouth to his lips. He tasted like she remembered. His lips moved like she remembered, soft and slow at first, exploring and velvety against her growing smile. She flicked her tongue across his lips, and he opened his mouth. Her blood roared. His tongue slipped slowly against hers. The floor fell away. She drew at his mouth, his tongue, all the oxygen in the room.

"I missed you." She panted between kisses.

"Missed you more," he murmured.

His fingertips caressed down her throat and splayed across her collarbone. She trembled. So much like she remembered and so different. She thought she remembered every touch. It was all new but familiar: the pinprickling trail of his fingertips, the vertigo of his deepening kisses, the heat of his breath against her face.

She worked her fingers between the buttons of his shirt and touched the hot skin beneath. He made a low sound in the back of his throat. Each labored breath drowned her deeper in his smell, fresh soap and pine. He tasted of premedatory mint. A sweet taste. She pressed against him with his chest thumping under her fingers. Her memory was too dull to record this.

She drew back gasping for air and laughed. He opened his eyes. His grin widened with dragging breaths rushing through his lips. Shepard grabbed his collar in both hands and pulled him backward into her room.

XXX

Light rippled on the walls from the fish tank. A fish tank of all things. A fish tank on a warship. Shepard rested against his chest, her soft breath tickling his skin. He couldn't stop smiling. Stars glimmered in the darkness overhead, starlight traveling light years through dead space, outliving their stars like an echo. Peaceful in a way, light continuing on long after its source collapsed into darkness.

Shepard stirred. Kaidan tensed waiting for her to settle. Instead, she spread a hand on his chest and looked up. She didn't say anything, a smile playing on her lips. Air lifted in his lungs. She was here. They were here together, one place, one time.

"Hey," he whispered. "I can't believe you're here. Feels like a dream."

"You're not dreaming." She sat up on his chest and brought her face level with his. "Dreams aren't that complicated. Creating your worst fear, then giving you something good at the same time."

Kaidan touched her cheek. "The best thing and the worst thing? If the worst thing only affected me instead of the galaxy, I'd say it was worth it."

Shepard leaned in and kissed him. He curled her hair around his fingers and kissed her back. Hours ago he'd been pacing the halls of the Citadel unsure if she'd take him even as a friend after he confessed. Now she was in his arms. She drew back from his mouth with a smirk. Kaidan's eyes shifted to the cabinet behind her.

"You have a nice ship collection," Kaidan said.

Shepard looked over her shoulder. "A work in progress."

"Collecting fish too. Was that a hamster up there?"

"The cage I almost knocked off throwing you against the wall? Sure was."

"Quite the place." He put an arm behind his head.

"And look at my newest cabin accessory." She pinched his chin and pecked him.

"What? Like your fish and ships?"

"Fish and _ships_? Ha! Nice."

Kaidan gave a tight chuckle. "Yeah, well, wish I could say my pun was intended. Just meant, you're collecting model ships and fish. Just suspicious of being a collectable. You got others in the closet?"

"You think I literally have skeletons in my closet?" Shepard lifted an eyebrow.

"Skeletons? I didn't say anything about them being skeletons. You're not the female version of Blue Beard, are you? I mean, it's worth it. Just a disappointing end to a good thing."

Shepard rested their foreheads together. She searched his eyes. "You really never found someone else? Two years."

His chest tightened. "I wasn't looking."

"Went on at least one date, didn't you?"

"I … well, I guess."

Shepard chuckled and clasped his face in her hands. "What's past is past, you know. Two years. I was dead. I'm just glad you're not married with kids or something. You're not, right?"

"No." He covered her hands on his face and grinned. "I did go out for drinks, so I was on the verge."

Her mouth curved up. She sank onto an elbow and traced a circle on his chest. "Two years. Two and a half years actually. A long time, Kaidan. Makes me a little sad."

Kaidan looked overhead at the stars. "Yeah, I guess."

Shepard kissed his chest and rested her cheek on his shoulder. "You should have tried. In the future, you know if, uh … something happens but the galaxy survives …"

"No," Kaidan said sharply. "Don't tell me that."

"I don't want you hurting again. You should move on."

"Shepard," he sighed. "I didn't want to force anything. Those two years, I wasn't ready. I knew that. I'd have just hurt someone by trying."

"The winds must have been shifting though. Before Horizon."

Kaidan considered it. His fingers brushed up and down her arm. "I don't know. My date - the one I had drinks with - she, uh …" His heart sped up, but he said it. "She kissed me. Felt too shocked to do anything. But later, I thought … maybe."

"Maybe," Shepard echoed. She hugged him tighter around the chest. "So, tonight, two and a half years, huh?"

Kaidan frowned at the ceiling. "Sorry if I got rust on you."

"Kaidan," Shepard laughed against his skin. "I love … being with you. Don't be a grump. You're spectacular. I had an achievement pin, I'd snap it to your lapel."

"I can't tell if you're making fun of me. You're making me a little self-conscious now."

Shepard sat up abruptly. "I'm trying to say it in a light way. I enjoy being with you." She gave him a wide grin. "Cross my heart, you really are spectacular. I was on the verge of knocking you over the head and dragging you up here by the heels. Think I'd have done that if I didn't really feel that way? Ilos was wanting only because I wanted more." She tapped his cheek with a palm.

His eyes narrowed. "I guess."

"Ha." Shepard brushed his lips with her smile. "Hey, where's my pin? Two and a half year wait, I hope I made scout, at least."

He tangled his fingers at the nape of her neck and smiled into her eyes. "I would wait a lifetime if, at the end, it meant seeing you again. I don't want anyone else. I never have. Whatever happens, I'm glad we're here now. I don't want to lose you again."

"You're such a romantic." Shepard chuckled. "You're too sweet to be with me, Kaidan. Hope you don't figure that out."

"I've had three years to think about it." He touched her lips in a slow kiss. "I know you're the one for me."

Shepard pressed into his kiss. He loved the feel of her fingers rustling through his hair. Static prickled across his scalp. Damn, he loved her. He wrapped his arms around her and savored the feel of her against his expanding chest. He'd never been so happy in his life. Or so scared.


	10. Chapter 10

"So, you and Kaidan again, huh?" Joker didn't look back at her, moving vectors around the cockpit's holoscreen. "This, like, official or just taste testing?"

"That a personal question, Joker?" Shepard stepped deeper into the cockpit. "Thought we covered this."

EDI twisted in her chair. "Jeff is concerned for your personal welfare. He believes Major Alenko will be detrimental to your long-term mental wellbeing."

"EDI!" Joker spun to EDI. "Like, for real, don't go saying stuff like that. It's weird."

"I am sorry, Jeff. Past observation has indicated Commander Shepard responds positively to straight-forward information. I believe it is called candor."

"Candor? What? Don't listen to her, Commander. Got a glitch in the system."

"Routine maintenance scans indicate optimal functioning."

"Just –" Joker pawed a hand at EDI and focused on Shepard. "You know Kaidan, Commander. The one day you misplace your halo and forget to put your wings on …"

"Hey. I wanted dating advice, I'd be calling a FTL radio station."

"Fine." Joker spun back to the console. "Don't say I didn't tell you." He muttered and started hitting keys.

EDI turned to Joker. "To optimize future interactions, when a conversation is initiated in my presence between you and another party, should I adjust default settings to observer mode?"

"Don't worry about it, EDI. The commander and I are done talking anyway."

XXX

Kaidan exhaled through his teeth and lowered the bar to his chest. He pressed it up again. James hovered overhead.

"Breaking a sweat there, Major? Want me to turn the grav down?"

Kaidan narrowed his eyes, his arms shaky. "Just spot me."

"Whatcha boys up to?" Shepard's voice.

Kaidan clanged the bar onto the bench's hooks and sat up. Sweat trickled down his back. The cargo bay echoed with Cortez pounding on the shuttle's undercarriage. Shepard threw a towel in Kaidan's face. He caught it.

"Has grease." He frowned and dropped it on the floor. "You grab that off one of the toolboxes?"

"There's a gym, you know." Shepard leaned against a crate.

"Lola, this is my bench. Your Alliance-issued clunker can't take the Vega. Need more kilos than that thing's got."

"You guys going to be ready to head planetside?" Shepard glanced between them. "ETA's two hours, then we're dropping, shower or no shower, jelly arms or no jelly arms."

"Jelly arms? Pah." James laughed. He thumbed down at Kaidan. "Maybe the Major here. You see this arm though, Lola?" He flexed. "Here's the other. See? Jelly? Nuh huh."

"Little shaky there, Kaidan." Shepard grinned at him. Kaidan's heart raced.

James tapped his shoulder. "Hard trying to keep up with the cool kid, huh, Viejo?"

"I could stick you to the ceiling with my mind, Vega." Kaidan twisted off the bench and stood. He stretched his back, biceps quivery. Maybe he was trying too hard to keep up with the kids.

"Two hours." Shepard pulled away from the crate and pointed between them. "See you down here at 1545, armored and energy bar-ed up."

"Ha. Aye, aye, Lola."

"I'm off to finish reports." Shepard turned then stopped. She pivoted back. "I think I'll take a shower first."

James's face scrunched. "Okay. Why you telling me? Wait …" He grinned and leaned an elbow on the weight bar. "That an invitation, Lola?"

"Not to you." Shepard's eyes slid to Kaidan. She spun away with a hop in her step and crossed to the elevator.

James's face whipped to Kaidan, eyes bulging. "The Commander just invite you up to take a shower with her? Like, for real?"

"Not what I heard." Kaidan pulled a clean towel off a chair. "Only heard her not inviting you."

"Yeah, but … She was implying."

"I wouldn't go off implied invitations when it comes to joining your CO in her shower." Kaidan looped the towel behind his neck and grinned.

James's eyes shifted between Kaidan and the elevator. "You going somewhere, Major? You didn't finish your reps."

"Got jelly arms. Can't keep up with the cool kid, remember?"

"Uh huh. Right. Right." James gripped the bench's bar and studied Kaidan with thinning eyes. "You ain't in your bunk half the time anymore. Been, like, every other night."

"Didn't know you watched me sleep, Vega. That ramps the insomnia up a few points." Kaidan snatched his Omni-Tool off the chair and checked the time. "Well, got reports. Better go shower."

"But where are you showering?" James lowered his voice and looked around. "Hombre, for real, you and Lola? You're not afraid of regs and getting caught or nothing?"

"Caught doing what?" Kaidan backed away. "Don't be a creeper and follow me, Vega. Bad enough you watch me sleep."

James gaped. Kaidan turned to the elevator and stifled a grin. He and Shepard weren't hiding anything. The war was too chaotic and consuming for the brass to care about broken regs on that level. It was the end of the galaxy. Nothing mattered in the scheme of things. Not anymore. Still, no reason to advertise the arrangement.

There was a reason for regs, even Kaidan had to admit it. Senior officers sleeping together, as an example, it showed a lawless disregard for rules and hierarchy, the foundation of military order. Accountability and order were already compromised on a larger scale in the war. That magnified the importance of reinforcing it on the smaller scale aboard a ship. Breaking one reg by the top officers unraveled all the regs down to the bottom. Hard to exert authority and demand correction when you're breaking rules yourself. Some rules are okay to be broken, but others aren't? It caused confusion, disorder, resentment. It was something as a staff lieutenant, he hadn't fully thought out. Now, as the senior officer, Shepard still his CO, it should have made upholding the frat regs more critical than ever. But breaking them was more critical from a personal level too. If not now, then there likely was a never.

It was best to keep it quiet. Sneaking and denying it would only create mistrust, amplify gossip and acting out. If he and Shepard were confident but not abrasive, subtle but not secretive, they may not see the consequences. Outside of that, work was work, on duty meant on duty. Senior officers needed to maintain a presence below deck even during off duty hours. He wasn't bivouacking outside her cabin door. The crew needed routine clean of conjecture and drama. As much as he could provide anyway without losing the chance to be happy himself.

Kaidan stepped onto the elevator and pressed the top button. James was still staring at him from across the cargo bay. The lieutenant should know enough not to gossip about it, but late night and alcohol could spread the whisper. The elevator doors slid shut.

Kaidan rolled his shoulders and stretched his neck. Oh well. All they could do was keep an organized and rational front. It was the end of the galaxy. Shepard was alive. He was alive. For this moment, this one point in time and space, something was right. He couldn't pass that by.

The elevator doors opened. Kaidan walked into the cabin and slung his towel against the wall. Water ran in the bathroom.

He swung around the corner. "Someone order room service?"

XXX

"Then, when I came back in, it was off 1.3 degrees." Garrus's mandibles clicked. He lay on his side under the battery canon.

Shepard hunched next to him. "1.3 degrees is significant?"

"It's the accumulation of deviations that becomes significant."

"So, at what point do I worry?"

"500 degrees, you'll get some ship rattling. 2,000 degrees, the canon couldn't even hit a planet. By planet, I'm talking gas giant dead ahead. Beam would go completely sideways. No use even having it."

"2,000 degrees? Hmm." Shepard hide a smirk and stood. "All right. Well, don't let it get around below decks about that 1.3 degrees. Don't need a panic on our hands."

"Good call, good call. Almost mentioned it at lunch too." Garrus nodded. He scooted out from under the metal drums. "The laser sync has been acting up too. Just got that calibrated. This can be next. Then the blast-back dampener. The insulator feedback reading's have been off. Those new self-targeting beacons on the WS96's … But, I'll get them done."

"Then you start over again?" Shepard asked.

Garrus stared at her. "Of course. Any targeting array system of this caliber needs constant fine-tuning."

"Beethoven's piano wasn't this fine-tuned, Garrus."

"A piano doesn't need to fight reapers."

"Touché."

Shepard helped him up. Garrus gathered his tools off the floor.

"These calibrations all require being in the main battery?" Shepard asked.

"More efficient."

"You don't want to work on it in engineering maybe?" Shepard leaned back against the wall.

Garrus paused grabbing a wrench under the canon drum. "Adams needs help calibrating something?"

"Adams isn't the only one in engineering." Shepard gave him a pointed look.

Garrus's mandibles clicked in the silence. He dropped the wrench in the tool box. "I think I know what you mean." He looked around his feet and picked up the last screwdriver. "The minute I saw those emission numbers …" He pointed the screwdriver at Shepard. "You want me to talk to Donnelly. He doesn't know you need to calibrate with a calibrated control first. You use the control, once it's calibrated with another control, to calibrate the actual emissions readings. In fact, the only certain way—I'll have to show him—but you really need to have a—"

"Garrus." Shepard slouched against the wall and let her arms hang limp. "Tali. I'm talking about Tali."

"Oh." Garrus turned the screwdriver around in his talons. "You know, Shepard, I saw her core efficiency input/output records. I have to say, the accuracy? Exquisite. Think you might have it wrong, you think she needs any pointers."

"_She _has it all wrong? _She _needs pointers?" Shepard laughed.

"No, no. You weren't listening. I said she _didn't _need pointers. I can comm her later though. Touch base if you're worried." Garrus slammed the tool box closed. "I think I'll wait a while. She seems flustered when I bother her."

"Oh, really?"

Garrus gave Shepard a suffering stare. "You heard about the chocolates? Who hasn't at this point? I ask her if she wants some chocolates, she gets all fussy. Still won't stop asking me about them."

"Maybe it's not about the chocolates, Garrus."

"Hmm." Garrus cocked his head. His eyes narrowed. "She was fixated on Dr. Michel being the source. Worried we're close. That's it then. Huh. All this time."

"Yes?" Shepard prompted.

"I didn't even think of it." Garrus shook his head at the floor. "Three years. Three years, Shepard."

"Are you really that surprised, Garrus?"

"Yes, yes, I am. Three years. Three years and she still blames Dr. Michel for Fist and the assassins."

Shepard's shoulders sagged. She pushed away from the wall. "Garrus, I give up."

"Perhaps if I talk to Tali. Tell her I've been speaking with Dr. Michel. Dr. Michel understands Tali's feelings and wants to resolve the tension between them. They can meet on the Citadel to work it out. Then just tell me how it goes. What was decided. Why are you looking at me like that, Shepard? This way, I never need to hear about the chocolates again."

Shepard couldn't find words.

Garrus nodded to himself. "Yes, yes, this could work. I'll call Dr. Michel tonight. Maybe I should start referring to her as Chloe. Makes her less intimidating and more approachable for Tali. Yes, I think this can work."

"Garrus," Shepard said. "I have no words. Good luck on your calibrations and … other things. I've done all I can. I'm off." Shepard spun on her heels to the door.

"Shepard," Garrus called. She stopped, and he took a step closer. "Noticed Kaidan's been chipper this week. You, too, by the way." Garrus pointed at her back. "Kaidan messes it up, you know I'm a good shot at 200 meters. He can't run that fast."

Shepard smirked over her shoulder at him. "Noticed that development, huh?"

Garrus shrugged. "I've been told I'm pretty observant."


	11. Chapter 11

"Shepard?" Liara said through the cabin's bathroom door.

Shepard dropped the scissors into the sink and spun around. "Liara, you're here. Good, good."

Shepard opened the bathroom door. Liara's eyes widened.

"Oh, Shepard."

"I know, I know." Shepard grimaced.

"Is this a human style? It's quite … irregular."

Shepard touched the choppy hair tickling her jaw. "It's not a style. I just need some help. You can see the back of my head better than I can."

Shepard snatched the scissors from the sink. Liara didn't move, her big blue eyes fixed on Shepard's hair.

Shepard held the scissors out to her. "Think you can fix this? I think there's a big chunk out in the back."

Liara took the scissors numbly. "Shepard, I don't know how to do this. I don't have hair."

"Oh." Shepard paused. "Huh. Didn't actually think of – Doesn't matter. You'll do fine." Shepard grabbed her wrist and dragged her into the bathroom.

"Shouldn't you have James or Kaidan, another human, do this?"

"James?" Shepard blurted. She laughed. "Kaidan? Hell no. They're not touching my hair. Neither of them."

"But why? Is it because they're male? Females do tend to have more elaborate hair presentations. Perhaps Traynor would be a better choice then."

"Nope. I thought of you." Shepard wheeled her desk chair to the bathroom mirror and sat. "Just even it out. Doesn't have to be fancy. I'm not going to the dog show."

Liara held the scissors up and tested clipping them. She met Shepard's eyes in the mirror. "This happened because you cut your own hair and are unpracticed?"

"Usually pay someone somewhere. Miranda did it once, so I thought I'd take a whack at it. Now, unsurprisingly, it's a whack job."

"A whack job?" Liara lifted a lock of Shepard's hair and touched the scissors to it. "You're sure? I could make it worse."

"I'm sure. Just do it."

Liara took a deep breath, cringed, and cut it. She held the cut hair up with big eyes. "Sorry, Shepard. I hope that didn't hurt much. I tried to be quick."

Shepard frowned. "I can't feel my hair, Liara."

"What do you mean?" Liara turned around, hair pinched in her fingers, and stopped over the waste bin. Shepard's earlier work – clumps of hair – peeked out of the tissue paper. Liara opened her fingers one by one and let the hair flutter down into the basket.

Shepard twisted and gripped the back of the chair. "It grows back. It's not sacred or anything. And, it doesn't have feeling."

Liara's forehead wrinkled. "That time with your helmet though. Your hair caught in the visor. You told Kaidan to stop pulling it. You seemed to be in pain when he tried to help."

"It hurts to be pulled, not cut."

Liara's frown deepened.

Shepard settled back in her chair. "Don't get hung up on it. Just keep going. You're doing great."

"How do you know? It's the back of your head."

Shepard ruffled the hair on the back of her head. "Feels great. All you need to do is make it straight."

Liara lifted another strand of hair. Her eyes scrunched. She cut it.

"Liara, seriously, this is not painful."

"I'm worried I'll pull your hair now. You were very upset when Kaidan did it."

"That wasn't why I was upset. I didn't ask for help to begin with. Pulling my hair just … that just capped it off."

"Capped what off?"

"Groundside. He got out of cover, threw Reave at that banshee. Nearly killed himself. Nearly killed me! My heart stopped."

"Kaidan's an experienced soldier." Liara held Shepard's eyes in the mirror. "He must have had a reason."

Shepard grumbled and motioned for Liara to continue cutting. Liara sprinkled the cut hair in the garbage and turned back with the scissors.

"You won't tell me the reason?" Liara asked.

"Reason! If it was a good one, I'd tell you. Since it's not … If I don't ask for help, I don't need help. It comes all the way back to my hair caught in the helmet. I didn't ask for help." Shepard hesitated then added, "And, that banshee wasn't bearing down on me. Had a good five meters still. I didn't need Kaidan slapping a bull's eye on his chest and throwing pebbles at her back."

Liara cut the next lock of hair with a smooth clip. "I'm surprised you're already unhappy with him. It's only been a few weeks."

"A few weeks since what?" Shepard glowered at Liara's reflection. "Everyone knows?"

"I am the Shadow Broker." Liara straightened and met Shepard's eyes in the mirror. "I knew what he planned to ask you a week before he did it. Knew each almost-attempt. Each time he backed down."

"Really?" Shepard ran her tongue along her teeth in thought. "His admission did feel a little practiced."

"It was. Extensively."

Shepard laughed. A flush of blood warmed her face. "How do you know? Even if you're the Shadow Broker, you're not reading minds yet, right?"

"He wrote it and rewrote it, muttered it aloud. It may be flattering to know, it went through several revisions. But, I liked the one he settled on. Simple, honest, straight-forward. I agreed with him. If he didn't want a vague answer, he shouldn't ask a vague question."

"You spied on him?"

"Glyph monitors and filters surveillance data well beyond the confines of the Normandy. But, the Normandy too. He drew my attention to it." Liara bent level with Shepard's face and cut the jagged strands tickling Shepard's neck. "Kaidan was nervous you didn't care about him that way. I knew his fears were unfounded. I'm glad you're both happy." Her voice was light, but strained. Her brow knitted. She worked faster with the scissors.

Shepard watched the gentle way Liara smoothed her hair after each cut. Her fingers lingered on Shepard's skin with each stroke. Shepard cleared her throat. "Thanks for helping me with this."

"Of course. I still don't understand why you thought of me, but I'm glad you did."

"I was getting worried I'd be called downstairs or have someone show up at my door before you got here." Shepard waved at her hair. "Kaidan would tease me forever. Probably take a picture before I wrestled his Omni-Tool from him. Garrus, James, any of them – they wouldn't let me live this down. Even Tali or EDI. With them, everyone would know. And I like Traynor, but – I don't know – I don't want her to see me like this."

"You knew I wouldn't tell anyone."

"I knew you wouldn't give me a hard time over it."

"There." Liara stood away, scissors held to her shoulder, and met Shepard's eyes. "Is it better?"

Shepard stood, grabbed the rim of the sink, and turned her head back and forth. It wasn't anything you'd see on the vids or in a magazine, but it was back to regulation. And she no longer looked like she'd been sucked into a spinning propeller.

Shepard grinned. "You're a natural with hair, Liara."

"I don't know about that." Liara rested the scissors on the edge of the sink.

Shepard turned. "Thanks, Liara. You know the real reason I thought of you? It's reflexive, I think. Something personal and a little, uh, embarrassing, I guess. You're always safe. If I feel uncertain, I always have Kaidan, but I have you too."

Liara ducked her head with a small smile. "If I had hair to cut poorly, I'd want you to fix mine too."

"Aw. Thanks." Shepard chuckled.

Shepard walked her to the door and watched it slide shut. She'd call on Liara to fix a bad hair day anytime. More than that though, Liara was a constant. She'd call on Liara to fix any bad day and Liara would.

XXX

"I didn't know you could get more sketchy than the lower wards." Kaidan glanced around them. "I was wrong."

Ramshackle storefronts with cage-bound windows lined the corridor. The hunched over forms in the side corridors were either vagrants or dead bodies. Either seemed likely. The low ceiling and crisscrossing passageways gave the Citadel Underground a rat tunnel feel.

There were more broken-out corridor lights than illuminating ones. Kaidan wasn't sure that was a bad thing. It might be a blessing he couldn't see what they were walking through. Shepard strode with a confidence Kaidan envied. She didn't even flinch when she stepped on something squishy.

"Well," Shepard allowed, "I wouldn't say my favorite store on the Citadel is here, but it has a certain grungy charm."

"I'm going to need a flea bath."

Shepard elbowed him. "Hey. This store really does have the U-57 Kodiak, you're in for an all-night celebration."

"Over a model ship? Bordering on fetish there, Shepard."

Shepard kicked a tin can out of their way. It panged off a dark building. A batarian lifted his head from his concealed Omni-Tool screen. He sneered at them and flashed his Brimstone V heavy pistol, illegally modded, and then hunched deeper over his screen. Gangs of vorcha watched them from a bar across the way.

"Hey, come on." Shepard leaned into him and whispered. "This has to be better than that starchy meeting that took four hours of our life."

"The hours of our life are appreciating in value," Kaidan agreed.

"I found my own entertainment though."

"Yeah, I know." Kaidan pulled her out of the way of a group of mixed species mercs. Judging by the way they bumbled against each other and sang different songs, they were on something.

"You had me going," Shepard said. "I think I tapped Admiral Hart's boots sweeping the floor for your feet. And, you, holding them up the whole time …"

"There were four admirals at that table, Shepard." Even now, Kaidan could see Admiral Hart's sweaty, pink face, jowls wiggling, watching them out of the corner of his eye.

"Table wasn't glass. How'd they know if I played footsies with you? You were brushing our elbows together."

"Yeah, because the chairs were mashed together. I elbowed you as much as I did Hackett."

Shepard pursed her lips. "Solid strategy. Indiscriminate flirt, it camouflages the real target."

"What? I resent that." Kaidan folded his arms. "I really did think Admiral Hart's eyes were beautiful tonight."

Shepard laughed and bumped him sideways. A leaking pipe overhead made them skirt the wall. They stepped over spilled trash cans. A sewage smell hit them in the face from the side corridors. Shepard pulled Kaidan back into the street clear of the goopy puddle behind them.

"What do you think Hackett would do if he knew? About us, I mean," Shepard said. "They wouldn't court martial us with the war. Think he'd transfer you?"

"In a heartbeat." Kaidan smiled lopsidedly at her. "He thinks I should be leading my own team. Probably worry fraternization will cause disorder on the ship. Worry about bad decisions in the field. The Normandy's missions are high-stakes, dangerous, central to the war effort. He wouldn't want them compromised in any way."

"Hmm." Shepard frowned and chewed her lip.

Two krogan pounded on a shop keeper's door. The 'go away' from inside only excited redoubled effort. They gave Shepard and Kaidan squinty eyed grins that gleamed with yellow teeth. The krogan stared at them until Shepard and Kaidan had passed, then they turned back to the store.

Kaidan chuckled. "Entertaining place if you're hard up on credits and feeling bored."

"Probably more entertaining if they think you have credits."

Kaidan grinned. He leaned into her ear as if to whisper, but his voice came out in a boom. "Don't go flashing that lottery ticket around. Not in these parts."

Shepard smiled wickedly. She glanced around and leaned in closer to him.

"And you forgot your gun too?" she boomed back.

"Don't need a gun. I fight better after twelve drinks." Kaidan staggered against her.

"Hey, sober up." Shepard popped his back. "Heard your daddy's getting real tired of paying all your ransoms."

Kaidan squinted at her. "Hey, wait. Did I see your poster outside C-Sec? Something about dead or alive with lots of zeros."

"That's another Black-Eyed Cutthroat Bonnie. Common name."

"Yeah, knew a couple classmates who went by that."

Shepard looked around them. Her expression fell. "Nothing."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at the darkness ahead. Two vorcha sat on a garbage can picking their teeth.

Kaidan put a hand on Shepard's shoulders and cleared his throat. "And then, I pushed him off the ledge. But not before he gave me the last piece of the map." Kaidan patted his chest pocket.

"And you're sure anyone can enter and get this for you? Not just the pure of heart."

"The darker the heart, the better," Kaidan said.

A vorcha stood fangs bared. Shepard's back straightened. Kaidan's hand fell away, and Shepard's fingers twitched with a blue spark. The vorcha lunged. It grabbed a half-full bottle of booze laying sideways on the ground. The second vorcha raised its spiky head, snatched the nearest weapon - a chewed-up spatula - and rushed at the first vorcha's bottle. It looked almost like a slap fight, but with claws and a spatula.

"Maybe we should walk around with a six pack of beer," Kaidan said.

"Next time, Pepe. Next time. Let's keep moving."

"Pepe?" Kaidan snorted but fell in beside her.

"Yeah. Come on, you wouldn't want to beat up someone named Pepe?"

"A name isn't usually the deciding factor in who I beat up." Kaidan paused. "Well, unless it's being applied to my mom, then I guess the name's a factor."

Shepard laughed. "We're getting nothing down here. Probably find my U-57 and _then_ get mugged."

"I won't let the street riffraff run off with your model ship."

"I'm thinking more of the box getting stained in all their blood or dog-eared from a tug-o-war."

"Just gives a collectable character."

Shepard nodded sagely. She smiled up at him. "You got me a U-57 Kodiak, remember?"

Kaidan grabbed her hand. "Of course I remember."

Shepard lifted their hands clasped together. "Not worried about being discovered and transferred?"

Kaidan shrugged and interlocked their fingers. "I figure someone sees us down here, it'll be a mutual blackmail sort of situation."

Shepard pulled her hand out of his grasp and slid it around his waist instead. She rested her temple against his shoulder. "Oh, Pepe."

Kaidan pulled her tighter to his side. "Oh, Cutthroat Bonnie, you have the prettiest black eyes I've ever seen. You give Admiral Hart a run for his money."

Shepard's smile made him smile wider.

"Shop's up ahead," Shepard said. She kneaded her fingers into his side. "Not so bad down here, right? Even without a fight."

"It's growing on me." Kaidan pressed a kiss into her hair. "If you think a four-hour meeting with Alliance brass was a time sink, just wait until the Normandy's decontamination cycle."

"If we angle away from the camera are you gonna let me play footsie with you?"

"I'll let you play footsie with me in front of the camera. Make Joker blush."

"Daring." Shepard snuggled against him. "Now, let's get me that U-57."


	12. Chapter 12

Kaidan sauntered through her cabin door. Shepard lowered her datapad and spun her chair around.

"That was fast." Shepard grinned. "I've seen dogs come to a whistle slower."

"Don't know if I like that analogy," Kaidan said. "This for work or a booty call? Say it's not work."

"I just wanted to see you." She tossed the datapad on her desk.

"Hmm. That can't be true." Kaidan strolled to her desk and waved a hand in front of a cracked picture frame. His face lit up the screen. "If you only wanted to see me, well …"

"I didn't say how much of you I wanted to see." Shepard lifted an eyebrow and slouched back in her chair. She crossed her legs.

"Done. I'm seduced. Let's slide everything off the desk. Which ear do you want nibbled on first?"

Shepard glanced back at her desk. "My datapads are scattered exactly how I like them."

"And we can scatter them exactly how you like them on the floor."

"This from the guy who was climbing air vents and chatting up Adams while I tried to drag him to bed."

"You never said where we were going."

Shepard gave him a flat look. At her elbow, Kaidan's face glowed in the frame. She nodded down at it. "I see you're still pleased with what you found in the drawer."

"I'm always pleased with what I find in your drawers." Kaidan eyed her sideways and gave a sly smile. "Desk drawers. Don't be uncouth. I see that look, Shepard."

"Dirty jokes, Kaidan? You've come a long way from your decalf-einated days." Shepard tapped the picture frame. "You know, your dread enemy Cerberus gave this to me."

Kaidan gave a limp shrug and squinted at her hamster through the glass. "Reapers are the dread enemy. Cerberus is my mortal enemy."

Shepard smirked. She rested her head back on the chair and swiveled back and forth watching him. Kaidan pressed his fingers to the glass cage. The hamster peeked out his igloo and scented the air with his pink nose. Having Kaidan with her, seeing him whenever she wanted, it still felt unreal. But at the same time, she couldn't imagine life any other way. He'd be mortified if he knew Liara told her about the serialized revisions of his speech at Apollo's. Her chest swelled with warmth.

Kaidan's eyes flicked down to the picture at Shepard's elbow. He met her eyes with a soft smile. "I must have pissed you off good to put a crack in my head."

Shepard drew a deep breath but forced a smile. "And you? Is there some cracked picture of me laying forgotten in a drawer?"

"No." Kaidan wandered to the fish tank and leaned back on his hands against the glass. "All I had of you were pictures. Memories. I met you on Horizon, it only made me hold them closer. Worried you'd taint them."

"By being an imposter? Ruining the good 'Commander Shepard' name?"

"Or worse." Kaidan watched her. His eyes reflected the light of the fish tank.

"Worse?" Shepard said. "Worse than being an indoctrinated sleeper agent?"

"Yeah."

Kaidan frowned at the floor, and Shepard waited. Silence grew between them.

"If it was you," Kaidan said finally, "then everything I'd told myself – two and a half years – was a lie. What kept me going, your vision for the galaxy and our connection, it was never real."

Shepard stood. "Kaidan, that was real. You really thought that?"

Kaidan's voice tightened. "Cerberus kills Alliance soldiers, sabotages, kidnaps, murders senselessly, has no ethical boundaries, no accountability. They stand against what you stood for. What I wanted you to stand for. I couldn't … After Horizon, after I wrote you, it felt like you gave up on the Alliance. Felt like you gave up on me." He looked up.

"Gave up on you?"

"I tried to tell you on Horizon what I'd gone through, how much I had cared for you, but you dismissed it. I know I lashed back. I wished I hadn't. But then, when I wrote you, tried to explain and apologize – nothing. You talked to Garrus, Tali, Liara, Anderson. You cut me off. On Horizon you told me not to focus on old wounds, then invited me to go AWOL, join the cause for 'old times' sake. But when you failed to recruit me, I meant nothing. Not even a reply telling me to piss off. An answer like that, at least, I would have mattered enough to make you angry, to make you feel something. Instead, I was forgotten." He knotted his arms, breathing fast, and looked her in the eye.

Shepard flushed. Her own breathing picking up pace. Venom rose up her throat, but fizzled on her tongue. Hurt reflected in his eyes. She swallowed the sharp words and eased her breathing.

"Kaidan, look." She reached for him then thought better of it. She dropped her hand, but he caught it. His arms unfolded, and he stepped away from the fish tank. "Kaidan, I understand it felt like I didn't care. But I do care. It was because I cared I tried to think of you, not myself. I did hear you on Horizon. I know my death hurt you, but two years was a long way to drag you back. You were doing well. I didn't want to ruin that. Moving on was better for you. That's why I didn't write you back."

Kaidan gazed down at their hands clasped together. He nodded not lifting his eyes.

"You know, I'm glad you're here now, though, right?" Shepard ducked her head to catch his eyes.

He lifted his face. A smile twitched into place. "Yeah." He drew her closer. "You know, I trust you, right? I know you did what you needed to fight the reapers."

"We're all good?" Shepard asked. "Is this always going to be there?"

"No." He wrapped his arms around her and laid his cheek on her head. "I love you. You don't know how much I wished for this. After everything, I'm grateful you still care."

Shepard breathed in the clean smell of his soap. His skin had its own scent, something like fresh air infused with pine. His chest was warm. Each breath from his mouth tickled the hair on her forehead.

"Your dirty joke from earlier?" Shepard murmured. "I approve."

"Figured." He chuckled and rubbed her arm in a soothing rhythm, up and down. "You know, on Noveria, I had thirty seconds between seeing the sign and the camera clicking. Had to load the gun fast. Something with a quick punch line. It was literally the only joke I could think of at that moment."

"Fumbled around in your armory of jokes and spun around with a squirt gun?"

"Served its purpose. The real joke was me. I was okay with that. Worth three days of mega-screens flashing your donkey laugh."

"Donkey laugh?" Shepard shoved him away. "You've got it somewhere. That picture. Holding out for something you really want before blackmailing me with it?"

Kaidan lifted his Omni-Tool. The holoscreen image made her cringe.

"Damn. It's worse than I remember. And, oh nice – ha! – I do have hair in my mouth. Lovely."

Kaidan laughed and snapped the screen down.

"You found that pretty fast," Shepard said. "Got it on shortcut?"

"It's a favorite. Won't lie." Kaidan put his hands on his hips. "It's a good memory. Ash was there."

Shepard grinned. "Yeah. It was good, even if you had snow in your boots."

"Yep." Kaidan smiled brightly. "You know, I have better jokes. A lion's chasing you on a horse. You look over, see a giraffe …"

Shepard hooked him under the elbow and pulled him to the stairs. "Plagiarist. Thought your head was splitting. Said you wouldn't remember."

"You did say I could use it." He came down the steps behind her. "Here's one: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"

"Come here." Shepard dropped his arm and hopped onto the bed.

Kaidan pounced down beside her. "What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?"

"What happened to wanting to be a booty call?"

"Wrong. A condescending con descending."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I can see I started something. Let's start something else." She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him on top of her.

"I feel like I have to prove myself." Kaidan kissed her and sat up on his palms. "I submitted ten puns to a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did."

Shepard grabbed him by the back of the head. "I'm never more aggravated than by you."

"Doubt that. Are we trading jokes now?"

He crushed his mouth to her lips and sank onto his elbows. She slid her arms around his neck. It was so easy with him. Even the teasing tests of her patience was something she had come to anticipate. Next time she called him up here, she'd turn the tables. See how well he teased when she greeted him wearing a smile and nothing else.

His breath burned her cheek. Blood roared in her veins. Nothing made her feel better than being with him. His fingers traced her throat and across her collar bone. She shivered. His lips pulled back in a grin. Smug no doubt. She shoved his shoulder to flip him over, shift the power balance a little, but he dropped his mouth to her neck. His tongue was soft. Her body contracted, and she melted back into the pillow. She tore at the buttons of his uniform.

Who was she kidding? Turning the tables and one-upping his teasing? It would be failure at launch. Patience wasn't a virtue she wanted to perfect with practice. Not with him anyway.


	13. Chapter 13

Engineering buzzed around them. The floor vibrated in the slight in-and-out rhythm of the core. The proximity of eezo lifted hair up the back of Kaidan's neck.

"There." Kaidan smiled at Tali. He dangled an Omni-Tool across the workbench to her. "Installation was a little messy. Defreged the trioptic disc first, reformatted the block size, re-sequentialized the load order. The allocation algorithms were corrupted, so I used the Silver Letter Accelerator. Other than that, upgraded platter rotation, command queing, and data density. Loaded the higher capacity HDT with a smaller range of cylinders."

Tali turned on the Omni-tool's screen. "Partitioning looks good. Swap files reinstalled. You had to remove them?"

"Yeah. Linux reallocator mod kept skipping. To make it contiguous, had to reinstall. Shadow copies reloaded all right."

"What about this one?" Tali leaned over.

Kaidan looked at the screen. "What's wrong with that one?"

"Look at the allocation units."

Kaidan concentrated on it with a frown. "Looks fine to me."

"Maybe if I just …" Tali punched through a series of prompts and put the screen back in front of him. "There. Hidden in the—"

"Dammit. Didn't even think about that."

"It's okay. I think I can work around backward compatibility barriers and use the new Linux Refit Processing mod to fix it."

"You don't have to redo the whole fit-back, will you?"

"It'll be easy."

They'd been at it for hours: repurposing, upgrading, and modding a cache of Omni-Tools he and Tali scrounged from groundside missions. Refugees were flooding the Citadel, and the Normandy frequently ran across other survivors, mostly holding their life together by a thread. Frequently their Omni-Tools were broken or lost in the confusion of evacuation. Higher end models, Tali and Kaidan scrubbed and returned to the Alliance. These lower-end, more out of date models, like the Linux II, were perfect for civilians hit hard by the war.

It wasn't an official duty, maybe not a duty at all, but it was something energizing and interesting to do in the downtime. It kept his head in a better space. The scratched-up Omni-Tool in his hand could be everything to someone when it was fixed. A civilian could comm her family again, tell them she was all right. The 'Tool could provide light at night in a powerless colony. People could watch the news again. Even though most of it was bad, it was better than feeling cut off. They could escape: watch movies, play games, listen to their favorite songs again, see pictures of loved ones and happier times stored on extranet servers.

Kaidan scooted closer to Tali and watched her work through the backward compatibility barriers. Tali was a whiz with the various models and their round about tricks. She knew the oldest to the newest models, had techniques and apps she'd invented herself. He'd learned a lot the last few weeks sitting at their workbench in engineering going through the collection box. He knew the ins and outs of all the newer, combat-focused Omni-Tools, but Tali? She knew everything.

Tali shut off the screen and held up the Omni-Tool. "See."

"How did you rewrite it without going back?"

"I'll send you my retrograde adapting kit. Modding app I made." Then she added with a casual air. "Probably need to scale it down for the Logic Arrest though."

"True." Kaidan said just as casually and turned the Linux over in his hands. "I am short on room. Having effective shield enhancement programs takes space."

"You just overclock the Nexus's microframe."

"That's what you keep saying."

Tali twisted and looked around the room. "Where did Adams go?'

They were alone in the engine core. Kaidan wasn't even sure when Adam's voice had disappeared in the background.

"He was telling Javik about the Tantalus core last I saw," Kaidan said. "Maybe he followed Javik out."

"Adams seemed dedicated to impressing him."

"Javik seemed dedicated to being unimpressed." Kaidan spilled Omni-Tool parts out on the table. "If Adams told Javik the Tantalus core could transport through time, Javik would still look bored."

"You don't think he'd want to go back to his people?"

Kaidan paused digging through the circuit chips. "Didn't think of that. Has to be hard being here with us knowing his loved ones died fifty thousand years ago. Makes me wish the Tantalus core could send him back."

"At least, for now, we get to be with our loved ones." Tali pulled over some circuit chips and helped sort. "How's Shepard?"

"Stressed and frustrated. Focused. Irreverent and headstrong as ever."

"And you and Shepard?"

Kaidan's face heated, and he grinned. "Uh, good."

Tali leaned into him. "Am I supposed to pretend I don't know?"

Kaidan glanced around the silent room pulsing with eezo and blinking buttons. "I know everyone knows. It's just, with the Alliance crew, it's better to not flaunt breaking regs. Trying to keep it under the radar. Mostly."

"I'm glad you're happy." Tali stared down at her stack of circuit chips. She had stopped on one chip, turning it over and over in her hands. "It's good you found someone. There's not a lot of time left to be with the person you care about."

Kaidan sorted the chips silently watching her from the corner of his eye. "It's never too late."

"I suppose." Tali sighed, shoulders drooping.

Kaidan pushed his chips to the side and turned to her. "Sometimes you just have to tell the person you care about how you feel."

Tali rotated the chip in her fingertips. "That person might like someone else."

"Maybe," Kaidan allowed. "Maybe not though. All you can do is ask. A lot better than always wondering."

Tali sighed again. She put the chip on one of the stacks. "I don't know. It might just ruin what's there."

Kaidan frowned at the table. "Yeah, I can see that worry, I guess. But I think if someone confessed their feelings to me and I didn't want it, once past the initial awkwardness, we could be friends again like before. It's got to be harder on the person who gets turned down than the one flattered by the interest. And you have your answer. You can move on if you want, or at least, stop tormenting yourself trying to figure it out."

Tali sat quietly for a moment. "Did you tell Shepard how you felt? You just came out and said it like that?"

"Yeah. It was terrifying. A lot more suave in my head, but the outcome was better than I imagined."

Tali rocked back in her seat. "I don't know, Kaidan. Everything's so serious now. Heavy. Say the only time it's not, you're with this person. You joke, laugh, it feels like being safe. If that becomes serious, too, then …"

"It can be serious without acting serious." Kaidan folded his hands on the table and shrugged. "If you're that way as friends, maybe it's a little more serious to be more, but it's not like a complete reformatting. It's just some upgrades and mods thrown on top."

"Installation could be messy."

"If you're good friends, there's always the backup copy. You can uninstall and revert back to the pre-upgrade save. Like I said, the basic infrastructure's already there. You like that, then just reformat using the same algorithm. It's simultaneous processing of a complementary program."

"If there's catastrophic system failure?"

"Probably have to reload the whole operating system, go back to default settings. But with time, if you keep processes contiguous and commit allocation units, it can bounce back. And, anyway, catastrophic system failure is pretty rare with solid infrastructure. I mean, I had one, but there were some back up files. Now the system works pretty damn well."

The metal floor popped behind him. "What are you guys talking about?"

Kaidan jumped. "Shepard."

"Pretty focused." Shepard leaned forward on her palms and looked around the worktable. "What's the conversation?"

"Omni-Tools." Tali snatched the Linux off the table.

"System compatibility and value of upgrading," Kaidan said.

"Sounds like a tactic to spare sleeping pills." Shepard pushed off the table. "You off duty, Kaidan?"

"You're my CO. You tell me." When Shepard gave him a flat look, he grinned. "Yes, of course. When I'm on duty, I'm usually above deck doing said duty, not playing around with Omni-Tools."

"Well, good. I'm off duty too." Shepard scrapped a chair out from under the table and sat between them. "Hey there, Tali. Didn't mean to ignore you. Guess I could heckle you over your schedule too. Make you feel included."

"Why heckle me?" Kaidan asked.

"So, I could do this." Shepard looped a hand around his arm and rested her face against his shoulder. "Commander and Major are off duty. Just three good friends hanging out."

Kaidan covered her hand on his bicep and kissed her forehead. "If Donnelly comes in, don't knock your chair over scrambling away from me."

"I don't know. I'm pretty tired." Shepard yawned. "Might just loop my other arm around Tali. Holding you both, he can sort that one out. I'm close with friends. That, or I'm not a three-is-company type of person. The more the merrier."

"You are tired. You're rambling." Kaidan laughed. "Either way, when Donnelly finds joke material, it won't matter how true it is or isn't. You're going to regret giving him anything."

"I could kick his ass with my feet tied behind my back. I'll tell him that, my ass kicking joke, first. Doesn't matter how true it is or isn't, it'll scare him." Shepard hugged Kaidan's arm tighter.

Kaidan grinned. He settled his cheek against the top of her head and let his heart slow to a strong, steady beat.

Shepard smiled over at Tali. "Haven't talked to you for a bit. What's new?"

Tali's eyes blinked through the colored mask watching them. "I've been thinking about asking for a system upgrade."

XXX

"No!" Shepard lurched upright in bed.

Her heart thundered. She was in her cabin. This was the Normandy not a forest of shadows. Bubbles from the fish tank slowly replaced the echo of dead whispers. Sweat drenched the front of her tank top. She kicked off the covers and rushed to the bathroom.

A facefull of cold water did nothing to wash the memory away. It hung on her like a physical weight. Ash's voice, Mordin's, Legion's. So many dead voices. With a shaky hand, Shepard leaned against the fish tank. The cold bed stared back at her from the darkness at the bottom of the steps.

Shepard paced. Minutes passed, then an hour. Acid churned in her stomach. Everytime she started down the steps to her bed, her feet caught. She needed to sleep. It was starting to catch up with her, but the idea of bare branches and mist chilled her blood.

She found herself pacing next to her desk again. She wrung her hands and glanced at cabin's door. She should just do it. Do it before the resolve left her. The other option was a night checking expense reports and replying to Alliance intelligence about activity off Iconus. The morning would be greeted with bloodshot eyes and caffeine. She greeted too many mornings that way already.

Shepard stared at the picture on the corner of the desk. She should just do it. One more minute and she'd lose the will to try. Shepard shot to the door.

She stepped off the elevator onto the crew deck. The dim light of night cycle cast a greenish tint on the walls. It was silent. No voices or silverware scraped in the mess. Everyone was asleep and the midnight skeleton crew was in the CIC on duty.

Shepard slank past the memorial wall and stopped at the door to the officers' bunks. The door was shut. Shepard hesitated. This could end up causing a scene if she didn't do it right. She'd come this far though. Dragging herself back up the elevator and returning to her dark room was the sobering alternative.

The door swooshed open, and Shepard slipped inside. The hallway cast a long, pale light down the center of the room. She waited. No bedsprings or whispered confusion. There was only a steady chorus of alternating snores.

The door slid shut. The room dropped into darkness. Her eyes needed to adjusted. With a blind hand, she shuffled along the row of bunks. One, two, three. Third row. Here. It should be here.

Shepard guided herself around the bunk's corner and dropped down on her heels. Hesitantly she put a hand out feeling for something solid. Her fingertips touched skin. Energy tickled up her arm and hair lifted on the back of her neck. It was him. The vibrant aura of his biotics confirmed it. Her heart slowed with its nostalgic warmth. She relaxed her fingers and shaped his bare shoulder.

Her eyes started to adjust and a dim outline formed. His face was turned into the pillow. A sheet rose and fell in a steady rhythm on his chest. He looked peaceful, and except for the staticky activation of his biotic, she may have believed it.

Shepard glanced around the dark room and drew a deep breath. This could go horribly wrong. He could scream or fall off the bunk. He could flare and send furniture skidding across the floor. If caught, she'd need to come up with a story on the fly. No one would buy it, and it would fuel ship gossip for months. Kaidan would be mortified. This had to go right. Shepard rested her mouth on his ear.

"Kaidan."

Nothing. Shepard slipped her fingers into his hair. She waited in case he might stir then tried again.

"Kaidan."

Static exploded through the air. He jerked upright and air burst from his lungs. Shepard caught his head from hitting the upper bunk.

"Kaidan," she whispered. "It's me."

His chest billowed. His fists bunched the sheet, and veins strained out of the corded muscles up his arm. He blinked dazed. The white in his eyes gleamed in the thin light. Shepard edged closer to the mattress.

She kept her voice low. "Come on. Let's go."

She tipped her head toward the hall. He eyes whipped to the door. He launched to his feet knocking into her, ripped something out of a duffle bag, and raced to the door. He stumbled over something, but kept going. The door opened, and his shadow vanished into the hallway.

Shepard teetered, bracing herself with one hand, and frowned at the door. That was abrupt. She gathered her bearing and dug under the bunk until her fingers found fabric. The scent of laundry soap poofed in her face. She ran her fingers over the material then tucked it under her arm. Kaidan would make his old drill sergeant proud. The fabric was ironed and folded with tape-measured precision and uniformity.

A couple of snores hiccuped. Someone grumbled groggily and mattresses creaked as a few shadows rolled over. Shepard waited for the snores to fall into a percolating rhythm then she crept to the door.

She closed it behind her. "Kaidan?"

He was gone. Light spilled from the open elevator, and a shadow shifted on the opposite wall. He popped his head out, squinty-eyed like a woken kitten, his hair in disarray. Shepard smiled The weight in her chest lifted. He held the elevator door with one hand.

"Kaidan." Shepard chuckled and neared the elevator. She looked him up and down. "Where do you think you're off to?"

He frowned. His hair swayed with static like the successful target of a bully's relentless nooging. The T-shirt he'd snared from his duffle bag was on backward with the tag at his throat. His feet were bare. The slight sway in his posture spoke of rising too quickly. A furrow deepened between his eyes, and her heart tugged.

"Did I scare you?" she asked.

"What's happening? Let's go. Get in."

That was it then. Damn, now she felt guilty.

"Ah. You think we're going groundside, don't you? I woke you up to get armored?" She stepped into the elevator.

"You didn't?"

He let the door close. His eyes dropped to the bundle under her arm.

"Oh." He reached for it, but Shepard took a step back.

"Uh, uh, uh. This is for later."

"Later?" Kaidan said. "Let me dress now. I don't care if Joker's watching. Is someone aboard? Or the QEC? Hackett? The Council?"

Shepard pulled the clothes away from his fingers again. "Hey. You'll be giving Joker a striptease for no reason." She pressed the button for her cabin.

Kaidan squinted at the button with a bleary-eyed concentration. "Did you-Did you … Wait. What? Oh."

"Oh," Shepard echoed.

The tension bleed from his shoulders, but his eyes stayed on the button. Shelard pressed up to him. Damn he was adorable with bleary eyes and that knit brow. She wrapped an arm around his neck and kissed his lips. The elevator door opened to the landing outside her cabin, and she drew him by the hand through the door.

"Welcome," she said and flapped his uniform down on the desk.

"You forgot my boots," he said.

"Imagine the scandal." Shepard grinned into his face then hooked his elbow. She towed him to her bed.

"Hmm. I need to wake up more." Kaidan rubbed his eyes with the heel of a hand and blinked at the sleepiness.

"You don't need to wake up." Shepard gave his hand a soft tug and fell back on the mattress. "Just come here."

Kaidan glanced back at the bathroom. "I should brush my teeth first."

"Just lay here. Please." Shepard patted the sheets next to her.

Kaidan shrugged. He slung his T-shirt over his head and toppled into bed. Shepard wrapped her arms around his chest and buried her face in the crook of his neck.

Kaidan hesitated then gathered her closer. "What's the matter?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Oh." Kaidan squeezed her to his chest. "Same nightmare?"

"What nightmare?" Shepard said. Silence stretched, and she sighed against his skin. "Yes."

He stroked the hair back from her face and nestled her head under his chin. "It's not real."

"I know it's just a dream," Shepard said testily.

"I mean, the part that bothers you. That isn't real."

"Destruction, death, loss. It's real, Kaidan."

"You're worried about failing. You won't."

"I came back from the dead, but I'm not a deity."

"You beat the reapers before with Saren and the Collectors. You've united eternal enemies, krogan and turians, quarian and geth. You're not a deity, but you're the closest thing to it for many people. Have a fraction of their faith in you - my faith in you - and the nightmares won't mean much in the daylight."

"Faith in myself?" Shepard repeated flatly. "All my life, do you know how many people told me I had too much faith in myself?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah, I can see that. But they were wrong."

Her muscles relaxed. She pressed her lips to his neck imagining the pulse beating under his skin. The smell of his skin warmed her lungs. The darkness weighting her core eased away. Her eyelids grew heavy.

"Thanks for coming up," she whispered.

Kaidan settled back into the mattress with a sigh. "Thanks for thinking of me."

"Damndest thing. Can't stop, even when I try."

"I know the affliction well."

Shepard laughed and closed her eyes. "Sweet dreams."

"Being awake's better, but I'll try."

Shepard grinned. "Sap."

"Says the person waking me up to cuddle."


	14. Chapter 14

Security scanners flared over Kaidan's body. Two guards nodded him through into the Normandy's conference room. Ahead, the war room buzzed with activity. Kaidan peeked through the doorway. Across the war room, the QEC stood dark and silent. That confirmed it then. He'd looked everywhere else that was public. This was intentional.

Officers in the war room noticed him and saluted. Kaidan saluted them back then drew away from the door. Now his suspicions were confirmed, he'd need to get creative. His eyes fell on the ladder in the corner of the conference room. That felt right.

He didn't use the ladder rungs and dropped straight down into the processing core. His boots clomped onto the metal floor, and he braced himself against a wall of blinking buttons and clicking monitor feeds. Shepard sat in the corner on the floor. The orange glow of her Omni-Tool revealed a scowl.

"Huh. Imagine meeting you here." Kaidan picked his way around the control boxes and exposed wiring.

The room fell into darkness with a click. Shepard's Omni-Tool had turned off. Kaidan paused and switched on his own light.

"I already saw you. Little late to hide in the dark, Shepard."

"It occur to you, I'm down here to not see anyone?"

"Did cross my mind." He crouched next to her. "Hey, think the commanding officer should really be hiding in the autoprocessing control room?"

"I'm off duty. I have my Omni-Tool. There's EDI. Anyone can reach me."

"Right." Kaidan slid down beside her and thumped his back against the wall. He rested his elbows on his knees. "Control room's beautiful this time of night cycle. Look at all those buttons."

Shepard groaned. "Kaidan …"

"Hey." Kaidan put an arm around her, but she shied away.

"It's not you," Shepard added quickly but put her palm up to stem any more attempts to touch her. "I just want to be alone."

"Could have hidden in your cabin. It's not like I'm the wolf outside a straw house. You can tell me to go away."

"I didn't want to have the conversation. I just want …" She gave a ragged sigh and looked him in the eye. "I'm sorry. I want to be alone."

Kaidan studied her then shrugged. "Maybe _I _don't want to be alone."

"What?" Shepard sputtered. "Go – I don't know – have a drink with Joker or Vega. Cortez, Chakwas, Traynor, do something with them. Get wasted. We all should."

Kaidan picked up a bottle of krogan liquor by her knee. Half full. Not ryncol, thank God. "I want to be with _you_. Not Vega, Joker, Donnelly, or anyone else. You're drinking alone down here in the dark. On Christmas. Don't tell me that's what you really want."

"This is what I've done every Christmas for fifteen years. We all like our family traditions." Shepard ripped the bottle away from him and took a long slurp. She punctuated it with a satisfied sigh and emphatic glare. "Ah. Tradition."

"Hell, Shepard. My throat burned just watching that." He pulled the bottle away from her, took a gulp, and squinted as it flamed down into his stomach. "Yep. That's strong. Tell me this wasn't full."

"I just got down here and you dropped in. Give me that."

"Ah ah." Kaidan lifted it away from her with one hand, but she rose on her knees and grasped after it. He pulled her down by the elbow. "Come on. Let's talk before you get too absorbed in your Christmas tradition."

"Dammit, Kaidan." She shoved his hand away. "You've got something else coming you think this ends well for you. I'll blacklist you."

"Blacklist me?" Kaidan stretched the bottle further from her hands. He slid it across the floor, liquor sloshing against the glass.

"Oh. You're blacklisted." Shepard stared at the bottle with a smoldering frown. "Blacklisted from my cabin."

"Yeah? We'll see how long that lasts."

"What?" Shepard hissed and stared him hard in the face. "You doubt I can resist sampling your charms, hmm? I have a private cabin. I'll sample my own charms. No 'you' needed."

Kaidan laughed. He reached an arm around her again, but she scooted further down the wall.

"Ah, come on." He grinned. "Are we really fighting about this? I want to spend time with you on Christmas, time you're not drunk, and you're threatening me with that? I don't care if you follow through and banish me. I just want to talk to you. For a moment. Then you can drown in alcohol and wallow in misery to your heart's content. Deal?"

"I don't wallow in misery." Shepard folded her arms and gave him a pinning stare. "Fine. Go. Talk. Sing me a Christmas carol and magically make everything merry and gay. Half of humanity's dead. Just more eggnog for the rest of us."

"This," Kaidan waved at her, "it isn't about the war."

"Oh, it isn't? Cause trillions are dying. Little hard to be singing and stuffing turkeys. And I'm pretty sure the Normandy doesn't have a chimney. Things I've done, I'm inked in on the coal list anyway."

"I know you miss your family."

Shepard's expression hardened. "What?"

"Hey." He scooted around to face her. "I miss mine too. I hope they're all right, but I don't know. A lot, maybe most, Christmases I've been deployed, but I never had a Christmas I didn't see them on comm. Know they were safe. I'll never have Christmas with my dad again." Kaidan motioned at the bottle against the far wall. "I get wanting to replace that feeling with something. But I don't want that for you. I think you should have another tradition."

"Like what?" Shepard said sourly, but her eyes softened.

"Like …" Kaidan pulled a datapad out of his pocket. It lit up. "I got you something."

Shepard sat up higher. "I didn't get you anything. I didn't know – I don't need anything."

"Well, damn, the only reason I got this for you was to get something back in return." He grinned. "It's not a returnable gift. You'll just have to take it. It's too customized to swap into my gift exchange with Vega."

"I don't want anything. You really think a gift will make me feel better? That's sweet, but …"

Kaidan contemplated for a moment turning the datapad over in his fingertips. "I considered a model ship. Couldn't find one you didn't already have. Maybe a fish, but then you have so many."

"I have everything I want or need."

"Hmm." Kaidan forced a smile. "Like I said, no use returning it. So here."

He pushed the datapad into her hands. Shepard stared down at it.

"To clarify." Shepard glanced up. "You're not, uh, giving me a datapad?"

"No. I'm not 'uh, giving you a datapad.' It's something else. Look."

She eyed him then hesitantly turned on the screen. He waited. Her brow pinched, breath tightening, and her spine went rigid. Her eyes snapped up to Kaidan's face.

"How?"

"I told you my biotics team connected with him. I know going through Hackett and Alliance channels means everything is official. With the bouys down and the interference around Earth, it's hard enough just getting updates on the invasion, let alone strategize and coordinate efforts. I know there isn't a place for personal things. Commander Uptograph talked to Anderson himself. He relayed it back to me as a favor."

"It's …" Shepard licked her lips, knuckles whitening on the datapad. "When did he write this?"

"Two weeks ago."

"Even with all the war prep? Directing the resistance? He had time for …"

"He always has time for you, Shepard." Kaidan put a hand on her knee. "He told me once you were like his own kid. I thought he might have something to say to you. For Christmas, but more than that too. Something personal, not just where to move pins on the map. And, he did."

"Anderson wrote me?" Shepard repeated. She put a hand over her mouth and stared down at the screen. "Kaidan …"

"Write him back. I don't know how long it will take getting it to him. It's in and out trying to reach my team, and I know communication isn't easy even between factions in the same region, but it'll get there. Eventually. Uptograph will make sure."

"Kaidan." Shepard looked up with a wavering gaze and bit her lip. "Thanks."

"Not a Christmas carol, but it's better than celebrating with a bottle." Kaidan squeezed her leg and started to stand. "Well, let me know if you get tired of your self-charms."

"Wait!" Shepard snagged his sleeve. "Wait, uh, hey. I have something for you too."

Kaidan frowned. This wasn't about guilting favors. He wasn't sure what it would be, but there were some things he never wanted as a guilted favor.

"Shepard …"

"Sit down." Shepard yanked on his arm.

Kaidan lowered himself hesitantly. "You know I was joking, right? About giving you that and expecting something back?"

"What if it's something I was going to give you anyway?"

"Still …" This wasn't doing much to abate his concern.

She grabbed his Omni-Tool hand roughly, arched an eyebrow, and switched on the screen. With a flick, she pulled up the screen on her own 'Tool and held them together. She was transferring something. The tension eased in his ribs.

"You think you know me, huh?" Shepard smirked, eyes reading over his face.

"Well …"

"Yeah, you do. You drop into my burrow and call me out for drinking alone. Say it's not about the war, because it's not." Her smile softened. "I know you, too, though. We might joke about those things being favors, but I know it would bother if it was. Just a favor."

"Those things?"

"Hm. I know what you were thinking." Shepard looked down at their Omni-Tools and clicked hers off. "There. A proper gift. Rip and tear. See what I gave you."

Kaidan held her gaze for a second then looked down. "Text files? You bought me a book?"

Shepard rolled her eyes and leaned in next to him. "Look JPEGs too."

"Comic book?"

Shepard elbowed him. "Stop being obnoxious." She clicked one of the text files. Lines filled the screen, and Kaidan's heart slowed. Words stared back at him. Words he hadn't seen in three years. "It's …"

"From the SR-1," Shepard filled in. "You said your Omni-Tool broke on Alchera forcing your way out the escape pod. The door was sealed with frost and dented in, and you slammed against it too hard."

Kaidan rolled his lips together and dropped his eyes back to the screen. He scrolled down the page of text. It was intra-ship comm records. A record of their back and forths, his and Shepard's, when they were first getting to know each other, words lost years ago. For so long he'd laid alone in the dark trying to remember them. As the years passed by, the messages had faded away in memory just like the conversations they'd shared aloud. The more he strained to hold on to them, the more the memories frayed from overuse and too much handling. Now here they were: the forgotten words.

Some of it was nonsense and most of it probably work related, but it was here. Everything they'd said to each other in the message system. Here were the nights when he'd crawl halfway into his sleeper pod and remembered something to tease her about.

"_Hope you're not haunted tonight by the ghost of that monkey."_

He has sent it, one foot in the pod and waited for the snarky reply. She didn't disappoint.

"_I remember right, someone was on ladar. Could have warned me. Expect a visit from the monkey spirit yourself, Alenko."_

There was the time he sat outside Udina's office as Udina roared at her and Anderson. Kaidan's Omni-Tool had pinged: Shepard wondering if Udina was wearing lifts in his shoes today.

"_Swear I used to glare into his forehead. Now it's his nose."_

_"You're wearing flat boots today, Commander."_

_"Liked the idea better of Udina wearing stilts in his shoes."_

There were times they'd be sitting in the mess at lunch. Ash and Wrex would be arguing guns.

"_Credits are on Ash winning this one. Whatcha you think, Alenko?" _

"_How's the winner even determined?" _

_"It's the one that DOESN'T pound the table and storm off."_

Kaidan stared at the dates and conversations. "This goes …"

"All the way back." Shepard scooted closer until their arms and thighs were flush against each other. She touched the screen and scrolled to the top. "First one: 'We're dropping in ten, LT. Get Jenkins. Meet me in the hold.'"

Air clotted in Kaidan's throat. "How do you have these? After losing my 'Tool data, there was only what was backed up on Alliance servers. The Normandy's intra-communication log didn't cross over."

"This is from my old Omni-Tool. Miranda gave it to me. And these." Shepard punched up one of the photo files. An image flashed of Ash and Shepard sitting on either side of him at a bar, beer bottles in hand, and laughing. It felt like a lifetime ago and yesterday all at once.

"These photos were saved to my extranet personal space," Shepard said. "Two years dead though. Guess the data space got repurposed. Everything was gone when I woke up. But then, there it was on my old Omni-Tool." She paused and smiled into his eyes. "In the end, I got everything back. And not just old memories." She touched his face and traced her thumb to the corner of his lips. The longer their eyes held, the brighter her smile grew.

"Thank you," he said.

"Merry Christmas, Kaidan."

"Merry Christmas, Shepard." He kissed her softly. He forced himself not to linger and pushed himself to his feet. He put a hand down. "Let's go. We have another family, of sorts, celebrating in the lounge. I'm pretty sure Donnelly was spiking the eggnog when I left, and you should have seen Vega. Singing 'Silver Bells' with every-other-word-Spanish. Adam was insisting on reciting 'The Night Before Christmas.' Traynor was insisting he doesn't. And Chakwas's menorah was making Cortez fret about the fire sensors."

"And Joker?"

"Trying to explain to EDI why lying to children about Santa Clause isn't immoral."

Shepard chuckled. The datapad by her knee lit up, and she pulled it into her lap. She gave Kaidan a lopsided smile.

"You want to read that first," he said.

"Save me a seat."

"Always do." He stooped, kissed her lips again, then moved to the ladder.

Shepard hunched over the datapad but her eyes were on Kaidan. "Glad you're back, Kaidan. Best Christmas I've had in years."

"Best Christmas I've had in years. Two years." Kaidan grabbed a rung on the ladder. "Glad _you're_ back, Shepard."


	15. Chapter 15

"Come on in, Major. Pick a chair." Shepard leaned back against the shuttle.

Kaidan stood outside the ring of folding chairs. The cargo bay lights gave his frown extra shadow. He crossed his arms.

"Why aren't we in the war room?" he asked.

"That is where we normally debrief," Tali agreed.

She and Garrus were already seated. Three empty chairs remained for the other members of the ground team. James always ran a little late inventorying the armory after a groundside mission.

"Thought I'd mix it up." Shepard shrugged. "Take a seat. Any seat."

Kaidan stared at the three empty chairs for a long moment.

"I'll stand," he decided.

"I insist," Shepard said.

"No, I insist," Kaidan said.

Garrus glanced between them. Tali tugged on his sleeve.

"What's going on?"

"Human thing maybe?" Garrus said. "No idea."

"Major Alenko, please take a seat," Shepard said with pointed firmness.

"You're ordering me to take a seat?" Kaidan scoffed.

"Hmm. Some cultural etiquette perhaps." Garrus put an elbow on the back of Tali's chair. "Once saw two humans at a door. Clogged the dock entrance arguing over who should go first. Apparently, it's polite to let another go first. Ironic. Each trying to outdo the other in politeness, they were very rude to everyone else just wanting to catch their shuttle."

"I don't know," Tali said. "I don't think this is about politeness."

"With Shepard? Probably right," Garrus agreed.

Shepard folded her fingers and studied her nails. She flicked a glance up at Kaidan. "Refusing a direct order?"

"An order?" Kaidan muttered. "Unbelievable."

He marched to the nearest chair. Shepard lowered her fist with straightening posture and watched. Kaidan stopped by the chair and hesitated.

"Fire up the mariachi band." James strutted around the corner of a freight container. "Start the Fiesta. James Vega has arrived."

He passed Garrus and Tali and dropped into the chair by Kaidan. James looked up at him.

"What? You wantin' to sit here or something."

Kaidan tested the legs of James's chair with his boot. The only reaction was James's scrunching face. No wobble.

"Nevermind," Kaidan said.

"Want me to turn on some music to help you decide?" Shepard said. "Two spots left, pick one."

"Something's weird here." James looked between them. "Got a little power struggle going on, Lola? This between senior officers or between …"

Shepard shot him a look.

"What? I left it a dot-dot-dot."

Garrus looked past Tali at James. "You're human, and you don't understand this?"

"Not sure what this is," James said.

"It's not about politeness," Tali said firmly.

"You're holding up the debriefing," Shepard said. She went to the nearest empty chair, grabbed the back of it, and lifted an eyebrow at Kaidan. "You don't want to sit first? Make a choice?"

"Go ahead."

"Okay." Shepard dropped onto the seat, a solid landing. No wobble. "Tick tock, Alenko. James's cards won't play themselves. I'm sure Garrus has calibrations to do."

Garrus checked his Omni-Tool. "V759 field stabilizer is already off by half a percent."

"What about me?" Tali said. "I have things to do too. I was going to look at resyncing the emission gauge with the recycler feed."

"See, Kaidan, you're even holding up Tali's resyncing. Now, stop hovering and sit."

Kaidan moved over the last empty chair and grabbed the back. Shepard made a show of checking the time on her Omni-Tool. She sighed. All the eyes in the room weighed on him. Kaidan shoved the chair away and shot across the cargo bay.

"Where's he going?" James asked.

"Kaidan?" Shepard twisted in her chair with a growl. "Where the hell are you …"

A stack of folding chairs leaned against the wall by the armory. Kaidan snared the top chair. He tapped it down in the circle next to Shepard. A smile played on his lips. He eyed her with smugness.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just sit."

Kaidan lowered himself slowly onto the seat. James's eyebrows bunched together watching him. Garrus and Tali shared a look. Kaidan settled his weight. The chair creaked. It wobbled forward.

"Dammit!"

Shepard hid the grin behind her hand and cleared her throat. "Let's start with plus, minus, delta. Vega, you provided reconniance, kick it off."

Kaidan frowned sideways at Shepard. His chair groaned and tilted as he redistributed his weight.

"Did it even matter which chair I chose?" he said under his breath. "You boobytraped all of them?"

"Just that one," Shepard said to the side. She let a smile strain deep into her cheeks. "I knew you'd get a new chair. And I knew you'd think that was clever enough in itself, you'd take the top one in the stack."

"Questionable use of time."

"Hey. I've improved, right? Your ass isn't on the ground."

"You deserve a standing ovation. Too bad I've been ordered to sit." He eyed her then gave her shoulder a testing tap.

"Seeing if my chair wobbles?" Shepard chuckled. "It's only your chair."

They listened to James's rundown for a few minutes.

"I can't believe you ordered me," Kaidan said under his breath and clicked his tongue. "Fraternization and folding chairs. Knew it was a bad combo the first time."

"Anyone even listening?" James sighed.

"Sorry, Vega." Shepard cleared her throat and refocused. "Continue. Alenko, will be paying attention too." She patted Kaidan's shoulder with a heavy hand. His chair wobbled with each word. "That -was - so - dis - re - spect - full."

"Dammit," Kaidan hissed through his teeth.

Garrus turned to Tali. "Humans are so odd."

XXX

"Joker!" Shepard raised a gin and tonic his direction. Strobe lights filtered through the crystal tumbler in her hand as she came down the stairs.

"Hey, Commander."

Purgatory pulsed around them. Shepard had to raise her voice to be heard over the base.

"Can I sit here?"

"What?" Joker leaned forward.

"Can I … Nevermind." Shepard flopped down next to him on the velvet couch. Beside each other now, she could be heard without screaming. "How's it going, Joker? Where's EDI?"

Joker nodded toward the dance floor. Pink lights flared through the curling mist and jigrating bodies.

"Someone hitting on your girl?" Shepard squinted. "Looks like a big guy."

"That shadow doesn't ring any bells? Only lumbered behind you with a rifle the last few months."

"James?" Shepard chuckled. "Didn't lose EDI in a bet, did you?"

"Uh, don't exactly own her title and registration to pawn for chips, Commander. My hot, sexy robot girlfriend who speaks dirty ship navigation protocol - think I'd trade that?"

"You do seem pretty smitten." Shepard sipped her drink.

"What about you?" Joker glanced around them. "You lose yours in a bet?"

"My hot, sexy robot girlfriend? Must have, 'cause I don't have one."

"Your hot, sexy robot boyfriend."

"Robot, huh? Considering your tastes, not sure that's an insult or a compliment."

"Eh, you know." Joker shrugged. "Kaidan's all right, I guess. Stick up his ass is more a willow branch lately. That's good."

Shepard grinned and put her glass on the table. "You've come to terms with it, I take it?"

"What? You and Kaidan?" Joker avoided her eye and adjusted his cap. "Yeah, guess so or whatever. I think he knows Garrus can take his head off with one shot, so …"

"Hola!" James laughed knocking around the chairs and falling onto the couch next to her. "Lola, didn't expect you here."

"Your electronic itinerary indicates the council hearing to still be in session." EDI sat on the armrest by Joker.

"Got out early. Meaning, I left when no one was looking. It's my shore leave. Maybe the last one."

James grinned at Shepard. "You needa unbutton your collar, Lola. Untuck your shirt or somethin'. You got the privates over by the bar standing at attention."

Shepard followed James's eyes. "Ah. Guess navy blues don't meet dress code for a Purgatory rave."

"A rave is an organized dance party," EDI said. "What is meant by 'organized' is ambiguous. This dancing, though organized by location within the club, is by other definitions unorganized. Seventy-two minutes of observation has not yielded a predictable pattern. Inebriation is frequently a confounding factor in data acquisition. It randomizes action choices."

"Don't even bother, EDI." Joker motioned at the dance floor. "Consider it a step below ballet, step above closing time."

"By closing time, you assume a positive correlation between compounding ethanol exposure and deterioration in dance skill. From review of previous data points, this seems probable."

"We're the only people in Purgatory discussing datapoints and ballet." James put his arm on the back of the couch.

"What do you want to talk about, James?" Shepard said. "Girls, poker, and assault rifles?"

"Ha ha. Yeah, Lola, sounds 'bout right. What about her? That blonde chica by the bar? Caliente. She's either checking me out or the hot robot babe."

"You see anyone not staring at the hot robot babe?" Joker asked.

"Ooh, look over there, Lola. The privates are beating it to the door. Scared 'em off." James laughed, He craned his neck getting a better angle on the bar and presumably the blonde. "Whoo. Look at them piernas."

Joker strained to see. "Am I looking up or down?"

"Piernas means legs, Jeff."

"Go talk to her, James." Shepard settled deeper into the couch. "Afraid to be shot down by someone actually ogling EDI's piernas?"

"Pah. Lola, you just - Yo! What do we have here? Hala!"

"That another blonde sitting down by her?" Joker asked.

"Ay caramba!" James shot to his feet. "Twins! I love twins."

"Uh, one of them's evil," Joker said.

"Hope they both are." James rubbed his hands. "Adios. Holy damn! Twins. Always dreamed about having twins."

James sauntered to the bar. The girls followed him with their eyes, lips curving up, and whispering. James made a sign to the bartender and leaned on the bar. Whatever he said made the girls laugh.

Joker smirked at Shepard. "Guess we know what James was thinking when he saw your clone."

"The breeding advantage is unclear," EDI said. "Unless genetically superior, the procreational opportunity of identical twins is redundant. Selecting two dissimilar sexual partners would provide a wider selection of traits and maximize success of at least one offspring surpassing its competition."

"EDI," Shepard pointed at her, "those are my thoughts exactly. Tell James this next time he's around."

"I should tell him now. Practical application can be most immediate at this point."

Joker grabbed her arm. "I don't think procreation's the goal here, EDI."

"Theoretically, every organic operates in a manner to maximize lifetime reproductive success."

"That organic doesn't. Trust me."

"Very well, Jeff. Perhaps to maximize your own reproductive success, you are limiting your competition by inhibiting me educating another human male."

"I'm dating a robot, EDI."

"This does contradict theories on the underlying motive in organic behavior patterns."

"Look, I don't want babies, I'm in lo- Well, look over there. People are still dancing." Joker scratched the back of his head and cast Shepard a twitchy sideways glance. He fidgeted with his beer bottle. "So, uh, where is Kaidan or whatever? You never said."

"Kaidan or whatever?" Shepard rested her feet on the table in front of them. "Not exactly his scene."

"Right. Lights and stuff. It makes him go all wash-cloth-on-the-forehead?"

"Little bit more serious than that, but yeah."

"While serving on the Normandy, Major Alenko's vital signs have shown significant improvement from baseline. Though a retrospective comparator is unavailable, improvement in vital signs is likely to indicate decreased frequency of migraine exacerbations."

"Let's not talk about Major Alenko's vital signs," Joker said. "Little too many ways that could veer into awkward."

"Jeff is satisfied with Major Alenko's conduct toward you. We have discussed it on several occasions."

"Uh …" Joker crossed and uncrossed his arms sloshing beer in his bottle. "Don't need to repeat that stuff, EDI. But, yeah, sure, fine. Like I said, glad you guys … you know, whatever. Made up."

EDI focused on Shepard. "Your oxytocin levels have been averaging several standard deviations higher than expected for non stressful conditions. As you are under a level of stress certain to impact mental coping abilities, this is an exceptional finding. It indicates comfort through intense attachment and emotional bonding."

Shepard shifted. She sneaked a glance at Joker. He looked stubbornly up at the strobe lights and rolled his beer around the bottom of the bottle.

Shepard cleared her throat. "Well, glad to know my oxytocin's exceptional."

"Your endorphins also indicate-"

"So, uh, look there," Joker said in a rush. "James is gone. And the twins. Bad breeding choices, am I right?"

EDI's head rotated to the bar and back. "From vocal reaction and eye contact readings, I have concluded discussing breeding habits is only welcome when the crowd is inebriated. It also seems discussing hormone levels may cause discomfort."

"Nah, EDI, it's cool. It's just ..." Joker hesitated then sighed. "You know, I'll just say it. I'm glad he's making you happy. You deserve that. I mean, we all do, but you really do. And Kaidan … Guess he pulled it together. You two seem happy. Good for you, Commander. Sorry about the stuff I said. Earlier. That STAT flight report or whatever."

Shepard's smile pulled into her cheeks. "I'm glad for you too, Joker. And you, EDI. You might not have oxytocin levels, but I know you care for Jeff. Glad we can all find a little bit of happiness before … well, for now."

"Yeah." Joker scratched under his baseball cap then looked around. "Another beer? Or five?"

"Let's prove some of EDI's observational correlations correct." Shepard motioned to the waiter. "Five you say?"


	16. Chapter 16

Shepard strolled around Anderson's – her – apartment. So quiet after the party the night before. She stopped at the window. Skycars whizzed by, neon signs blinked, and pedestrians shoved around each other going opposite directions. The lounge across the street was having a party on the balcony. An asari dancer writhed on the table only wearing strings and a patch of metallic faux-leather. Judging by the human male being clapped on the back and the asari's generous attention, it was a bachelor's party.

Everyone was rushing to enjoy their last days alive. There was probably a run on the embassy with humans getting married, not wanting to die alone. Shepard didn't blame them really. Easy to attribute those heightened, panic-fueled emotions to true love. Easier than admit desperation and fear. Shepard turned away.

The dishwasher was emptied. The dishes were even back in the right cupboards. Traynor's generously-curried hors d'oeuvres were sealed in Tupperware in the fridge. Tupperware Shepard didn't even know Anderson had. The kitchen counters could cut down on utility bills they shined so bright. Not a speck of dried sauce or skimming of crumbs. Their vinegar-clean smell tickled her nose. The trash had a fresh liner, the rugs were straightened, and the couches were pushed back into place with the proper throw pillows. Stemware too fragile for the dishwasher sparkled on the shelf behind the wet bar. Shepard was half surprised the liquor hadn't been alphabetized.

The whole time she'd been at the casino with Miranda drinking Neapolitans and throwing dice, Kaidan had been busting his ass getting his clean on. The upstairs' soap dispensers even looked topped off. The toothpaste splatter on the bathroom mirror? Erased. Not even a streak. Her bedsheets were tucked so tight and geometrically precise, she'd need a boxcutter to get into bed.

She and Kaidan had radically different definitions of 'pick up a few things.' Despite his Mary Poppins-level clean, Shepard had never considered Kaidan this compulsively clean. Clean, but not operating room clean.

Shepard's feet slowed trotting down the stairway. She hadn't realized it until now, but the hamster cage in her cabin was clean. It had been smelling. Smelling bad. She'd gotten to the point of reading her datapad on the couch and avoiding the desk altogether. The night before reaching the Citadel, though, she'd sat at the desk. She had typed up her mission summary, no gagging or cursing the furry pest for being organic. The cage must have been cleaned. The hamster was a Class A mooch, too lazy to run his wheel half the time. No way he took out his own trash. It had to be Kaidan.

Her mind spun. What else did he do that she didn't even realize? She never replaced the energy bars in her night stand. The datapad she'd hurtled across the room after the council meeting? She assumed her memory exaggerated the power of her throw. She found it on her desk the next day, no cracks and the load up screen came up without a hitch. Her hurricane IV always had a fresh clip. She hadn't polished her armor in months. Never needed it. The malware on her terminal had self-cured. She remembered Kaidan frowning over her shoulder at that one. It was him. It was all him. Shepard threw herself down on the couch.

She didn't know whether to be annoyed or pity him. She hadn't seen him outside the context of military life. He could be the sort of person who was too eager, too helpful, too desperately kind to not be misused: the door mat, the person who tried too hard. The one you asked to parties just so he'd clean up after. A sad image. Shepard settled back and flicked on the TV. He was too nice to everyone. It was an opening for manipulation. She'd need to discuss it with him, and that was that. But he wasn't polishing Garrus's armor.

Shepard bit her lip. When James tried sweet talking Kaidan into fetching him a MRE, he told James to get some cardio in and get it himself. Kaidan called Joker's bunk disgusting and wondered if the sheets just disintegrated what he'd do then. He hadn't changed Joker's sheets or even tucked them in to remove the eyesore. Kaidan had fixed Liara's Omni-Tool, but she had asked him to do it. He hadn't had some superhuman epiphany she was struggling with it. No, Kaidan wasn't the type to be tricked into doing someone's chores. He did them for her, because it was her.

It wasn't just chores he helped her with now she thought about it. A week ago three Alliance rear admirals had boarded the Normandy for an impromptu tour. Kaidan had showed them around and reviewed mission summaries with them. A relief. When Joker gave her the one-minute warning they'd arrived, she had cursed. Kaidan had put a hand on her shoulder. _Don't worry about it. I've got it._

Shepard snapped off the TV and looked around the apartment. Light faded outside the window to the slow drip of a faucet and the hollow echo of empty rooms. The party howled and laughed across the skywalk. She had Omni-Tool messages and pending invitations from friends, but the gloom had leached into her. There was only one person she wanted to see.

The whooping party cries made her pause. Desperation in the final days was about filling this lonely void inside with love and affirmation. She wasn't good at giving those things. Kaidan gave them so easily. If he was trying to earn comfort and support in return, it was a poor investment. She not only hadn't appreciated all he did, she hadn't even recognized it. It was one-way.

Shadows danced on the floor from passing skycars. That fear and heartache outside her window was self-focused. It gave only to get back. This, though, with her only taking and him giving so much and so quietly? It wasn't desperation and emptiness in the final days driving him, it really was … A lump grew in her throat. He'd said it enough, but it really wasn't just wishful thinking and fantasizing reality. It was real.

She had never put into words all he meant to her. Voicing it aloud didn't seem important. Actions spoke louder than words. Then again, she wasn't saying much by action either. She hadn't even thought of this Christmas being the first without his dad. Every day she teased him, gave raunchy compliments, said in an off-the-cuff way she was glad he was aboard. But she didn't say anything meaningful or transparently sincere. She didn't reassure him about how special he was to her. For every hundred of his sweet words or gestures of encouragement, she gave one, if that. She was too focused on herself, too focused on each new goal and the mission. She was taking him for granted.

He needed to know how she felt about him. Her palms sweated. Once she said it, it couldn't be taken back though. She'd be forced to continue saying it long after she realized it was only transient butterflies or loneliness. His face stared at her from the party picture on the wall. No, she was lying to herself. She loved him. If it was transient, it was lasting a long time.

Just three words. Her heart pounded. They scared her more than hearing the scream of a banshee. She'd only said them to her parents. Perhaps she never would work up to saying them aloud. She could at least say them in action.

She shot to her feet. She would do something for him, something together. He'd made her dinner when he came over before. He wanted quiet time, to slow down, have alone time with her. Then it was 'no' to the casino or a karaoke bar. No to any place on the flashing walkways of the strip. It was quiet here though. The apartment was private and relaxing. She pulled up the comm on her Omni-Tool and scrolled to his name.

XXX

"Hey." Kaidan slipped through the front door to her apartment. "Everything all right?"

"Yep." Shepard hopped over the back of the couch. "I didn't pull you away from something life or death, did I?"

"Eh. The CPR wasn't working anyway." He walked toward her. "No, I was at the Spectre range. You tried that M-11 Suppressor yet? Thing packs a hell of a punch. Only thing left of the target was a puff of confetti and a swinging hook."

Shepard threw her arms around his neck. "I missed you."

A line deepened between Kaidan's eyes, but he wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her back. "I missed you too."

"Guess what?" Shepard turned her mouth to his ear. "I made dinner."

"Thought I smelled something. Pizza?"

"The recipe is made of numbers. It's an Arcturus delicacy."

Kaidan laughed and smoothed a hand down her hair. "What about a Mindoir delicacy?"

"I don't think you want to eat that many ears of corn. Plus, the recipe has words, and I'd have to boil water." She dragged him by the hand into the kitchen. "And, look – ta da – Canadian club whiskey."

"Really?" Kaidan surged forward and grabbed the bottle off the counter. "It really is. Where'd you – do you want something from me? You're never getting that Noveria picture back. Anything else, you only have to ask."

Shepard leaned her elbows on the counter. "You like? I had to flash my celebrity around for that. I wandered through the liquor stores saying, 'Anything Canadian with alcohol content, here's my credit chip. Load me up.'"

Kaidan smiled and set the whiskey bottle down. "Really, though? What's the occasion?"

"Celebrating the present." Shepard passed around him and threw open the pizza box on the island. "Pizza, alcohol, and ice cream - the foods of _my_ people. What? We die young."

"Ice cream too? Is it chocolate chip mint?"

"Well …" Shepard threw open the freezer door. "Lookie there. It is."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. "What do you want from me? Because, seriously, that Noveria picture is saved so many places, I don't even remember all of them."

"I don't want anything." Shepard scoffed and swatted his arm. "Want to eat on the coffee table?"

"Both of us? I think it'll break."

Shepard gave him a long look then grabbed the pizza box. "_At_ the coffee table. Bring the whiskey."

"Cups, too, or are we really free-styling it?"

"Surprise me. Which coffee table do we want?"

"Your turn. Surprise me." Kaidan snatched the bottle off the counter and followed her.

She ushered him around the fireplace into the TV living room. The screen glowed with the party picture from the night before. Kaidan gazed at it a second with a soft smile, then flopped down on the couch.

"Are we watching something?" he asked.

"Only if you want."

"Only if I want …" Kaidan twisted off the top of the whiskey bottle. "Dead serious, Shepard, what's up? You hear some bad news from the front?"

"This isn't a last meal. Stop being so suspicious." She shoved his shoulder and sat down beside him. She reached for the whiskey bottle then drew her hand back.

"Here." He tossed the cap on the table and held the bottle out to her.

"I bought it for you. You get first draw."

Kaidan frowned. He tapped the bottle down next to the pizza box and rotated on the couch to face her. "Did Dr. Chakwas give you some bad health news about me or something? You can't tell me this isn't suspicious."

"Did Dr. Chakwas -" Shepard snapped to face him. Her heart pounded. "What would she – Is there something you need to tell me, Kaidan?"

"Now who's paranoid? No, of course not. I'm fine. This is just so … Well, I guess, I won't worry about it. Let's eat your Arcturus delicacy and help skew the longevity data." He reached for the pizza.

Shepard caught his wrist. She drew it into her lap and faced him on the couch. "Kaidan, I want you to know – I just mean to say: I, uh … I …" A slight smile played on his lips, his eyes soft. Her voice weakened. "I … I … I really …" The words strangled in her throat. "I care about you so much. I hope you know that." It wasn't what she'd meant to say.

Kaidan chuckled and cupped the side of her face. "I know that. You mean everything to me. If you really want the Noveria picture, I'd probably even give it to you." His smile brightened, and he kissed her mouth. He lingered long enough that she snatched after him when he pulled back.

"Pizza's getting cold," he said.

Shepard settled against him with her heart beating fast. It felt nice making him happy rather than worrying about what it implied of herself that she wanted to make him happy. He handed her a piece of pizza on a paper towel and sat back. He slid his arm around her shoulders.

"What's on the agenda?" he asked.

"After dessert, we'll have ice cream," Shepard said. "Then after ice cream, we'll have dessert again. Then I have a planned activity."

"Normally, the 'planned activity' would be suggestive, but since you mentioned dessert, which is more suggestive … I am curious."

"Well, you like competition, right?"

"Bet I like it more than you do." He took a bite of his pizza.

Shepard chewed her pizza with a tired look. "You're competing with me over who likes competition more?"

"I said it first."

Shepard slapped his chest with the back of her hand.

"Hey, don't get pizza grease on me," Kaidan laughed. "I gave you a paper towel you know. Sorry I skipped the tutorial."

"You're such a brat." She wiped her hands on the paper towel and threw it at his face.

He knocked it away with a crackle of biotic energy. "Now you don't have a paper towel. And you still have a piece of pizza. That's not a good ratio for you. Look at your arms."

She did have grease running down her wrists. "Anyway, as I was saying, before you turned my competition comment into a competition, I was digging around Anderson's closet. I found a board game."

"Is it twister?"

"We don't need a board for that. No. It's something I've never heard of. Has little choking hazard pieces and dice. Has a booklet of directions you can reference against me the whole game. It'll be fun."

"Can we roll the dice biotically?"

"That question's just a gateway to your loophole cheating, Kaidan. So, no. I will let you move your pawn around the board biotically. That fair?"

"And your pawn?"

"You're not touching my pawn." Shepard poked his side for emphasis. "You're premeditating your cheating right now."

"You know I wouldn't really, really cheat, right? I'm just messing with you. I don't want to win anything underhandedly."

"Yeah, I know." Shepard pushed the last bit of crust in her mouth. She made a show of ripping off a paper towel and wiping herself down. Then she fell against him and wrapped an arm around his chest.

"You really think grease got down your cleavage?" Kaidan asked.

"How should I know? Just being thorough."

"When did the agenda have dessert?"

Shepard looked up at him. "Whenever you want. It's your night."


	17. Chapter 17

Kaidan's eyes slit open. The fish tank rippled light around the room. It outlined a shadow. A shadow leaning over him.

"What's happening?" Kaidan's eyes flashed open.

Shepard froze. Her hands hovered over his face. "Oh, uh. Hey there."

"What are you doing?"

"I was just – Oh, nothing." Shepard drew back.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. Her grin had a curling, pressed-lipped quality that reminded him of the cartoon grinch. She flicked on her Omni-Tool, and he knew his suspicion was right. He put a hand up and blocked the camera flash.

"What the hell?" He sat up. Then he felt it. "What's in my hair?"

He lifted his hand, but Shepard caught his elbow. "Just go slow."

"What?" Kaidan hissed. She didn't answer, just released his arm and took a step back. Kaidan held her gaze and raised a hand slowly into his hair. Fur. Something moved. "What? No. Is that your hamster?"

"Go slow. Don't scare him."

"Get him out. I think he's burrowing in."

"Into your scalp? Oh, come on."

"Into my hair. Nesting."

Shepard sat on the edge of the bed and smiled. "What? You don't want to go on duty with a hamster on your head?"

"I don't want a hamster on my head when I'm _off_ duty."

"Afraid it'll affect your image?"

"If it didn't, I should be more worried about my image." He felt down into his hair, but Shepard caught his arm again. "Shepard, really? I can feel him setting up camp."

"Oh, fine." Shepard moved Kaidan hair aside and plucked out a wiggling ball of fur. "I didn't see a wheel up there. Couldn't have set up camp that permanently."

Kaidan rubbed the top of his head. "Was that staged? This some sort of relationship hazing?"

"I didn't put him up to it. Chose it himself. I was letting him scamper around while I read the news on my datapad."

Shepard dropped the hamster back into the cage.

"Don't forget to snap the lid," Kaidan said. "You keep forgetting."

"Hey, he's not exactly athletic if you've noticed the lack of wheel squeaking. Climb a glass wall? I don't think so. Still …" She snapped the cage closed. "There. You and your lovely locks are safe from the machinations of a pot-bellied hamster."

"Thanks, I guess."

"We're marines. We stick together." Shepard flew down the stairs and pounced into bed. "Nothing like starting the day with a hamster on your head."

"I prefer coffee. It did wake me up though."

"See."

Kaidan sunk back into the sheets. "You realize I'll be paranoid now, checking my hair every time I wake up."

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice until after your shower. Cage's getting a little ripe. Little fellow could use a good shampoo."

"Ah." Kaidan folded the pillow under his head. "You know, maybe one morning you'll wake up with a hamster in your hair."

"Can't force a nesting site. Has to be his idea."

"I'll sprinkle sunflower seeds as a welcome mat."

"Seeds in my hair? Sounds worse than a warm, furry little hamster." Shepard pulled over her own pillow. "You told me to wake you up."

Kaidan smiled. "Should have been more specific. Guess I had it coming."

"Precisely." She traced her fingers along his jaw. "Good morning."

"Yeah. It is." He brushed her smile with his lips.

She twisted her fingers into his hair and kissed him harder. "I'm glad you're here, Kaidan."

"Wouldn't be anywhere else. Even if I have to comb hamster out of my hair."

Shepard chuckled and crawled over him. "So, how awake are you?"

"Whichever's the right answer, I'm it." He laughed, pulled her down by the neck, and kissed her mouth.

XXX

Kaidan threw the shuttle door open to the cargo bay. They tumbled out flushed and laughing. Kaidan broke mid-laugh and stopped dead in his tracks. Cortez glared at them with crossed arms and a sour expression.

"Lieutenant Cortez." Kaidan gave a strained smile. "How long have you …"

"Long enough."

"Long enough for what?" Shepard said unperturbed. "I thought you were at Vega's poker thing."

"Hey, Lola."

Kaidan craned his neck to see around Cortez. James stood at his workbench polishing armor with a rag and an alarmingly wide grin.

"Get this," James said, "Buggie, who I didn't invite but came anyway, guess what he did? Apparently – don't know how I never knew – but aces are low cards. That's what I'm being told anyway. Everyone agrees with me, he throws the table over. Chip hits Doctor Blue right between the eyes. And she was only there to watch him."

"So, he says aces are low, huh?" Shepard said.

"Says in his cycle, ace is low. Since his cycle came first … I'm like, 'Whoa, whoa, hold on. Ace has always been high. Right, Doc?' But she's vamoosed. Then it's just he said, he said, you know? Just called it a night. Don't know why I never thought of inviting him."

Shepard chuckled and tugged the zipper up higher on her hoodie. "You know Javik's messing with you, right? Don't need Liara to know the Protheans never had poker."

"How should I know? Hard to argue with a Prothean about Protheans."

Kaidan edged toward the elevator, but he couldn't catch Shepard's eyes. Cortez was still giving them a dark look. James dumped the armor on the bench and came over.

"So, Lola and L2 in the shuttle." James whistled through his smile. "Guess we shoulda picked the card table back up, huh, Esteban? Kept playing. This is gonna stick with you a long time." James patted Cortez's back.

Shepard sighed and put a hand on her hip. "Uh huh. What's all this whistling and winking going on, Vega? Everything's very aboveboard here."

"Sure, ha. Whatever you say," James said.

Cortez face scrunched. "Respectfully, I'd sooner believe Protheans play poker."

"Eh. Fine. Believe whatever you want." Shepard shrugged. She tugged on Kaidan's arm. "We should go."

James laughed and his grin deepened. "Ha, Lola. Look at L2's face. Knew I was right! That's what I'm believing."

"What?" Shepard spun to Kaidan. "Hey, don't look so shifty there, Kaidan. You're giving James an ego and Cortez an aneurysm."

Kaidan tried to smooth whatever it was playing in his expression.

"So," James said wolfishly, "what sort of aboveboard thing were you two doing in there?"

"Well," Shepard said. She adjusted her hoodie and put her hands on her hips. "My hamster got free. We were looking for him."

"In the shuttle?" James cocked his head with a serious expression. "Huh, weird. How'd he get all the way down here? Long ways from your cabin, right?"

Shepard shifted on her feet and threw Kaidan a sideways look. She focused back on James.

"Funny story," she said. "Forgot to close the cage. Damn critter's more athletic than I gave him credit for. Escaped. He likes to run around the ship. Making my rounds, I saw his cheeky, little hind end crawling into the shuttle."

"And L2?" James waved at him. "Where's he come in?"

"Hamster crawled under the floor panels. Needed someone dexterous in biotics to, you know, pluck the hamster out."

"Why close the door?" Cortez asked with a hardened stare.

"Couldn't let the hamster escape. Obviously," Shepard said.

"That the right story, Major?" James smirked.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Yep. That's about it."

"Uh huh. Sure, sure." James shared a look with Cortez. "Oh, yeah. Just one thing. Where's that hamster now? You shut the door so he couldn't escapar, right? L2 not as, uh, _dexterous _as you thought?"

Kaidan frowned. "Not appreciating the air quotes on that, Vega."

"Major Alenko is plenty _dexterous._"

"Not appreciating the air quotes from you either, Shepard."

"What? Don't worry." Shepard laughed and elbowed him. "You did a good job."

Cortez buried his face in his hands. "Oh. My shuttle."

"Why're you crying, Cortez?" Shepard said. "He was out before he could make a mess."

"Still talking about the hamster, right?" James leaned a palm on the shuttle. His molars showed his smile was so wide. His eyes shifted to Kaidan. "Ow, Man. Hamster-diving's got some mean restrictions."

"My shuttle," Cortez moaned. "Do I need to clean it?"

"Not much." Shepard shrugged. "Did kind of get exciting at the end though. May have missed some things. There was a lot of writhing and screaming in Kaidan's hands. Kaidan's dexterity in finest form."

James's palm slipped. He stumbled against the shuttle. Cortez only moaned louder.

"Shepard!" Kaidan hissed.

"What?" Shepard lifted her shoulders. "Deny any of that's true."

Kaidan stared at her a long moment. He reached for her sweatshirt. "Just give me … Hey! Don't fight me on this." She slapped him away and stumbled out of his grab.

"What's happening?" James's eyes widened. "Yo, L2, you trying to get her clothes off? Lola's got a private room. You know that, right?"

Kaidan snared her hood. She shoved him away with both hands.

"Shepard, just show—"

"Don't show anythin'." James put his hands up. "Difference between real and joking around."

"My shuttle," Cortez said mournfully.

"Shepard!" Kaidan lunged at her. She slipped under his reach, but he hooked her hood. His hand closed around a furry ball nestled inside. It squirmed in his fist with a shrill squeal.

"What the …" James's eyes bulged. "You really—That the—Damn. There really was a … Whoa. Did not see that coming."

Kaidan waved the beady-eyed fur in front of James's face. He thrust it into Cortez's face next.

"Then …" Cortez's face brightened. Kaidan's towed him to the shuttle and flicked on his Omni-Tool light. It illuminated the inside of the shuttle. Panels gaped open in the floor with the covers stacked in the corner.

"Sorry about the panels," Shepard said in a deflated tone. She crossed her arms with a huff and gave Kaidan a sideways frown. "We could have taken this much further."

"I didn't want it taken anywhere." Kaidan pet the fuzzy head with the pad of his thumb. "Keep leaving the cage cover off, he'll be on your next ground mission."

Shepard shoved Kaidan lightly and flashed him a smile. "Come on. I know you'll still help me find him again, despite me giving 'dexterous' air quotes."

"So you really …" James's mouth hung open. "Looking for a hamster. Damn, kind of feel disappointed in you two now. Horrified to bored. That fast."

"Thank all species' gods and spirits," Cortez mumbled and crawled into his shuttle. "It was only a hamster. Only a hamster."

"Come on, Alenko. Let's put him back behind bars." Shepard tugged his arm and tilted her head toward the elevator.

Kaidan followed her inside. She turned her hood to him, and he plopped the wiggling fur back inside. The elevator doors slid shut.

"See," Shepard turned to him, "got away with the hamster-rescue celebration after all."

"Yeah, but then I had to catch him a second time," Kaidan said. He grinned despite the heat stinging his face. "I'm not following you alone into a shuttle again."

"Hey. I can't help if hamster-hunting heats my blood. Your ass was in the air rooting around in the floor. I had to start undressing. Couldn't orphan my hamster dying from hyperthermia."

Kaidan rolled his eyes and laughed.

"So," Shepard sidled up next to him. "You did save him a second time. Second hamster-rescue celebration?"

The elevator door opened to the landing. Kaidan pressed her against the cabin door.

"You look hyperthermic." He zipped her hoodie down, fingers grazing her skin. With his other hand, he reached for the hood in back.

"Hey!" Shepard said. "You're worried about putting the hamster away, aren't you?"

Kaidan laughed. "I draw the line at three times in one day."

"Really?" Shepard adjusted his collar. "That's too bad."

"Three hamster rescues. Three hamster rescue celebrations, different."

The cabin door opened at her back, and he peeled off her hoodie as she stepped into her room.

Shepard patted the lump in her hood. "Back to the block, Little Guy. Then just crank the TV the up and plug your igloo door with plenty of woodchips."

Shepard sprang down her steps and dove on the bed. She rolled onto her back.

"Hey, Kaidan. Don't forget to snap the cage shut. You forget every damn time."

He gave her a flat look through the glass case. Shepard only grinned.


	18. Chapter 18

Shepard's breath steamed out in a plume as she tucked her helmet under her arm. Frost crystals hung in the air. Icicles gleamed overhead on the blackened rim of a collapsing roof. This had been an outdoor shopping center at one point. One point before the reapers set it on fire. On the horizon, twilight outlined the shadow of empty habitats.

"Figure it out?" Shepard said.

Ice crunched under her boots. Her shadow fell over Cortez. He was buried head and shoulders in the shuttle's back hatch.

"I think it's the propulsion sync." Cortez grunted from inside the hollow space.

"Need help, Esteban?" James leaned a hand on the shuttle.

"Unless you can materialize another mechanic, no."

"Got Scars and L2. They get turned on by circuitry, right?"

"I said a mechanic." Cortez's words were lost in a string of low grumbles.

"Welp, can't help you there." James pushed off the shuttle. He met Shepard's eyes with a shrug. "At least the husks are muerto. Too bad 'bout the colony though. Think they liked living here? The inside of my nose is frosted."

Shepard threw her helmet into the shuttle and dropped to her heels beside Cortez. "What do you need, Cortez? Want the Normandy to pick us up?"

"This atmosphere would wreak havoc on her external thermal grid. Adams would be complaining about it for days, months, years. However long we have, he'll be telling the story."

"Hey. What kind of attitude's that?" Shepard thumped his side. "Days and months."

Cortez pulled his head out. "I don't want my last days spent ducking corners when I hear Adam's footsteps."

"He'd blame you for this?" Shepard waved at the defunct shuttle. "It's just a climate malfunction or whatever, right?"

"Don't know." Cortez dug back into the shuttle. "I don't understand it. I ran all the usual system checks. It's like there's a disconnect between the main control board and the left propulsion drive, but that's impossible. I checked the wiring last week."

Shepard sighed and pushed up on her knees. "I'll give you a little time to root around, but then we're calling the mothership. I'm done with this place."

Dusk gave the residential area an eerie black and white, old-movie quality. Ice sparkled on the picnic benches. Streetlights with broken blubs lined the empty roads. Silence. Complete silence. If she looked closer, she'd see dead husks crystalling with frost and sinking into the snow. Shepard pulled her eyes away.

James slouched against the shuttle. His Omni-Tool screen whooshed with the sound of shuffling cards. Games. Dead colonists decaying in the cold around them and he was sharpening his skill at the card table. Shepard frowned, opening her mouth, then stopped. The rigid set to his jaw and the sharp focus in his eye wasn't his usual game face. Shepard passed by him instead and patted his shoulder.

Kaidan wasn't anywhere in sight, but Garrus had only wandered a few meters from the shuttle. His black widow leaned against the wall of a parking arcade. Snow shimmered in his talons.

"Not a lot of snow on Palavan, right?" Shepard stopped beside him.

"None." He dropped the snow. "Damn cold out here."

"Thinking the same thing myself." Her breath misted the air between them.

"Noveria was a blizzard. This, though, silent. Peaceful. Like to think there's peace now."

"Yeah, sure." Shepard put her back to the colony. "Peaceful."

Garrus gazed at the shapes over her shoulder. After a moment, he sighed and his eyes shifted back to her face. "Wish Tali was here."

"Cortez _was_ wishing for a mechanical engineer." Shepard studied Garrus. A smile tickled her lips. "That's not what you meant, though, was it?"

Garrus shrugged. He grabbed his rifle and fiddled with the barrel. "She always wished she saw Noveria. She's never seen snow. Cold and miserable stuff, but pretty. Peaceful. She might like it." Garrus caught Shepard's smirk. He narrowed his eyes. "Don't look at me like that."

"Of course not," Shepard said. "Myself, I was just wishing Joker was here. If we're picking. I'd like to gently white wash him."

"Because of the jewelry?"

"Hell, yes. Because of the earrings. All the crap he's given me. I am a woman, you know? Doesn't mean anything if I wear the trappings of one once in a while."

"Heard all about it in the mess." Garrus paused. "What are curlers?"

"He was going on about my hair too? Oh, I'd white wash him cleaner than bleach. Be feeding him snow, mouth and nose. I'm not doing it for Kaidan. I just … It's- you know, nevermind. I really do wish he was here now I've imagined it."

A commotion drew Shepard's attention. By the shuttle, Cortez stomped to his feet. His eyes sighted on Shepard, expression stormy.

"Oh no," Shepard muttered.

"I found the problem," Cortez said through his teeth.

"What is it?" Shepard wandered closer.

"This!" Cortez waved a fistful of frayed wires at her.

"Wires? Can you fix it?"

"Yes, but I want to focus attention on this." He rattled the wires in the air again.

"What? You're blaming me for those … Oh." Shepard studied the ends of the wire. "Those aren't …"

"Gnawed? Chewed? Nibbled? Ripped apart by gerbil teeth?"

"Gerbil teeth. I'm off the hook then."

"Hamster teeth."

"He was barely in there." Her mind shifted back to the second escape while she was, uh, preoccupied. How long had that been? It couldn't have been that long.

"But you can fix it?" Shepard asked again.

"Yes, but -"

"Then fix it," Shepard said. "Can't be undone. It could have been anyone's loose hamster."

"Anyone's loose hamster?" Cortez bent the wires in half.

"Whoa, whoa. Esteban, chido, hombre." James put an arm around Cortez. "Let's go fix up our ride. We can put up hamster wanted posters later, capiche?"

"She told me he didn't get into anything."

James steered him back to the shuttle. "You know Lola's track record with fish. Hamster's on borrowed time anyway. Just put some snow down your collar and dazzle us with your fix-it skills."

Garrus stopped next to Shepard and gave her sideways look.

"What?" Shepard said. "I'm getting better with it. Now I wait for the click when I shut the cage."

"Can't wait to tell Tali about this."

Shepard snorted. "Where's Kaidan? I need moral support while you're all slandering my poor, innocent-until-proven-guilty hamster."

Garrus tilted his head toward the shadows deep inside the parking garage. Snow footprints disappeared into the dark.

Shepard clapped Garrus on the arm. "Don't let Cortez maroon me here as by proxy punishment to my hamster."

"You get marooned, Shepard, I get marooned. Wouldn't leave the planet without you."

Shepard grinned. "You should bring some snow back for Tali. Different effect than seeing it. Maybe the next snowy place we come across, she can see it properly."

Garrus scooped up a talon full of snow. "Might just do that."

XXX

"Kaidan?" Shepard trudged around the snow-crusted husk of a burned skycar. Frost coated the windshield's jagged glass. Black marks scorched the doors, and stuffing spilled out of the torn leather seats inside. Around her, the snow concealed a dozen other wrecks like bodies under a white sheet. Kaidan stood just beyond the parking garage's shadow facing an untouched field of snow. He glanced over his shoulder at her.

"Edge of the habitat." Shepard stopped next to him. "What're you doing out here?"

Facing this direction, there was an endless stretch of powder reflecting the night sky. Snow-capped mountains, rocky and forested, rose in the distance.

"Headache?" Shepard asked.

"Hmm? No. I just … I don't know." He folded his arms and gazed up at the sky. "How many moons do you think there are? Up there."

Globes hung in the sky, a scattering of color, pinks to gold. A spectrum of sizes shining brilliant to dull. The moons were countless.

"Cortez found the issue with the shuttle," Shepard said.

"He's ready then?" Kaidan dropped his arms.

"Not yet. Finding the issue is only step one of resolving the issue." Shepard rubbed her arms from the chill. "He's accusing my hamster of gnawing the wires. Allegedly. No proof."

Kaidan gave a weak smile. "Hasn't called for teeth impressions yet?"

"Need a warrant."

"Think they make hamster-sized polygraphs?"

Shepard chuckled. "You know what? Let's start a rumor about the Normandy's rat infestation. Joker's very suggestable. A few chewed up wires in the cockpit …"

"I suppose you want me to leap onto a chair with a screech. Throw a shoe at the wall."

"Preferably in front of a full mess hall. Lay it on thick. It has to convince Cortez."

Kaidan smirked at her out of the corner of his eye. "They take the rumor too seriously and put down rat traps ... Better start listening for the snap when you close the hamster's cage. Could end badly."

"Hey. I've been better about it."

"Kinda."

"He hasn't gotten out again."

"Because I come behind you and make sure it snaps."

"New plan then. I put vaseline on the cage walls. Solves the problem for good."

"Waiting for the lid to click is a heavy burden."

Shepard elbowed him. He laughed and flashed her a wide smile.

"What are you really doing out here?" Shepad asked.

He opened his hand. Mismatched Omni-Tools rolled together in his palm. There were four of them, scratched and mangled.

Shepard's throat went dry. "Bodies?"

"No, they're from the cars."

"Oh." Shepard hugged her elbows and turned back to the field. "I hate this place. Too damn cold."

Kaidan pulled her against his side. "Want my helmet? It'll help with thermal regulation."

She released a long sigh. "I can see my breath. It's unnatural."

"Natural enough to me."

"Vancouver gets this cold?"

"Mountains in the interior do. I didn't spend all my time in the city."

"Growing up with your family?" Shepard clarified.

Kaidan nodded. Shepard slid an arm around his waist and leaned into him. Light scattered across the pearly ground. Moonlight tinted the snow caps on the horizon. Her heart slowed listening with the silence. There was only the breathing beside her. Mist swirled in rhythm with the soft release of his breath. The air stung, a chill not from the cold. She could feel the colony at her back.

"Bet you never thought adventure in space would look like this," Shepard said. "Icy planet, scavenging Omni-Tools from burnt cars, leaving behind a colony of twice-killed people to rot in the snow. Listening to the silence, because you came too late."

Kaidan's arm tightened around her. "You're not too late. Maybe for the ones here, but not for everyone. You've rallied the entire galaxy. Don't hang on to one distress call heard too late."

"So, this doesn't bother you?" Shepard pulled away and faced him. "There were snowmen in the yards, Kaidan. Half-eaten roasts on the table. Christmas trees that never made the slash pile. You're standing here, staring at that blank field, and you're not thinking the same thing?"

"No, I am, but …"

"What?"

"There's nothing I could have done. Nothing you could have done."

"Just bad luck?"

"Yeah."

Shepard flexed her jaw and jerked around facing the mountains with her back to him.

"Sometimes it really is just bad luck," Kaidan said. He put a hand on her back. "If you let this creep into you like the cold, then our purpose here turns against us."

"Purpose?" Shepard spat. "This had no purpose."

"It reminds you what you're fighting for: the snowmen in the yards, not just bullet points on a plan."

Shepard throat closed, and she let the stillness stretch. Kaidan tugged her elbow. Reluctantly, she turned and he pulled her to his chest. She buried her nose into his neck.

"Hey," he whispered. "I know what a colony like this means to you."

Shepard's fingers dug into the back of his armor. He didn't say more. She was glad he stopped there. He knew what she saw in the abandoned meals and broken-down doors. She nestled her face into his collar, breathed in his aftershave, and savored the heat of his skin on her cheeks. He smelled like something you shouldn't be able to smell: safety and home.

"The mountains outside Vancouver," Shepard murmured against his skin. "They're pretty?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said softly into her hair. "I'll show them to you one day."

Shepard's smile stiffened, and her arms loosened around his waist. A sweet thought. But only that: a thought.

"One day," she said, but the cold crept up from her fingertips.

The hours and days were slipping away. There would be a day when all he told her would become true - the ocean surf, snowy mountains, families and fireplaces, spring flowers and fresh fruit, all the ordinary things. And him. He would be there with her if only for a second.

She'd see all of it in that one moment, the gray Inbetween of what is and what's lost. Perhaps bleeding out on the battlefield or flying backward from a grenade. In that one second, for one moment of one day, that's where she'd be: paradise, the darkening seconds of a stilled heart, the memory of him.

Shepard kissed his throat and smiled. For everything she'd accomplished, finding Kaidan was the reward. He was right about one thing. She needed to remember what she was fighting for: snowmen in the yard and for that final sunset, standing on the mountain top in his arms watching the twilight fade. It would be enough.


	19. Chapter 19

Shepard rested her shoulder against the bathroom door frame and brushed her teeth. Her duffle bag spilled fresh BTUs, balled socks, and hair rubber bands across the foot of the bed. It was only one night passing by the Citadel, barely twenty-four hours, but it was worth the skycar ride. Anderson's apartment could have even felt like home, if only it wasn't just one more good thing come too late.

"Where's your floss?" Shepard asked over the bristles and foam.

Kaidan was slouched against the headboard engrossed in his datapad. "By the sink."

Shepard spit a mouthful of mint into the sink and rifled through Kaidan's toiletry bag. She strolled back lacing the floss between her teeth.

"Full polish and detailing, eh? Gums are getting lucky tonight," Kaidan kept his eyes on the datapad, but the corners of his lips quirked up.

Ever since he discovered she didn't have floss in her medicine cabinet, he'd been an obnoxious dental snob. Her routine worked just fine. After Cerberus's tampering, her enamel was probably galvanized anyway.

"Hey." Shepard snapped the floss between her teeth. "My dental health is excellent."

"Excellent or adequate?"

"You want my gums to be the only thing getting lucky tonight?"

"My, you're presumptuous. I'm just here for the better mattress and the hot tub."

Shepard lowered the string from her mouth. "Mattress, huh? That attitude, I'll put a pea under your side. You'll be tossing all night." She gave him a pointed look.

"I can read between the lines. And if I'm a princess, what's that make you?" Kaidan tossed his datapad on the nightstand. "They're always dating frogs."

"Better kiss me then and see what you get." Shepard dropped her floss in a waste basket.

"Don't need to tell me twice." He bounced out of bed and grabbed her by the waist. "You're beautiful and look nothing like a frog."

"Afraid your frog comment would leave me with a complex, huh?" Shepard grinned and smoothed his collar. "Of course, I'm not a frog. I have teeth. Teeth with excellent, above-average dental quality."

She leaned into him and inhaled his soft breath in her face. He had used the same toothpaste. There was something so domestic about sharing toothpaste and floss. She couldn't stifle the smile when their lips brushed. Heat flared through her veins. She loved the way he kissed her, tender and earnest but sensual and impassioned too. His fingertips indented into her hips and drew her closer.

"So," Shepard pulled her lips away. "Which did you come for? The mattress or the hot tub?"

"Hot tub."

"Hot tub it is." She walked two fingers up his chest with a smirk. "There's wine downstairs."

"Better and better." He pecked her lips and shot toward the stairs.

Shepad chuckled and meandered into the bathroom. She kicked the tub's faucet on with her foot. Her Omni-Tool flashed on the sink's vanity with a new message. Her eyebrows bunched reading it.

"Ah." Kaidan paused in the doorway. Stemmed glasses sagged in his hand. "Problems? Do we need to leave?"

"What? No. It's not that." Shepard sighed. She tossed her Omni-Tool on the sink counter. "It's Garrus."

"Garrus?" Kaidan set an open wine bottle by the tub. The glasses glinted in his other hand as he drew closer.

"I suggested he take Tali to pick out suit mods. Everyone else wears human armor. Except Javik, but it's Javik ... Anyway, Garrus asked her, but she said she'd go on her own tomorrow. When he said tomorrow was fine, too, she realized all her gear was up to date and nevermind. She's freezing him out. I don't get it."

"Well." Kaidan folded his arms, clinking the glasses under his elbow. "It's probably because Tali asked him to the Armax Arena last week and he said no."

"Tali asked Liara to the arena too," Shepard said. "It's not like it was a date. Plus, he already agreed to play poker with James and Joker at that time. She knew that."

"She knew that, but it was the only open time slot at the arena. Besides, Liara wasn't going to stick around. She was going to realize she forgot something and leave early."

"That's unnecessarily elaborate. How's Garrus supposed to know that?"

"It makes the invitation more casual starting as a group. Less pressure."

"It makes it confusing."

"Confusing?" Kaidan scoffed. "She's been giving him the signals for weeks. She told him how nice he looks in the new Phoenix armor, complimented his swagger after nailing the Cerberus scout on Titus. Does she need to literally throw herself at him? I don't think he'd get it even then."

"That's because literally throwing yourself at someone is still confusing. I'd sooner think she forgot to secure her footwear than bumping into me was a romantic pass." Shepard stepped up to Kaidan. "He complimented her, too, you know. Said her input/ output records were very thorough and well-calibrated."

"Very thorough input/ output records? Well, that's poetry."

"He said well-calibrated." Shepard ground a finger into Kaidan's chest. "Well-calibrated from Garrus? Damn right that's poetry."

"Sure. 'Garrus, you look strapping and ruggish today.' 'Thanks, Tali, nice calibration readings last week.'"

"Well, then if -" Shepard's voice raised then caught. She grinned. "This turning you on too?"

"Oddly, yes."

Shepard laughed and hooked his neck with her elbow. "Kaidan, you're the finest piece of equipment I've ever enjoyed uncalibrating. See? Perfect pick up. Garrus knows his stuff."

"Complimenting armor works too. Works better. Shepard, you're so sexy in your armor, but for some reason, I keep imagining you out of it. See."

"Poetry." Shepard slipped the stemmed glasses out his hand and set them on the tub. "Complimenting calibrations or armor both work, but it needs flare. We should give them pointers."

"I think it's better if we let them work it out."

"Agreed. With some help."

"Shepard …"

"What?" Shepard shrugged a shoulder. "If someone helped us out, maybe we could have had more times like this together."

A smile played on his lips, and he laughed. "Yeah, I'd like to think that, but you're pretty contrary. If someone suggested it, it might have just taken that much longer to get here. We'd have fewer times like this."

Shepard bit her lower lip with a grin. She tried to hold back the laugh, but it broke through. "Yeah, you could be right." She poured wine into a glass and handed it to Kaidan. "What a bad choice that would've been."

Kaidan clinked their glasses. "Hear, hear."

Shepard slid her eyes down Kaidan's body. "That's a lot to wear into a hot tub."

"I was planning on taking off my boots."

"I'll help you take off more than that."

"Well, I am royalty." Kaidan grinned. "Can't be expected to undo my own buttons."

"No argument." Shepard fisted his collar in one hand. "I'm glad we figured out the signals and stopped dancing around each other. You mean a lot to me."

Kaidan's eyes brightened. "You mean everything to me. I'm glad we figured it out too."

Shepard took a sip of wine before setting her glass on the counter. She sidled up to him and tugged at the first button on his collar.

XXX

"Shepard, what are you doing here?" Kaidan stopped over the table.

Shepard and Garrus looked up from their menus. Shepard caught Kaidan's eye with a wink. His stomach was already starting to feel queasy from this.

"Hey, Kaidan. Didn't know you'd be here. Thought you had that, uh … thing." Shepard smiled cheerfully.

Garrus's eyes narrowed. He glanced between them. "What thing?"

They hadn't planned the story out that far. Kaidan opened his mouth but nothing came out. Heat rose up his collar. He had to think of a 'thing.' His mind raced. He could say the firing range, but it wasn't really a 'thing.' Perhaps he was at the Spectre offices, but that suffered the same drawback. It wasn't really a 'had that thing' sort of answer. Shepard should have left it at 'didn't know you'd be here.' Now it was on him to come up with something convincing on the fly. This was exactly why he suggested they practice.

"Practice?" Shepard had laughed earlier that morning giving him an open-mouth view of cornflakes. "Grab a sharpie. I'll write your cue cards. Practice! You really want to sound practiced?"

"Not sound practiced, be practiced." Standing barefoot in her kitchen in pajama pants, he'd waited while she took another loud bite of cereal.

"Improv's more natural. I'll help you out if you choke."

"When I choke." Kaidan clutched his hot coffee. "Garrus will see right through me."

"You did a great job with the security guards at the casino. I don't know what you're worried about. You even worked up some tears."

"This is different."

Now, here they were with Garrus's eyes thinned into slits and fixed on Kaidan's face. This long pause while Kaidan searched for an answer wasn't helping the situation.

"Your secret Spectre thing finished early?" Shepard offered up. She lazily swirled a straw in her ice water.

Secret Spectre thing? Kaidan shot her a frown. Garrus might ask about that now. A secret Spectre thing was even harder to explain than a general 'thing.'

"Yes. That's what happened," Kaidan said woodily.

His crossed and recrossed his arms trying to smear off the sweat dampening his palms. Lying to friends never felt right. Lying to the enemy or to a stranger on a mission for a good reason, he could do that. Poker? He could do that, too, but this? Kaidan paused. He hadn't thought of it that way before. This was just another game. Frame it that way instead of being a lie and knowing he could come clean later, this might be all right. It was for a good cause, wasn't it? His breathing slowed.

"Secret Spectre thing?" Garrus set his menu down and folded his hands. "Are you investigating the Leviathan with Shepard? Or a separate investigation?"

Kaidan shrugged. "Can't say. That's why it's a secret Spectre thing."

Excellent. The answer was right there in the wording. He just had to clear his head to hear it.

"He wouldn't tell me either." Shepard rolled her eyes and slouched back in her chair. She was so natural at this. That wasn't necessarily a good thing.

"So, whatcha doing here?" Shepard continued. "Thought Apollo's was your meal shack of choice."

"I'm here for the same reason as you, I imagine. Dextran and levo food options." Kaidan kept his voice light. As long as he avoided Garrus's C-Sec-interrogation gaze, the conversation was starting to feel more natural.

"Garrus and I haven't ordered yet." Shepard looked at Garrus. "Okay if we expand the party?"

Garrus's eyes slid to Shepard. "Convenient you insisted the waiter place us at a bigger table when we came in."

"This spot has the best lighting," Shepard said dismissively. "Pull out a chair, Kaidan."

Ignoring Garrus's scrutiny, he pulled out a chair across from Shepard and sat with a thump. He glanced around them.

"It is perfect lighting," Kaidan observed with a nod. "Bright enough for eating, dim enough for intimate conversation. I'd say, this table," Kaidan knocked on it, "best lighting in the whole damn place. Good eye, Shepard."

Shepard's eyes pinned him with an incredulous stare. Her lips twisted to the side. Oh. Now he was overdoing it. Dammit. She should have let him practice. Strangely enough, Garrus actually seemed to relax at the same words that had made Shepard frown. Garrus's shoulders lost the building tension, and he eased back against the chair.

"Is the fountain over there soothing enough, Kaidan?" Garrus chuckled, putting an elbow on his armrest. "What about the squares on the floor? Remind you of bathroom tiles? And the decor? Expensive but tasteful? Big place, isn't it?"

Kaidan's brow tightened in a knot. His lighting soliloquy was exaggerated, granted, but worse than outting Kaidan's nervous fumbling, Garrus was actually accepting it as normal. Kaidan shifted in his seat. Those were comments from years ago. The big places comment no one forgot. Kaidan had said it one too many times maybe. But Garrus seemed to have kept track of a lot more than that. Kaidan opened his mouth, but Shepard interrupted.

"So, Kaidan, you didn't say. Why a dextro/levo restaurant?"

"Oh, uh, good question." Kaidan tried to refocus from the distraction. "Glad you asked, Shepard. I'm meeting someone."

Garrus's attention had wandered to the menu, but it must have come off stilted because Shepard scrunched her face at him. She tapped her ice water as if for emphasis. The meaning could be anything. Did he need to chill like the ice, or did she want him to order water? He frowned in concentration at her glass. Shepard cleared her throat drawing Kaidan's attention back. She mouthed something.

"Why're you mouthing 'stay cool'?" Garrus asked.

Shepard didn't miss a beat. "Kaidan's touchy being teased about the 'big place' comment."

Really? Kaidan narrowed his eyes at her. He'd been teased about it enough, sure, but he was a good sport. He thought he was anyway. Now she was going to tease him about it now, too, but in a roundabout way. Fine. First rule of improv was to go along with it. If she said he was upset about it then ...

"Makes me furious." Kaidan smiled and slammed a fist down on the table. The silverware rattled. "So glad there's a fountain over there. I'd lose my mind without that soothing trickle. And the excellent lighting." He grinned at Shepard. She pursed her lips but stopped short of any open sign of annoyance. She was the one who wanted to go there.

Shepard sighed. "Back to the earlier question."

"I'll need the transcripts read back. I'm so enraged, I can't remember anything before 'big place'."

Garrus gawked at them. "What's going on? I thought we were just out for dinner, Shepard."

"We are out for dinner. Kaidan crashed us."

"Had to get in on the lighting," Kaidan said.

"Well, guess I can't blame him there. Makes sense," Shepard allowed.

"No, it doesn't." Garrus focused on Kaidan. "Why are you here if you didn't expect to find Shepard?"

"Oh, yeah, that's the question from earlier," Kaidan said. "It's coming back now the red's clearing. Right. Why am I here? Pure coincidence. I'm meeting someone."

"Who?" Garrus asked.

Kaidan nodded at the door. "Ah. There she is."

Tali lingered in the restaurant's entryway. Her mask rotated looking around the room and stopped on their corner.

"Kaidan." She crossed the room to them. "You didn't say Garrus and Shepard were meeting us."

"We invited Kaidan to join us," Shepard said. "Garrus and I were just about to order when Kaidan showed up. The more the merrier, right?"

Garrus sat up higher in his seat and straightened his visor. "Tali, didn't know you'd be here."

"Would it have changed anything if you knew?" she asked.

"I, uh .. well, I … I suppose not."

Shepard smirked at Kaidan from across the table then nodded at the empty seat beside her. "Sit down, Tali. Join us."

"You don't mind sitting with them, do you?" Kaidan asked. "I scoped out the restaurant. Best lighting? Right here."

"If you say so." Tali slipped into the empty chair. "Kaidan, I thought you wanted to discuss the retrofitting on the core drive. You had so many questions."

"The core drive is getting retrofitted?" Garrus asked.

"Just a few small adjustments."

"It'll need calibrated," Shepard said idly and took a sip of water.

"I could help with that," Garrus said. "I'd need to know a little more what I'm getting into."

"You'd have to leave the battery," Shepard warned. "Probably have to clock in hours down in engineering."

"I have some free time between adjustments in the battery. I can leave scans running."

Shepard craned her neck suddenly looking for something. She waved at an asari straightening plates on a nearby table. "Waiter, we need some drinks. And another menu."

The asari reoriented the final plate and sauntered to their table. She locked eyes with Shepard.

"Another menu," Shepard said with emphasis and winked.

"But we have enough menus," Tali said.

"Menus," Shepard repeated slowly and didn't take her eyes off the waiter.

A small smirk lifted the corners of the asari's mouth, and she gave a slight nod. That must have been the phrase Shepard decided to go with. Between mouthfuls of cornflakes she'd mumbled a string of possibilities.

"Ah, yes, yes. Menus," the asari said. "It appears you have enough already. I do have some unfortunate news, however."

"What?" Tali asked.

"I see you have two humans in your party," the asari said. "I'm sorry to say, but our levo chef went home ill. We only have dextro options, unless you're only wanting drinks."

"What?" Kaidan balled his hands on the table and drew in a deep breath. "So glad there's a fountain over there."

"Why?" Tali cocked her head.

"Soothing." Shepard patted Tali's wrist then redirected her attention to the waitress. "Well, that is upsetting."

"You don't look that upset," Garrus observed flatly.

"Barely keeping it together here," Kaidan said.

"Well," Shepard said, "looks like there's nothing here for us humans to eat."

"You can stay for drinks," Tali said.

"Too hungry," Shepard said. "Right, Kaidan?"

"Ravished."

Shepard scooted her chair back. "Guess we better hit Apollo's after all. Apollo's don't server dextro, though, so why don't you guys just stay here?"

"Wait," Tali said. "If we get orders to go, we can bring it back to your apartment."

Shepard paused pushing in her chair. "Well, that, uh … I guess that could …" Her eyes flicked to Garrus, and for a second, there was a pause like a ball suspended in the air.

"The food will get cold," Garrus said quickly. "Maybe we should just let them go, Tali."

"Oh?" Tali sat taller and touched the silverware on the table. "I guess if the food could get cold then …"

"Well, I just mean, hot food's better hot. Better to get our money's worth," Garrus said. "Not that I'm saying you have to pay."

"I can pay."

"Why don't I pick this one up?"

"You guys seem like you're settled," Shepard said. "Sorry this didn't work out."

Garrus's eyes glinted Shepard's direction, bright and sharp. He glanced between her and Kaidan then folded his hands on the table. "You're right, what a nice coincidence us four meeting here like this. Shame the levo chef went home sick."

"Indeed." Shepard said airily.

Kaidan tugged her arm. "Let's go. Enjoy the lighting, you two."

"Lighting?" Tali asked.

Kaidan guided Shepard toward the door.

"Lighting," Garrus said behind them. "Bright enough for eating, dim enough for intimate conversation."

The door closed behind them, and the tension eased from Kaidan's chest. That it had turned transparent in the end eased the nagging worry of it being a lie. Shepard looped an arm around Kaidan's waist.

"Success, Kaidan. You're right, though," she rested her temple against his shoulder, "next time, we practice."

"Next time?" Kaidan steered her toward Apollo's.

"Got a lot of friends left to matchmake, Kaidan. What do you think about Liara and the new requisition officer?"

"How about we leave it to Cupid and focus on eating steak?"

"Ah, the ultimate love story. Kaidan and steak."

"What?" Kaidan hugged her closer. "That's not my ultimate love."

"Whiskey?"

Kaidan kissed her forehead. "Don't even get me started on you and your hamster."

They laughed, leaning together, and hurried to make their reservation time at Apollo's. The lightning there was even more perfect.


	20. Chapter 20

Kaidan slinked into the med bay. The dim light of night cycle from the mess hall window casted the room in shadows. It was silent, except for the air handler and hum of FTL. A bundle shifted on the steel bed in the back, a mound of blankets with a tuff of hair and shinning eyes. Open eyes. Kaidan stopped in place.

"Sorry. Did I wake you?"

Shepard gave a pale smile and nestled her chin into the blanket. "I'm only fourteen hours into my beauty sleep."

"If that's all sleep is good for, you shouldn't bother." He shuffled closer.

"Hm. I'll remember that next time you're complaining I come to bed."

Kaidan grinned. "That's not all a bed's for."

His shadow fell over her face. Medical cords trailed out of the blanket to a heart rate monitor and an internal temperature gauge. The outside of the electric blanket almost seared Kaidan's palm. He pulled his hand back sharply. If it was that hot on the outside, how hot was it inside?

"You know," Shepard said through blue lips. "They always say the best way to bring your core body temperature up …"

Kaidan touched Shepard's cheek with the back of his fingers. Clammy. The skin around her eyes was sunken and dark. Her cheeks were bloodless. Whatever happened with the Leviathan wasn't wearing off fast.

"I'm sure Dr. Chakwas thought of all the options." Kaidan smiled down at her.

"I don't know what they teach in med school, but all the vids clearly say you should be under the blanket with me. Naked."

"All right. Move over." Kaidan grabbed the top button on his collar. He paused.

"Keep going." Shepard whistled. She craned her neck and looked around the room. "Over there. There's an IV pole. Wheel it over. Then keep going."

Kaidan laughed. "Pole dancing when the pole has wheels? Guess I'm in the right place for the most likely outcome."

"You still haven't gotten that button? Lean down." Shepard squirmed against the tight constraints of the blanket. Her arm popped free. It was sheathed in an insulated sleeve sealed all the way to her fingertips. It looked like a flipper. Kaidan laughed so loud, he had to cover his mouth.

"Hey." Shepard waved her fin. "I didn't come up with this get-up."

"What are you wearing under there?" Kaidan peeled back a sliver of the blanket. Shepard bopped his hand away with her mit.

"Don't worry about that," she said and pulled out her other arm, also sheathed. Kaidan laughed harder.

"Hey! Just bring your collar closer."

"I can't see you unbuttoning anything with those flippers."

"I don't intend to. I'll use them to hold your face while I tear the buttons off with my teeth."

"Sounds like a choking hazard." Kaidan undid the first button. "There. I got it started for you." He leaned his neck down to her face.

Shepard's lips curled in a deviled grin. "Should we play chicken? You undo a button, I undo a button. You think I'm not serious, but let's see who stops first."

Kaidan chuckled imagining it. "That'd give Dr. Chakwas a morning jolt, wouldn't it? Me, under the blankets lost in the sweet embrace of your flippers, my clothes gnawed off and scattered around the room."

"Sounds hilarious to me. Let's do it." Shepard wrapped his neck with her paddles and kissed his mouth.

"It feels like a starfish has me," Kaidan mumbled and kissed her back.

Her mouth was cold, her tongue soft but cool. There was a quiver in her jaw, and it wasn't from passion. At least, he was pretty sure.

He pulled back and framed her face with his hands. "Hell, Shepard. You're still cold. It's been fifteen hours."

"Get under here then."

"No, seriously. You all right? You scared me down there."

"Already got that message loud and clear."

"It doesn't change anything, though, does it?"

Shepard gave a slight smile and squeezed his neck with her mits before letting go. Kaidan dragged a chair from the desk. He folded an arm on the edge of the bed and rested his chin so they were face to face.

"You scare me, too, you know? Just the way it is." Shepard worked her arms back under the blanket.

"Yeah? And you're pissed as hell every time I do. Where's the 'just the way it is' shrug then?"

Shepard scrunched closer to his face until their noses nearly brushed. "Don't take a bullet for me, Kaidan. Ever."

"Don't take a bullet for me. Ever. Let me do some of this stuff. It doesn't always need to be you who falls on the grenade."

Shepard studied his eyes. "Virmire, Alchera, Mars … Sometimes I wonder if there's another name on the list. I just don't know it yet."

Kaidan brushed the hair back from her forehead and rested a palm on her cool cheek. "I actually did lose you. Not an almost."

"You're saying it's your turn then? Not on my watch."

Kaidan forced a weak smile. "You're not leaving me behind next time."

Shepard frowned. "There was only one seat in the deep sea diver."

"Not that. Or not exactly." He settled his cheek against his arm. "I'm not going to be left behind again. Left here."

Her frown sharpened. She gazed back at him with steady eyes but didn't say a word.

"I love you," Kaidan whispered. "I wish we had more time together."

"Kaidan, no. Don't say that."

Kaidan caressed a thumb along her cheekbone with a sigh and forced a smile. "All right."

"All right," Shepard repeated in a firmer, almost chipper tone, and a little too loudly. "You can't have your face this close to mine and not kiss me. Scoot closer. If I can't have you in the sweet embrace of my flippers, then at least let me kiss-"

Kaidan crushed his mouth to her lips. A part of him wanted to remember all of this - how she tasted, her voice, the feel of her skin, every word she said - but the other part of him said not to bother. He didn't need to remember anything. He would be beside her this time, not spinning away in an escape pod. If she left this life, then this time, it wouldn't be alone in the dark emptiness of space. He wasn't going to be left behind.


	21. Chapter 21

She hadn't meant to snoop. The bubbling blue depths of the fish tank reflected her face back at her. She dropped her eyes from the reflection. On the edge of her vision, she could see the datapad still laying on the corner of the bed. The screen had long ago gone dark. She couldn't forget the words she'd read there. Words not meant for her. She shouldn't have snooped.

She had just been moving it. That's what she told herself anyway. It was at a precarious angle on the edge of the nightstand, and her thumb had slipped over the screen. For a second, the bright light had blinded her, then she saw the words. She shouldn't have read them, but she did. It only took six sentences before she dropped it onto the bed like a burning pistol.

Now she stood in the dark watching her fish. The datapad's message was still etched into her vision, despite how many times she tried to blink it away. It had nothing to do with her, yet her heart was pounding and it was all she could think about.

The cabin door chirped. She hesitated. It chirped again, and she finally trudged to the door. It could be Liara with new Broker intel or Garrus rattling her out of the cabin to share an after-dinner drink in the lounge. The ship's captain drinking would have created shockwaves a few months ago, but the structure was crumbling around them. The end drawing near. For some, nothing mattered. For other's, what mattered had never mattered more. Situations like this, she had always had the mindset of the former. Kaidan was different. It was Kaidan at her door.

"You all right?" He frowned.

"Checking up on me?"

"I thought you'd be in the mess. You missed dinner."

She gave a limp shrug and looked away.

"What's going on?" Kaidan stepped closer.

Shepherd crossed her arms under her breasts and angled away. "I'm all right. Just taking some time. Time to think."

"About what?"

"About this," Shepard blurted and stared him hard in the eye. "Us, the war, everything."

"Us?" Kaidan went still. His hand, halfway to her elbow, dropped back to his side. "I don't understand."

"I read your datapad." Shepard choked out and searched his eyes.

Kaidan's brow wrinkled, and he glanced past her into the dark cabin. "I can't even remember what's on it."

"I shouldn't have read it. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry."

The line between Kaidan's eyes deepened. He slid around her, scooped the datapad off the bed, and flicked it on. Shepard drifted to the top of the stairs and waited as Kaidan read it. Kaidan's eyes skimmed over the screen. Slowly, the knot in his shoulders loosened. He looked up.

"I'm sorry," she repeated quickly.

Kaidan tossed the datapad on the bed and stopped at the bottom of the stairs. He gave a weak smile.

"I don't care you saw that," he said.

"But," Shepard's words fumbled, "it's to your mother. It's private."

"It's not to my mom, though I have one for her too. I wouldn't call her by her first name."

"Then …"

"It's my sister."

"Sister?"

Shepard pinched her mouth to the side but pushed that question aside. It didn't matter.

"How's that make it any better?" She clutched her elbows and shrugged. "It's the same thing. I shouldn't have seen it."

Kaidan came up the steps. "Hey, I don't mind you saw it. If it was so private, would I have left the screen unlocked? Left it here? I really don't care."

Shepard took a step back from him. "A good bye letter though …"

"Better to be prepared than leave them nothing."

"Them? Your mom and sister?"

Kaidan gave a single nod.

"The idea of something happening to you though …" Shepard closed her eyes. She forced herself to say it: the truth. "If something happens to you, it's because you're with me."

"What? Shepard, if something happens, it's because I'm a soldier."

"A soldier could be anywhere in the battle, but you won't be just anywhere." Shepard met his eyes. "You'll try to be by my side, try to take my bullet. You'll fall to keep me going."

"You'd do the same for any of us. We're soldiers."

"That's not really it, though, is it?"

"Isn't it?" Kaidan touched her elbow. "You think if we weren't together, I wouldn't feel the same way? I'd still want to be there with you. I'd still do whatever it takes for you to reach the end. To make it out."

"You have family to leave behind."

"So do you. They're aboard this ship."

It wasn't the same thing. Shepard clenched her jaw, but he didn't flinch from her leveled stare.

He stepped up to her. "Come on. I love you. Don't push me away now." He framed her face with his hands and smiled. "Don't worry about my letters. I'm exactly where I want to be."

He kissed her. His lips moved slowly, a soft insistence. The tension stiffening her spine melted. She curled her fingers under his elbows and pulled him tight her body. Dammit she was weak, but he was so earnest. There was no doubt he meant it. If he said this was where he wanted to be, it was true. Shepard drew his breath into her lungs with deepening thirst and kissed him back. Selfishly, she didn't want him anywhere else either.

XXX

Arm draping his forehead, Kaidan's eyelashes lay still above his cheeks as his chest rose and fell in a slow rhythm. Blue energy veiled the window above them. The light undulated over his features giving Shepard a warm feeling as she watched it. She hadn't had this much to lose since that harvest afternoon on Mindoir over fifteen years ago now, the day she first saw death. She traced a finger down a vein in Kaidan's bicep. She had gone so long with nothing and now she had everything to lose again. She had this ship, her friends, this beating heart beside her. Everything was safe, just for a moment. Kaidan's lips curved up.

"You're awake?" Shepard lifted her head.

His eyes slit open. "You're tickling my arm."

"You're a dainty sleeper. I barely touched you."

A smile brightened his eyes. "Good morning."

"It's not morning." Shepard twisted to see the clock on her night stand. "It's the middle of the night."

"Middle of the night?" Kaidan sat up on an elbow and rubbed his eyes. "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? You didn't have dinner."

"I'm okay." Shepard rooted around in the covers and held up a torn protein bar wrapper. Kaidan frowned at the foil in her fingertips. He twisted to look at the back of his arm.

"I am sleeping in crumbs." He brushed off a sprinkle of crumbs. A few half-hearted grumbles she couldn't understand, then he was sliding out of bed. "Come on. Let's get something real to eat."

"I have more protein bars." Shepard scooted to the edge of her bed. "I think you just like the midnight thrill of raiding the mess during afterhours."

"Hey, if you didn't want to get caught raiding the mess, you never should have gone for a bad boy."

Shepard snorted. "You know, last time I was down there stealing food during nightshift, I ran into Javik. Said my hands would have been cut off in his cycle."

"Yeah, well. He told me more than just my hands would have been cut off for being intimate with the commanding officer."

"Ooh. I hope we run into him again then. Knife block for both of us."

Kaidan cringed. Shepard scooped her T-shirt off the floor.

"Lead the way, Bad Boy."

XXX

"Eggs?" Shepard poked at the yellow fluff on her plate.

Kaidan slid down on the bench across from her. "Better than a MRE, right?"

"Marginally." She rested her chin on a fist. "I thought you're going to make me something."

"I did. Eggs."

"I wanted beef, bacon, and beer."

"Snoop around the kitchen. You'll find your options are canned lima beans, outdated spam, and freeze-dried prunes. Be happy for the eggs."

Shepard stabbed her fork into her eggs. She chewed open-mouthed for emphasis.

"Never graduated finishing school, did you?" Kaidan waved his fork at her. "Crumbs in your bed. This. Not even a thank you for scrambling you eggs. I could have opened a can of beets and set it in front of you."

Shepard smiled over a mouthful of eggs. She reached across the table and squeezed his wrist. "Thanks. They're good. You know I'm just … egging you on."

"And my decalf-entated joke was an embarrassment?" Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He leaned forward. "You have egg on your face."

Shepard narrowed her eyes. Her fingers itched to touch her cheek.

"The conflict." Kaidan grinned. "Is he being figurative? Literal? Will checking make him insufferably smug?" He took a bite off his fork and dragged it out between his teeth.

"You're already intolerably smug." Shepard jammed another forkful into her mouth.

"You still want to check, though, don't you?"

"Don't provoke a food fight, Alenko. Do you know how bad I want to get egg on _your_ face?"

"This a scale one to a dozen?"

Shepard bumped his foot under the table. "You're a smart ass. You're like this now, what were you growing up with a sister?"

"Probably worse, but she's pretty smart ass herself. Don't feel bad for her."

"Before six hours ago, I didn't even know you had a sister."

Kaidan dropped his fork and took a sip of coffee. "I've mentioned her before. Haven't I?"

"No." Shepard's eyes followed the coffee mug back to the table. She looked at the dribble left in her own cup. "You got us decaf, right?"

Kaidan frowned down at his mug, then twisted and squinted at the counter.

"You weren't so scrambled, you used the red bag, right?" Shepard followed his eyes.

"I used what was out. Traynor and Joker had coffee at dinner."

"That was six hours ago. You don't think anything's moved around?" Shepard spun out of her chair and shot to the counter. "The red bag. Kaidan! This is what night shift had out."

"Oh." Kaidan lifted his mug, evaluated the damage, and then picked up her cup to compare. "That changes things."

XXX

Shepard gazed up at Kaidan. He stroked her hair idly, his eyes fixed on the observation window. She was starting to feel sleepy again. The eggs were settling in her stomach. Her heart beat slow and hard to the rhythmic brush of his fingertips on her temple. With her head on Kaidan's lap and the stars glittering before them, it couldn't get more peaceful on a military vessel.

"Where's she live?"

"Hmm?" Kaidan's eyes dropped to her face.

"Your sister. This person I've never heard about. She's not in Vancouver?"

"I wish she was at the orchard with Mom." Kaidan's eyebrows bunched. "She lives in Nashville. A teacher. I haven't heard anything. Last I heard, Mom hadn't either."

Shepard pulled his hand away from stroking her hair and interlocked their fingers. "You're worried?"

"She was due two months ago."

"Due?" Shepard jolted. "Pregnant?"

Kaidan looked away. "Yeah."

"That's a big deal. Why haven't you said anything?"

"You have enough to worry about without adding more. Plus, there's nothing you could do. I know it frustrates you not being able to fix that sort of thing."

"I still want to know."

"You worry about everyone else's worries. Let me worry about yours."

"By not sharing your worries with me?"

"That's not true. I told you about my dad, my mom, my students. After a certain point, I'd just rather be the one listening than piling on more. I thought you, at least, knew she existed. I haven't mentioned her since the attack maybe, but before then."

Shelard chewed her lower lip. He had a big family. It was possible he'd mentioned his sister. Early on when first serving on the SR-1, she may not have recognized the importance of remembering such a detail, because she hadn't recognized the importance of him. Yet. Whether he had mentioned his sister or not, he was confiding in Shepard now. He was obviously worried.

"You know," Shepard put brightness in her voice. "There are plenty of medical providers in the urban shelters. I'm sure she's okay. The baby too."

Kaidan gave a wan smile. "True, and Rob's there for her, their two girls. Kate's tough. I'm sure you're right." His gaze drifted back to the stars, but the frown settled back on his face.

Shepard sat upright. "Hey. You're making me feel guilty not knowing all this stuff about you. Sister, brother-in-law, nieces. What else don't I know?" She twisted on the bench to face him.

Kaidan smiled sideways at her. "That's about it. All my secrets."

"There's got to be more." Shepard folded her legs on the bench and pulled his hand into her lap. "How about … Hmm. What did you want to be when you grew up?"

"What?"

"We ever end up on a couples' game show, I need to know the basics." Shepard settled her knees more comfortably and looked him in the eye. "Don't hold out on me. What did you want to be?"

"What did _you_ want to be?"

"Make me go first, huh? Fine. What did I want to be when I grew up? Well, not a farmer. Not a biologist or ecosystem engineer." Shepard ran her thumb nail along the side of Kaidan's finger. "I didn't know what I wanted to be. I only knew I wanted to be in charge."

Kaidan's smile stretched. "You had your calling young."

"Ha, yeah, I guess." Shepard considered the idea. "When I think about it, I could have gone a lot of different ways. Could have ended up commanding a ship of pirates or smugglers, being in charge of a team of Terminus System mercs. Who knows? But instead, fate put me on the straight and narrow."

"You realized the good you could do by joining the Alliance?"

"Wish it was that altruistic. I saw a chance to punish the bad guys. By eighteen, I'd been imagining it for two years. I just needed a gun, a ride, and the galaxy's blessing. I cared a lot more about who I punished than who I helped."

Kaidan rotated to face her and pulled his knee onto the bench. "You care about people, Shepard."

"Not always. I went a long time not caring. After Akuze, when they told me the thresher maw was dead, I felt nothing. It surprised me. I wanted it dead so badly, but its death didn't bring them back. It didn't dry anyone's tears at the funeral. All those years fighting the bad guys, making the evil bastards of the galaxy pay, it never filled anything inside of me."

"But helping people did?"

Shepard studied their hands clasped together in her lap and nodded. "My first tour after Akuze, there was a colony under attack in the Attican. A system gang that had been extorting protection money was unhappy when it ran out. My unit chased the butchers out of the settlement. The gang scurried into the forest like rats into a wood pile. I had a fresh clip. I could have killed more of them. I could have even prevented them reaching their ship, if I was fast. True justice, right?"

"But?"

"But there was a kid, a boy, twelve or eleven maybe, pinned out in the open. Gunfire being exchanged right on top of him, grenades tearing up the soil around him. The gang leaders were fleeing, but the boy was right there. So close. I saved him instead."

Kaidan put his other palm over their hands. Shepard met his eyes.

"You know something," Shepard said. "When I saw the Alliance fight on Mindoir, I wanted to fight alongside them. I knew right then. I had this feeling, I should be a part of it. I thought it was so I could make the bastards pay who did things like that. But I was wrong. It wasn't about that. It was so I could be the one who got there sooner than help came for me. It was about helping the helpless, not killing the worthless. I wanted my family back. Wanted what happened to them to mean something bigger by my actions going forward. But it wasn't dealing death like I thought, it was saving life. That gave meaning to it. Gave me meaning."

Kaidan touched her cheek. "Shepard, your family would be amazed what you've done. You've made them proud a hundred times over."

Shepard's lips tickled with the beginning of a smile. She kissed her palm.

"What about you?" she said. "Your dad was military. This is what you always wanted to do?"

"After what happened at Brain Camp? No." Kaidan's fingertips traced down her jaw. He covered their hands with his palm again. "I always liked tech. I majored in engineering at the university in Vancouver. I think I've told you that."

"Engineer Alenko?" Shepard cocked her head with a soft smile. "You wanted to map power grids and design Omni-Tools?"

"Something a little more exotic maybe. Off world. There were companies that contracted all over space, colonies or urban worlds. Variety of tech systems, challenging, a lot of movement and chance to see things. Opportunities to be on the edge of the unknown connecting comm systems and terra forming energy platforms."

"Not a bad gig."

"I didn't think so. The right company, I could be working with interspecies engineers, learning with new technologies, applying outside ideas. See the galaxy, the cultures, the worlds."

"Then what happened?"

"Well …" Kaidan drew his hands away and fidgeted with the boot propped on his knee. "After Jump Zero and everything that happened, you can probably guess. I didn't know what to do with that part of myself. I wanted to be normal. I enrolled in the engineering program at VU. As students failed and dropped out of the program, the ones of us who pulled through became close. By the third year, we left the engineering dorms. We roomed together in a large house on the edge of campus. We studied together, went out together. I even stayed with some of their families."

Kaidan rolled the boot lace between his fingertips. Shepard shifted on the bench and waited.

"And?" she prompted softly.

Kaidan hesitated but met her eyes. "The summer after our third year, there was an applied internship program. Prestigious, competitive. Teams submitted grant applications and project binders. GPA, extracurriculars, interviews. Our team was one of the teams selected. There were ten of us working on the project proposal. We all moved to Boston for the summer and first part of the fourth semester."

"Something went wrong with your project?"

"No." Kaidan chewed the corner of his lip then sighed. "Four months into the internship in Boston, I was at the lab. We all were. We were starting to get into the software application, running tests, joking around. I can't even remember. Men showed up for me."

"Men?"

Kaidan leaned an elbow on the back of the bench and touched his forehead. "I forgot to register. Forgot to inform the Bureau I changed residences, left the BC area. The Biotic Registration Bureau had tracked me down. They showed up at the lab since they didn't know where I was staying."

"They made a scene?" Shepard ventured.

"They were polite enough, I guess." Kaidan eyed her for a moment, then sat up straight. He cleared his throat. "You see, I had never told anyone. Told anyone I was a biotic. Maybe they could have recognized it if they knew anything about biotics, but you know how it was, it was new. I'd never met another biotic myself outside of Brain Camp. It was rare, unknown, stigmatized. I just wanted to be normal. I felt like it shouldn't matter. I didn't use my biotics. I had good control, never flared. It was like they didn't exist, at least, from the outside. Maybe I was in denial or caught up in being what I wanted to be instead of what I was, but either way, the result was the same. The Biotics Registration Bureau showed up for me. My friends, my best friends I'd done everything with for three years, they were shocked."

Shepard reached over and gripped his forearm. "They turned their back on you? Because you were a biotic?"

"They turned their backs on me, but not because I was a biotic. What they might have thought of me being a biotic, I'll never know. I never gave them a chance to find out. They rejected me, not because I was a biotic, but because for three years I never told them."

"You weren't lying."

"Yeah, but I wasn't telling the truth either. We finished the project. After the internship, I finished the fourth year by myself. I saw them in class, but there wasn't any going back."

"You dropped out?"

"No," Kaidan said sharply. "Of course not. I finished my degree."

"But your plans to join a galactic tech company?"

"That last semester changed a lot of things. My dad …" Kaidan grinned at the floor. "My dad never quite gave up on the military angle. More than his own experience, I think he knew what I couldn't accept: that it was a place where my being different wasn't a liability but an asset. Where this part of myself I wanted to leave behind could actually be used for something good instead of just alienating me, scaring or hurting people. I think he knew it was the best path for me to accept myself, even be proud of it. I could belong somewhere, find meaning, help people, see the galaxy. Really, in a lot of ways, the perfect fit."

"Your dad brought it up to you again?"

"He'd never stopped, but that last semester he knew I was struggling. I think he knew all his talk about the Alliance only made me dig my heels deeper. I had said 'no' so long, it was almost on principal then." Kaidan laughed and rubbed his forehead. "There was a chink in my armor now though. I'd lost everything I thought I'd made since Jump Zero. I felt lost again.

"My dad had a spur-of-the-moment errand with an Alliance chum one morning. He'd picked me up from campus, a holiday or something. I was already strapped in when he told me. I swear he waited for the click of the seatbelt, then it was, 'Oh, I just remembered. Told Chisholm I'd drop by with his book while he's in town training the incoming officers.' We could both see through the story. He knew I knew, but we just pretended. I turned on my Omni-Tool and said, 'Whatever. Just roll a window down for me and don't take forever.'"

Shepard chuckled and flicked his shoulder. "Your stubborn streak is well worn, I see."

"Went pretty deep." Kaidan laughed. "But, uh, I think I come by it naturally. My dad must have known what I'd say. He said he had to return a book, but when we got to the academy, all of a sudden it was books. Not two books or three books, boxes of books. Five or six boxes stacked to the top. I remember just standing there with the hatch up and muttering, 'What the hell?' I even started digging down and reading titles to make sure it wasn't filler. I expected to see my mom's old harlequins or something else off the shelf from home, but it was all military-related. He couldn't haul in six boxes of books by himself, so I helped him. Conveniently, we took a very winding and slow path to Chisholm's classroom. Dad kept pointing out different areas. I kept saying, 'Are we going in circles? I've seen that plant before.'"

"And when you reached your dad's friend?"

"What do you know, he's in the middle of an applied skills class for sentinels. Up to that moment, I didn't even know sentinels existed, a fusion of tech and biotics. I stood against the wall, sighed, and looked around a lot. I shifted the boxes in my arms and checked the time. But I didn't forget what I saw. Dad was ready with all sorts of scripted 'off-the-cuff' questions for Chisholm about his teaching, the officer's academy, sentinels, biotics. Dad introduced us."

Shepard beamed at him. "Got over your stubbornness?"

"Yeah, I mean, I took my time about it. Couldn't fold right away. I looked into it, networked, met with some other biotic officers. I swore Captain Chisholm to secrecy. He agreed not to tell my dad, but let me audit a week of his classes. Later, do you know what Chisholm told me?"

"What?"

"He said that morning, the morning I was picked up, my dad showed up to borrow Chisholm's books. He took the whole bookcase worth. Even had a student haul it to the skycar with him. That was 0900. Then he picked me up at 0930. We brought them straight back. After I found that out, I didn't feel nearly as bad taking my time. When I had my paperwork in order, just needed to push the button, I went home for the weekend to tell him."

"Your dad was probably thrilled."

Kaidan grinned. "I set down my bag, and Mom gave me a big hug. When she stepped back, she asked if I'd heard back from the recruiter, then she slapped a hand over her mouth. Turns out, Dad knew what I was doing the whole time. I would have been mad, but I could see what it meant to him. I was so fixated on avoiding an 'I told you so' and making clear it was my own decision, I never thought about it just making him proud. He broke out the expensive whiskey from the top shelf. Then we sat on the balcony, drank, and talked a long time.

"A lot of things changed from that point out for me. One of those things was with my dad. Up to then, I was a kid. An adult, but a kid in a lot of ways. After I joined, things were different. He was still my dad, of course. I looked up to him, respected what he had to say, but we were friends too. More equal footing. I went from fighting him and trying to prove myself, to appreciating his advice. I wanted his advice. He could see what was better for me sometimes than I could see for myself. Everything with the Alliance proved that."

Air thickened in Shepard's throat. "I'm sorry he's MIA, Kaidan."

"I'm sorry about your family, too, Shepard."

She fell forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He brushed the hair back from her face and kissed her lips. She crawled over him. He pulled back from the kiss with a tense laugh and looked over at the door.

"It's almost morning, you know," he said.

"Come upstairs with me." Shepard tugged him to his feet. "You said you're exactly where you want to be, right?"

"With you."

"I'm exactly where I want to be too." She grabbed his face with both hands. "With you. I don't want your family ever reading those letters, but I'm glad you're with me. I need someone making me eggs. You're my best friend, Kaidan. More than a best friend. More than anyone's ever been to me."

Kaidan's breath sharpened. "You're that for me too. Always."

"Always." Shepard pecked his lips.

They burst from the lounge and shot to the elevator.


	22. Chapter 22

The Cerberus lab burned. Light danced in Shepard's face and cast moving shadows on the trees.

"Another cold planet." Shepard huffed a breath of visible air and wrapped her arms around herself.

Garrus and Liara flanked her in their frosted armor. The lab's inner tower exploded in a plume of black smoke and rattled the ice in the evergreen branches overhead. Shepard's ears rang.

"Good riddance," Garrus hissed.

"I really hoped we'd find Kai Leng here," Liara said. "After you recruited the Leviathan, it felt like luck was turning our way."

"Luck," Garrus scoffed. He hefted his rifle over his back. "There's no luck. Only skill and chance."

"Isn't that luck?" Liara asked.

"Let's get out of here." Shepard kicked a chunk of ice skittering across the open field. The Cerberus base disappeared into the billowing smoke becoming a shadowed outline, a thin memory of haunted halls and hastily gutted data servers. "I have another lead anyway. Let's go."

Shepard turned into the frozen canopy without waiting for them. A shuttle shook the branches overhead.

Cortez's voice came into her ear. "There's a clearing a few meters ahead, Commander. I'm setting down."

Mist curled through the shadowy tree trunks up ahead.

Shepard touched her ear. "The shuttle all right? You're giving off steam."

"That's not the shuttle, Commander."

It didn't smell like fire to be smoke. Shepard drew a deep breath of cold air. A vague sulfur scent mixed with the smell of ice and cold tree sap.

"Tali's going to be disappointed she missed more snow," Garrus said at her back.

"I've seen too much of it," Liara said softly. "It reminds me of what happened on Noveria."

"Joker needs a few hours to unload the static charge." Shepard glanced back at Garrus. "No reason to not stretch our legs. Sweet talk Cortez just right, he might bring you both down."

"That would be very romantic." Liara gave a small smile.

Garrus narrowed his eyes. "Are you suggesting something?"

"Oh, no! I just … Well, I - If I misunderstood, I'm sorry." Liara's footsteps quicked. She came up beside Shepard. "It was Shepard I meant."

"It was Shepard I meant?" Shepard snorted. "Nice save. Garrus and I both know what you meant."

Garrus clicked his mandibles. "Tali and I are … close friends. Colleagues really. Could even say associates through a common interest."

"Wow." Shepard puffed air out in a cloud. "Bit of regression there, Garrus. Close friends, colleagues, common interest business associates? What's next? Elevator-riding forced acquaintances?"

"Forced acquaintances?" Garrus pulled his head back indignantly. He stopped walking. "Tali, she's, uh … She's very … Well, you know. And sometimes I …"

"What?" Shepard pushed.

"She's very pleasant company, but …"

"But?" Liara prompted.

Garrus's eyes shifted between them. "Why're we talking about me? Shepard's right here. Let's talk about Shepard being unromantic."

"Unromantic?" Shepard said. "What's more unromantic than not being in a romance? I have Kaidan."

"And?" Garrus said flatly.

Shepard jabbed a finger at him. "I realize you're getting me off topic, but for the record, since we're going there, I am very romantic."

"Very romantic?" Garrus folded his arms. "You chased him around the cargo bay trying to snap him with a towel."

"I'm not claiming that's romance. Other stuff. You know."

"Like what?" Liara stepped closer.

Shepard gave a vague wave. "You know. Come on. Don't make me spell it out, guys."

"There's more to romance," Liara said. "What else?"

"Lit a candle in my cabin once. Granted, the hamster cage needed cleaning, but nothing wrong with hitting two birds with one stone."

"You are the spirit of romance," Garrus said.

"Wait!" Shepard said triumphantly. "The Citadel apartment has a hot tub. There's your romance."

"Were there bubbles?" Liara asked.

"Why? That's just for the vids to avoid a higher rating."

"Candles?" Liara tried again.

"Didn't have my lemon one yet, so no."

"Music?" Garrus asked.

"No and no. Stop asking me. You can't be satisfied, either of you. There was wine."

Garrus cocked his head as it considering it, but Liara folded her arms.

"That's a poor effort, Shepard."

"Achieved what I wanted." Shepard started toward the shuttle, but a pang of uncertainty curled in her belly. "You ask me, Garrus, you're being a little high and mighty for someone afraid to-"

"I'm not afraid."

"Then what?" Shepard slowed to bring him alongside. "You had a nice dinner a while back. You're friends. You know she likes you."

"Likes me?" Garrus straighted. "You mean like a … No, no. She's said many times she values our _friendship_. Seemed too emphatic, but if you think ... Not that I - just curious, wondering really - but how do you-"

"Stop stammering. She's dropped enough hints."

"You really think …" Garrus's eyes unfocused on the trees ahead of them. "Hmm. Perhaps she would like to see the snow. More than hold it. Really see it."

"And you, Shepard?" Liara asked catching up on her other side.

"'You, Shepard' what?"

"You said you're very romantic. What are your plans?"

Cortez's voice crackled in Shepard's ear. "Getting little hot here, Commander. Are you in route?"

"Getting hot?" Shepard stopped Garrus and Liara with her arms and tore out a pistol. "More troopers? Dammit. Where, Cortez?"

"No. Temperature hot."

"Temperature hot?" Shepard repeated and frowned at the snow under her boot. "See, you two. Cortez is succumbing to the final stages of hypothermia, because you wanted to grill me on romance."

"You grilled me," Garrus said.

"It's painful watching you watch Tali. It's painful watching Tali watch you. You need a little kick in the ass. Consider it served." Shepard motioned them forward. "Back to the mother ship."

Garrus cleared his throat and hustled after her. "What has she said?"

Shepard grunted and picked up her pace. Fog thickened in the ground cover as they drew closer, a moist heat. Maybe Cortez wasn't losing it after all.

"What's this?" Liara said.

They crunched out into a small clearing fringed by melting pine needles. The shuttle, door already open, waited on the shiny surface of icy rock.

"Is that a hot spring?" Liara shot into the thickest part of the mist. There was something gleaming inside. Liara dropped onto her heels by a pool of aquamarine water steaming in the ice sheet.

"Liara!" Shepard slipped across the ice to reach her. "That might be dangerous."

"It's safe," Liara said. "I can see on my HUD: pH, temperature, microbial composition. It's a hot spring. A safe one."

Garrus stopped next to Shepard. He booted a splatter of snow into the water leaving a misting ripple.

"You humans like this?" Garrus said.

"So do asari," Liara said. She gave Shepard a meaningful look. "It's very romantic."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I have no need to outdo my lemon candle. Let's go. Garrus, you should invite Tali down while we're discharging energy. I won't let Joker leave you."

"Perhaps, but not here." Garrus lifted his eyes to the mountains. "Maybe some place high. With a view. See the snow and trees below, she'd like that. Could be …" He hesitated then added. "Romantic."

Shepard bit her tongue but couldn't help the smile breaking through. They loaded into the shuttle.

XXX

"How're you feeling?" Shepard closed the lounge door behind her.

Kaidan turned away from the observation window. "Hey."

His smile was sleepy and weak but genuine. A datapad hung limp at his side.

"Thought you might still be up in the cabin sleeping it off." Shepard crossed the room to him.

"How was it down there? Learn anything?"

"Troopers purged the servers when we triggered the alarm. No sign of Leng."

Kaidan frowned. "I'm sorry."

"I have another lead." Shepard stopped in front of him. His hair was a little mussed on the right side from a pillow. She caressed his arm. "Migraine's gone?"

"Yeah. Mostly." Kaidan touched her waist. He studied her eyes with a deepening grin. "I love you flushed and bright-eyed after a fight."

"Good, 'cause I get into a lot of 'em."

"You make dirt, sweat, and blood sexy."

"Hey. I showered."

"Shame. That's five minutes sooner I could have seen you."

Shepard patted his chest with a chuckle. He was always such a romantic. Her smile faltered.

"So, uh, that lemon candle. The one upstairs." Shepard adjusted his collar. "You like it, right? Nice mood lighting or whatever?"

"Covers the smell of the hamster cage well enough. Why?"

Shepard's lips pressed. Despite what everyone thought, she could be romantic, too, dammit. If he could say sappy things, she would follow suit. She cleared her throat and tugged on his collar until he met her eyes.

"Kaidan, you're … You have a nice ass."

Kaidan's laugh blurted into her face.

"I mean it!" Shepard said.

Kaidan stifled his laughter quickly, maybe seeing her serious expression. He swallowed his smile and nodded gravely. "Why thank you. You have a fine one yourself. I'd know. Put in a lot of hours of study. Not all of them off-duty."

Shepard sighed. "That's … dammit. You even compliment my ass better than me."

"You haven't even tried. Compliment your ass right now. I'm sure it will be lovely."

"That's not what I mean."

Shepard shoved him away with both hands. He didn't even budge, only grinned widder.

"I'm trying to be …" She waved at him. "You know."

"Not really, but I appreciate the compliment."

Shepard growled and twisted away. Kaidan snatched after her, but she paced out of his reach. She was romantic! Damn Garrus putting this seed of insecurity in her head. She had the lemon candle. She complimented him. Maybe she should buy chocolates? Flowers? Lingerie? All of the above? He'd need romance-detox after she got done with him.

"What's the matter?" Kaidan chuckled. He reached for her again and this time caught her wrist. "Hey, you're sweet appreciating how I look. I didn't mean to make fun."

"Sweet," Shepard spat, "but not romantic."

"No," Kaidan said quickly. "That was romantic."

"No, it wasn't. I can tell. What was wrong with it?"

"Here." He kissed her. Her heart fluttered before he pulled away. "See, that's romantic."

Shepard considered it then shook her head. "It can be more than that. Liara's right."

"Liara?"

She needed an idea, something good. Romantic, romantic, romantic … Shepard froze. Yes, that would work. Liara was a genius.

"Shepard …"

"Prepare to be romanced." Shepard pointed at him. "I'll romance you so thoroughly, you'll melt into a puddle. Then I'll carry you back in a pail."

"Back from where?"

"Give me a few minutes, and you'll find out."

XXX

Kaidan held his helmet and gazed across the shuttle at Tali and Garrus. Metal rattled around them as they entered the planet's atmosphere. Overhead, Shepard swayed on feet holding tight to the ceiling handle.

"Almost there, Commander," Cortez called from the front.

Kaidan sat back, his armor thumping against the steel wall of the shuttle. This wasn't what he'd expected. When Shepard summoned him to the cargo bay, he had still been thinking about their conversation. Seeing her waiting by the shuttle had made his heart jump. Then he realized what had her attention, Garrus and Tali already inside. It took a second for her to notice Kaidan.

"Get suited up, Alenko. Stop lollygagging." She'd clapped her hands at him but with a wink.

That had only confused him more. He was confused now. He checked the heat clip on his Talon then reviewed the cryo weapon updates on his 'Tool. They were all properly installed. He was ready. Ready for what, he had no idea. She hadn't briefed him.

Garrus didn't have the new scope on his black widow. Kaidan frowned. He squinted at it. The round mods weren't lit up on the hilt, and he only had one extra heat clip on his belt. He always had at least four. Tali, on the other hand, looked ready as ever. She had her Omni-Tool already blinking with preset attack sequences. The shuttle lurched, and Kaidan braced himself.

"Setting down, Commander."

"Little rough of a landing." Shepard moved up by Cortez's chair. "Ah. See why."

"I don't want to settle too deep. Fortunately, it looks compacted already."

Compacted? Kaidan grabbed the wall and started to stand, but Garrus knocked into him crowding the door. Garrus threw open the door. Tali squealed.

"Snow!"

Kaidan steadied to his feet again. From the sliver he could see looking around Garrus, it was quite the view. They were on a mountain top. Mist hung on the rocky peaks in the distance. The horizon cast a soft, red glow over the glittering expanse of untouched snow.

They had landed on a mountain peak at sunset. The timing was too perfect. Kaidan's hand slacked on the hilt of his pistol. He tried to catch Shepard's eye but she was either avoiding his gaze purposefully or truly engrossed in the view herself.

"It's beautiful." Tali squeezed her hands together and bounced on her toes. "So white and soft-looking."

Kaidan shuffled closer to Shepard. "Concern for hostiles in the area, Commander?"

Shepard met his eyes. "None."

That was enough for Tali. She leaped into the snow with a powdery poof. Garrus was quick to follow.

"Don't get complacent," Shepard called.

Garrus patted the rifle on his shoulder. "This will scare off wild life. Or any Cerberus stragglers."

"With my Omni-Tool, I could probably disrupt one of those icefields," Tali tapped the screen up on her wrist. "What's it called? An avalanche? That could take down a whole squad."

"Uh, let's avoid avalanches for now." Garrus pulled her arm away from the 'Tool. His talons slid to her hand and didn't let go. Tali stared at the clasped hands.

"In case you slip," Garrus added in a rush, but Tali pulled hand away. Garrus's shoulders slumped. She slid her arm around his boney waist instead.

"In case there's a snow beast. You'll need both hands to shoot." She nested under his arm. "This way, when I slip, you can still go down with me."

Garrus's mandibles clicked. "I, well, I - yes, I agree. This is a safe arrangement, I suppose - that is, you like -"

"Garrus." Shepard leaned out from the edge of the shuttle.

Whatever look she gave him Kaidan couldn't see, but Garrus's chest puffed out and his back straightened.

"So magical here," Tali said.

"I was hoping you'd find it … romantic."

Tali's mask whipped to Garrus's face. "I do find it … romantic."

Garrus's eyes lit up, and Tali's grip tightened around his waist. They turned from Kaidan and Shepard, still standing in the shuttle, and started toward the sunset hand in hand.

They had a good enough head start now for Kaidan and Shepard to follow discretely. Kaidan stepped onto the ledge.

"No you don't." Shepard pushed him back with her arm and slammed the shuttle door shut.

"Shepard!"

The sunset had been deepening. The light had just started to intensify on the snow caps. Now he was staring at a metal wall. Disappointment crept into his blood.

"Hey." Shepard smacked his shoulder. "Don't worry. There's a view coming up you'll like just as well."

Kaidan's heart sped up. "Just as much or more? This isn't a ground mission, is it?"

"Not in the typical sense." She bit her bottom lip and grinned.

"Why the armor then?"

"Better to be armed and ready just in case, right? Especially if your shuttle's not at hand."

Kaidan glanced at the back of Cortez's head.

"Hmm." His smile widened more than he really wanted to show. The self-satisfied gleam in Shepard's eye made it worth being transparent.

"Coming up on the drop off point, Commander," Cortez said.

The shuttle set down. Kaidan's insides buzzed with anticipation. It may as well be Christmas morning when he was a kid. Shepard opened the door, and a blast of hot, humid air hit him in the face. The snow was melted around a clearing covered in fog. The mist was coming from the ground, from - Kaidan's heart stopped - a hot spring.

"Your eyes are glowing without using biotics," Shepard said.

She dragged him out of the shuttle by the hand. Once his knees unlocked and blood started again, he was quick to overtake her.

"Have fun." Cortez strained to see them from the front seat. "Call me when you need me, Commander."

The shuttle ruffled their hair as it lifted overhead, but Kaidan couldn't take his eyes off of her.

Shepard played with the latch on his shoulder. "You can't go for a dip in all that armor, Major. You'll sink to the bottom."

"You're sure that pool's safe?" Kaidan nodded at the pool half concealed in mist. With the pine canopy crystalized in frost and pink from the sunset glistening in the placid water, it felt like being in a vid. Only better, because it was real and Shepard was part of it.

"Am I sure it's safe?" Shepard echoed. "I was planning to push you in first. See how it goes."

"Are we voting on this plan?"

"Nope."

"Guess I'll just say 'aye, aye' then." Kaidan unclipped his gauntlets.

Shepard made quick work tearing off her own metal plating. Left with only under armor, they tiptoed to the misty water. The hot spring covered more area than Shepard's entire cabin, and Shepard's cabin was huge. The water's faint blue hue mixed with twilight looked like runoff from a water coloring.

"This is amazing," Kaidan said.

Shepard squirmed out of her undersuit, one arm at a time, and swung it onto the rocks behind them. Kaidan gave her an admiring appraisal.

"You're right. Can't beat the view," Kaidan said.

"After you." Shepard waggled her eyebrows.

Kaidan pulled off his underarmor and tiptoed to the edge of the water. Shepard bunched in behind him. The pool looked deep but not enough that either of them couldn't be standing.

Kaidan lowered his foot slowly toward the water. In the corner of his vision, Shepard raised onto the ball of feet to see. His toe dipped in. He screamed. Shepard slammed him sideways with a strangled cry. She clawed at him trying to see into his face. Their eyes met. She froze.

"Did you - Ah! Kaidan!" She shoved him back a step.

"Sorry." Kaidan laughed. "I didn't actually expect that level of response."

"You're lucky I didn't send you spinning with my biotics. Dammit, Kaidan." She wacked his arm with the back of her hand for good measure. "What kind of reaction were you expecting when I've boiled your foot off in a primordial alien hot spring?"

"Uh." Kaidan scratched the back of his neck. "I didn't really think it through. Maybe it's the vapors."

"This pool is perfectly safe." Shepard reassured, seemingly including herself. She pulled him back to the pool. "Liara assured me it's safe."

"Dr. T'Soni's certified Hot Spring Seal of Safety? All in." Kaidan took a wide step to the side and dropped into the pool.

"Wait!" Shepard drew a sharp breath.

The water stung his skin. It was almost painful, but only from the heat. It lapped at his shoulders. The splash left water beading his vision. He blinked it away as his body adjusted to the temperature.

"What's the matter?" Kaidan brushed wet hair back from his face. "Still a part of you worried it wasn't safe?"

"No, I just … You put doubt in my head. I wanted to get in first."

"Gotta make up your mind quicker. Come on in."

Shepard backed up with a grin and took a running leap. The splash nearly drowned him. Heat washed over him in a wave. He spit water out of his mouth and grubbed his eyes. When she came up, she gasped.

"Holy damn!" Her breathing was labored. "It's so hot. My blood's combusting."

"Mixing two hot things can be explosive."

Shepard pushed through the water to him. "Yes, let's mix two hot things."

Kaidan pulled her arms around his neck. Shepard touched their noses together and laughed.

"This more romantic than the apartment hot tub?"

"If I'm with you, the rest doesn't matter. This is nice though."

"You deserve it." Shepard worked her hands into his soppy hair. "Liara and Garrus made me feel guilty for not lighting candles and playing Beethoven in the background."

"Why're you even talking to them about it?"

"I was giving Garrus a hard time. Got the barrel swung around on me." She gazed around them in the steam. "This more romantic than a lemon candle?"

Kaidan laughed. "How can you hold a candle to this?"

"Clever." Shepard chuckled and twisted his hair around in her fingers. "What do you think? I just tell Cortez to give our regards. We live in this hot spring forever."

"Forever? I think Liara oversold you on the healing power of this pool."

"You know exactly what I mean. We'll live here permanently like amoebas."

"I wouldn't mind devolving into a pair of amoebas. It's beautiful here. I wish we had more moments like this. Us, alone, someplace calm and far away."

Her arms tightened around his neck, and she rested her cheek against the side of his face. Warm breath tickled his ear prickling all the way to his toes.

"Know what I thought when I first saw you?" Shepard whispered.

"What's that guy's name again? Jenkins or something?"

"No. Believe me, I remembered your name. Staff Lieutenant Alenko." She pulled back to look into his face. "The first time I saw you, I thought: This is the most gorgeous human being I've ever seen. Marines shouldn't look like that. The first time we talked, I'll admit, I was secretly hoping for a playboy vibe. You'd cut me off mid sentence to check your teeth and hair in a compact mirror. Or perhaps you'd have a macho marine attitude, the kind that would slap my butt if I was serving cocktails instead of the Alliance. Life would be so much easier if you were just a pretty face."

"Forgot my compact mirror that day. To know, I was that close to not being a disappointment."

"You were a big disappointment. Turned out, you were kind, humble, intelligent, surprisingly reflective. Now, you had commendations and Anderson had chosen you, so I knew you'd to be capable in the field. A part of me still held out for a lewd, quip under your breath when I made a decision you didn't like. But you were all focus. Steely, unshakable competence. You were straightforward, but respectful, and not afraid to speak up. No stuttering or backwheeling when it turned out your opinion differed from mine. I liked you immediately. I thought, dammit, this is going to be the longest tour of my life. Why me?"

Kaidan's cheeks ached from smiling so wide. It was broad enough, it grew Shepard's smile. She pressed a sudden wet kiss to his mouth.

"Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?" he asked.

"Wow, she looks like a hard ass."

"Well, that too, I guess. I thought you were beautiful, of course, but what struck me was your … presence, I guess, for a better word. You were so confident, not the power-instilled kind. You weren't arrogant, just self-assured. It was like you knew you could out-maneuver any obstacle. You were tactical, quick on your feet, unstoppable. Even being a biotic, you didn't act like it was anything to be judged by. And as a leader, you were encouraging, open to ideas, charismatic. You inspired and galvanized the whole team into one piece."

"Ah." Shepard pursed her lips. "So you were mesmerized by the great leader, Commander Shepard. The posters and vids did me justice?"

"It was more than that." Kaidan smoothed a hand down the back of her head. "I mean, that was my first impression, but it only grew. All of that made you a good CO, but you were more. To me. My other COs talked to me, of course. They always wanted to know about the L2, gauge what I brought against the liability, I guess. We'd discuss staffing, missions, swap stories from past postings. Sometimes something surfacey, like hometowns, family members, that sort of thing. I never had anyone, especially a CO, ask anything deeper. Not without an agenda anyway.

"I knew about Mindoir, Akuze. The whole galaxy did. In a way, I felt guilty knowing so many personal things about you without you telling me. And when I thought of what you went through, losing your family at sixteen ..."

Shepard's eyes had dulled. Kaidan felt a twinge of regret. Perhaps he shouldn't have said anything about her family.

"Go on." Shepard cleared her throat. "You can mention it. It's fine. Facts. The whole galaxy knows, like you said."

"Yeah, but …" He caressed her cheekbone with his thumb.

"Just go on. Unless that's where you're ending. You pitied me."

"I didn't pity you. At least, not in the negative way you frame it."

She gave him a sharp frown. He continued before she could speak.

"Look. I knew a lot about you, and when you asked questions about me, my past didn't seem so heavy. You cared and listened. Each bit more I gave, you made me feel better about. When I got to the heart of it, Rahana and how it left me, it was the first time I told it that way. It wasn't just the facts. It was the truth of everything."

Her eyes had softened. "I knew you were trusting me. I felt closer to you, understood better. You probably know, but I didn't have a lot of deep friendships like that. You let yourself be honest and vulnerable with me. I cared for you already, but sharing that with me, I knew it was real."

He pulled her tight to his chest and kissed her. Steam swirled in the air around them. It was indescribable feeling the satin of her skin while the twilight colors of an alien world gleamed in the water. This could be the moment he'd spend the rest of his life wishing he could relive.

"I love you," he whispered against her ear. "No matter what happens, I'm grateful you're in my life. The day I met you is the most important day of my life."

Shepard was quiet for a long time. When she spoke her voice was soft. "Life has never felt right without you, even before I realized there was something missing."

Kaidan pressed his lips to her temple. "See. You're romantic."

"Remember to tell Garrus."


	23. Chapter 23

Hackett's image faded away on the QEC. Shepard whipped around and bumped into Kaidan.

"Holy-Where'd you come from?" Shepard said.

Kaidan folded his arms. "Tali's been looking at my hair and giggling."

Shepard backed up. "How do you know where she's looking? She wears a mask."

"I asked. She said my hair."

Shepard put her hands on her hips and shrugged. "She say why?"

"All she'd say is, 'What? I haven't seen a picture.' Then she busied herself sorting the same datapads over and over."

"Weird. You checked the back of your head? Maybe you didn't get the bedhead out."

"Tali said _picture_. I never mentioned a picture. But there is a picture of me with a hamster in my hair." Kaidan stepped closer. "So guess what I showed her?"

Shepard gave a lazy shrug and waited. He studied her, a line wrinkling his brow.

"I showed her the Noveria picture," he qualified.

"Right. Figured."

Kaidan's frown deepened. "Wait. Why are you so – Oh no." He slapped a hand on his Omni-Tool. Shepard waited as he checked. He went rigid and looked up. "It's gone. Tali …"

"Missing something?" Shepard stretched her neck to see his screen.

"Strangely enough, yes. Digitally pickpocketed." Kaidan shook his head. "Donnelly, sure. But Tali? Knife's buried deep on this one."

"Your retaliatory reflexes shouldn't be so predictable there, Kaidan." Shepard patted his chest and moved around him.

Kaidan caught her wrist. "You put Tali up to it. She teased me about the hamster photo so I'd show her your Noveria picture. Then she stole it from me. For you."

Shepard yanked at her wrist, but he only held tighter. He reached for her Omni-Tool.

"Hey!" Shepard twisted against his grip. "We gonna tussel around the floor? You're not getting my Omni-Tool."

"If we didn't have an audience in the war room, then maybe. Just hey - don't - Ow!"

Shepard thrust him back with the sole of her boot. "Was that even a real attempt?"

Kaidan glanced at the open doorway to the war room. His eyes shifted back to her face.

"I'll find you alone eventually."

"Ha! Good," Shepard laughed. "No witnesses means I can biotically somersault you across the room and not feel bad about it."

Kaidan blazed blue. Shepard threw up her barrier just as the stasis field crackled over her.

"Not fast enough," she said.

Kaidan muttered under his breath and dropped his hand. Blue faded off his skin. "You really think your Noveria picture is safer with Tali than me? She stabbed _me_ in the back. Really trust her to just return it to you?"

Shepard paused. Her barrier fizzled away. A double cross hadn't even crossed her mind.

"Oh," Shepard said.

"Uh huh," Kaidan said. "I would have gone to my grave with that photo. Now Tali has it."

"Oh. I should- I'll just … Later."

Shepard swung to the door. She needed to touch base with Tali. Tali wouldn't make a copy. Would she? The stasis field hit her square in the back. Her muscles coiled, joints froze, and blue light blinded her vision.

Kaidan rounded her. "Just to prove a point, I could take your Omni-Tool. But I won't." Kaidan folded his arms. "Justice is probably already being served anyway. Donnelly and Daniels are probably laughing about your photo right now. The only person I've ever shown it to was Tali, because it was Tali … Donnelly, though ..."

Shepard flared her barrier and dropped out of stasis. She cartwheeled into him.

She jabbed a finger into his chest. "If I wasn't more worried about Donnelly right now, Kaidan, you'd be floating around the QEC like a lost balloon."

"I can make a barrier, too, you know."

Shepard thought for a minute then put her hands on her hips. "If I give you back the hamster pic, will you help me defeat Donnelly? Make sure I get that pic back from Tali with no hiccups?"

"I'm listening."

Shepard pulled up her Omni-Tool screen. "Here. An olive branch. I'll just give you your… Oh."

"What?"

Shepard snapped her screen down. "Later. We can settle up after."

"Where's my photo?" Kaidan said slowly.

Shepard sighed. "I got pickpocketed too."

"Double backstab. Oh, she's good."

"Tali didn't come up with this on her own. It's not Donnelly either. Too thought out. Gotta be-"

"Garrus."

"Joker."

They frowned at each other then blinked.

"Both," they said at the same time.

XXX

"That wasn't my only copy. You know that, right?" Kaidan shifted next to her in the elevator.

"You think that was _my _only copy?" Shepard turned to him.

"Yes."

"Dammit. It was." Shepard swung back to face the door. She shook her head. "Damn. It was so cute too. Of both of you."

"Both of us?" Kaidan sputtured. "That wasn't a family photo."

"I know that," Shepard said and folded her arms. "Didn't have the fish."

"Really?" Kaidan rolled his eyes.

"Didn't have me in it either. So many reasons it's not a family photo."

Kaidan eyed her sideways with a brightening smile. "So, if you were in it, it would qualify as a family photo?"

"No," Shepard glanced over at him. "You keep forgetting the fish."

The elevator stopped.

Kaidan touched her wrist. "I like the idea of a family photo."

"Good luck getting everyone not to blink." Shepard squeezed his fingers. "Let's get our photos back."

"This quarter of the family photo agrees." Kaidan smiled so wide, it made Shepard's heart thump.

"Come on, Quarter-of-the-Family-Photo." She burst out of the elevator, a smile growing on her lips.

EDI directed them to the portside lounge. Garrus and Joker were both there. Even better. Shepard stomped into the lounge with Kaidan flanking her.

"Busted." Shepard slapped a hand on the card table. A pile of chips fell over by James's elbow. "Joker, Garrus, James."

Three faces looked up at Shepard.

"Hey, Lola. Thought about inviting ya. Figured you were busy and all. Heard Hackett was on comm."

"Oh, act innocent. This isn't about that." Shepard pointed her finger at them and leaned forward on the table. "Where are the pictures?"

"Pictures of what?" Joker frowned.

"Don't play around. The pictures of us. Kaidan and me. I know Tali pinched them from our Omni-Tools. She didn't do it alone. Who has 'em?"

James's mouth fell open. His eyes darted between Kaidan and Shepard. "Pictures of you two doing what?"

Kaidan sighed and folded his arms. "You always have to go right there?"

"Doubt I'm alone, hombre. Anyone hearing this and not thinking that?"

"Sounded kinky," Joker agreed.

"You both seem embarrassed." Garrus studied them.

"Well, yeah, it's a picture of …" Shepard waved vaguely. "Nevermind. We want them back. Where are they?"

"Nada. Don't know what you're talking 'bout, Lola."

"Garrus?"

"Baffled."

"Joker?"

Joker leaned an elbow on the table. "Think I need a full description if you want me to remember seeing it."

"I'm not a six year old, Joker. Think that's going to work? Don't make me toss bunks and confiscate Omni-Tools."

"Uh, can you spell tyrant?" Joker said.

"Go on and check. I got nothin'." James tossed his Omni-Tool on the table in front of her. "I'd keep the images thumb nail sized unless you're meaning to see too much. Comprende?"

Shepard looked down at it but didn't move to take it.

"You said Tali took them?" Garrus said.

"They're embarrassing, huh?" Joker said.

"It's Kaidan with a hamster on his head, if you must know."

Joker sprayed spittle and pounded the table. James chuckled and eyed Kaidan with a widening grin.

"And your pic?" Garrus said.

"Just got caught at the wrong angle. Don't worry about it. You're all saying Tali came up with this on her own?"

"Tali stole your embarrassing photos? Why would she ..."Garrus's posture stiffened. He punched up the screen on his Omni-Tool. "Wait. Oh. Can't be. Spirits! She did it to me too."

"What?" Shepard said.

"It's an, uh … Well …" Garrus glanced around at them then lowered his voice. "I'm … I'm wearing a Iketel."

"A what?" Joker said.

"Iketel." Garrus hung his head. "Turian maidens wear them to parties. It was a joke. Some friends, and I was young. Spirits! Knew it was a bad move sharing a whole bottle of dextran wine. I showed her and now …"

Joker fidgeted in his chair. He covertly turned his Omni-Tool on under the table. His eyes bulged. "Oh, wait. EDI!"

"Yes, Jeff?" her voice came overhead.

"Tell me you deleted those photos."

"I will need more specific parameters to answer the question."

"You know, the photo of the … Come on! Remember?"

"That has not narrowed the search field."

"You showed them to Tali, didn't you? It's the, um …" Joker looked at them out of the corner of his eye then sighed. "That picture of me … You wanted me to relax."

James sucked air in between his teeth. "Don't wanna know."

"Every time." Kiadan waved at James.

"Jeff," EDI said. "To confirm. You are referring to your afternoon at the spa? Several photos were taken. Perhaps you are thinking of the pedicure with cucumbers on your eyes. Or perhaps it is the hot oil back massage? You seemed distressed to learn your masseuse had been a batarian male. Perhaps his large size intimidated you. It was beneficial you were unaware during the massage or it may have impaired relaxation. Involuntary vocal sounds indicated you found the experience highly pleasurable."

"EDI," Joker gagged. He avoided their eyes, red creeping up his neck. "Don't take photos without asking. Like, ever. And don't show them to anyone!"

"Noted."

"Tell me you're the one who deleted them."

"I did not. Tali vas Normandy downloaded and rerouted access permissions. As you were averse to the photos, I did not foresee losing access causing alarm."

All the eyes turned to James.

"What?" James said.

"You're not going to look?" Shepard flipped James's Omni-Tool back at him. James caught it.

"Don't need to look."

"You're that confident she didn't strike you too?" Shepard asked.

James shrugged. "Hey. Sparks asked to see my photos. I gave 'em to her."

"And you got no worries about that, man?" Joker asked barely lifting his eyes.

"She just asked you?" Garrus said.

"Yup. Said she was working on something or whatever. Just wanted her gone so I could finish my reps. Gave her my 'Tool. Said take whatever."

Liara burst into the lounge. "Shepard! EDI said you were in here. I … Oh. You're busy. I'll just … We can talk about this later."

"Missing a photo?" Shepard asked.

"Yes!" Liara blurted and wrung her hands. "I don't want to say, but it's a bad one."

"Aw, Doc," James said. "Something embarrassing, huh?"

"It's the worst one!" Liara paced. "It's so compromising. Silly really."

"Shows a lot of skin?" James offered.

"Yes! It was an accident. I sneaked past the roped off section of the Prothean museum in Amarli. One of the artifacts, well, I shouldn't have … It only lasted ten hours, but I worried it wouldn't go back. My skin. It turned … yellow." Liara hid her face in her hands. "It was very patchy. Parts of it glowed. I looked … it was … Oh, goddess. I've only ever showed one person aboard."

"Oh." James looked disappointed.

"You showed Tali?" Shepard said flatly.

Liara looked up from her hands. "Yes. How'd you know?"

Shepard pressed the comm in her ear. "Javik? Has Tali bothered you about anything lately? Maybe a photo or something?"

His voice cracked in the comm. "Ah, the human commander. Yes. The quarian insisted I wear a thing then took a photo and left. I just wanted her gone."

"What thing?"

"It was feathery. Had memories of that female engineer. Memories of nurses, cats, and witches."

"Gabby's boa," Shepard said. "Wore it at the Alliance party a few months ago. Javik, meet us in engineering. Everyone, let's move."

"We're in the middle of a game," James protested.

"I'm getting my pics back pronto." Joker wobbled to his feet.

"I trusted her." Garrus shook his head. He pushed to his feet. "Dextran wine, the whole bottle ..."

They jumbled into the elevator.

XXX

"Tali? Where is she?" Shepard plowed into engineering.

Donnelly and Daniels flipped around at the same time. Adams peeked his head around the corner and evaluated the crowd.

"Looking for your photo?" Adams asked.

Shepard put fists on her hips. "You've seen them?"

"Oh. We wanted to," Donnelly said.

Daniels elbowed him. "Tali didn't show us, Commander. Donnelly was so thoughtful though. He submitted photos of Adams and me."

"Shouldn't fall asleep at your terminal," Donnelly said.

"Don't worry," Daniels said. "I submitted my own photo of you."

"Submitted for what?" Shepard said.

Javik came in behind them. "The quarian is in the starboard lounge."

"What?" Shepard said exasperated. "Back to the elevator, Everyone. We're getting this figured out."

Bursting onto the crew deck, Shepard ran into Dr. Chakwas coming out of the Starboard Lounge.

"Have an embarrassing picture get nabbed?" Shepard asked.

"Oh, my yes. Absolutely horrible. You'll all get a good kick out of it." Dr. Chakwas patted her arm and moved toward the med bay.

Shepard led the way into the Starboard Lounge. Her entourage boiled in behind her, the engineers at the back. Tali stood across the room. She clasped her hands in front of her.

"Oh. I was about to-"

"Where's my picture? The one from Noveria."

Tali put a hand out indicating the wall. Picture frames with dark screens filled the wall.

"No one's seen them but me," Tali said. "It's been so tense. Serious. Sad lately. I thought it would be fun."

A single frame in the left-hand corner lit the dark space. It was the only frame with a picture. Dr. Chakwas was spitting out her beverage in wild laughter, hand over her mouth, eyes pinched in amusement. The spray escaped through the cracks of her fingers in a perfectly captured mist.

"Dr. Chakwas might not want that up there." Shepard pointed at it. "I don't want mine up. It's haunted me enough already."

"Dr. Chakwas gave me permission," Tali said.

"Not sure about law on the flotilla," Joker said, "but stealing isn't exactly permission."

"I can give the photos back," Tali said. "But I thought we needed something to laugh at. Somewhere to go and see the people you care about not being upset or sad, just happy. Goofy."

Tali strode to the wall. She put her palm on one of the dark picture frames. It scanned her hand. When she pulled back, a picture came into focus. It was Tali on Feros. Shepard had forgotten it: Tali slipping in the murky tunnel. In the picture, she was on her feet twisting to look at a tear in the butt of her suit. Her entire back and legs dripped green goop.

"Oh, my suit!" Tali said, turning away from the picture on the wall. It was the same thing she said when Shepard hauled Tali to her feet on Feros. Almost three years ago now.

"Ash took that picture," Kaidan said.

Tali bobbed her head. "She gave me a copy. When I look at it, I still hear her laughing."

"Which of mine did you choose?" James rubbed his hands. "I've got some good ones."

"Find out." Tali gestured to the wall of dark pictures.

James strolled to the nearest frame, and chuckling, pressed his palm to the glass. The palm scan faded and a picture appeared. James stood back.

"Wait. Whoa, whoa!" James gawked. "That my prom picture? No way. All my party shenanigans, and this one? I got curly hair in this."

"Just like your date." Joker cracked a smile. "Not your cousin, is she? I like the matchy colors going on."

"Ah!" James pawed a hand at it and stepped back into the group. "It's kinda funny, I guess."

"You're so small. Skinny," Liara said stepping closer and peered at it.

"Takes work to keep these guns loaded." James flexed.

"I'll do it," Liara said and put her palm on a frame.

A picture appeared. James and Joker slapped hands over their mouth laughing.

"You weren't joking about that yellow." James patted her back as she stepped into line again. "I like you in yellow, Blue."

The engineers went next. Pictures brightened the room to hoots of laughter. Daniels shoved Donnelly back into the crowd.

"Shoulda enlarged Gab's face," Donnelly said. "I've got another one, Tali. Better angle that really lets you see the snore and drool."

"Your Spandex yoga pose is worse than my drool," Daniels said.

Kaidan walked to the wall and put his palm out. He stepped back as the photo appeared.

Liara frowned. "Humans can have hair parasites. Is that …"

"It's a space hamster," Kaidan said. "Not a parasite."

Shepard harrumphed. "You seen the rations he runs me through? He's a parasite."

Garrus clapped Kaidan's shoulder and stepped forward himself. He touched a dark picture frame. The Iketel was as lovely as Shepard imagined, and Garrus looked as lovely in it as she also imagined.

"Tali," Garrus said. "Next time you turn up in the battery with a bottle of dextran wine … I have worse pictures I can show you. Bring two bottles."

Tali squeezed her palms together and lifted on the balls of her feet. "I promise not to share them next time."

Javik glanced around. "Though above your uncultured bids at amusement, I have decided to conform. Best to prevent hostility." Javik touched a frame.

Daniells hooted and raised a fist in the air. "My boa! See, Ken, you thought it was a waste buying a costume."

"Said to junk the flapper dress. Just wear a boa. That's a costume."

Everyone turned their eyes to Joker and Shepard.

"You don't have to put your pictures up," Tali reassured. "Or you can give me another one."

"Didn't know that was an option," James said. "Rather be playing beer pong with my shirt off than coordinating corsage colors."

"It had to be truly embarrassing to really work," Tali said. "But if that's the only way …"

"Ah! Fine!" Joker hobbled to the wall. With a grimace, he pressed his palm to a dark picture frame. The picture lit up, and he moaned. "Not the hair removal."

"Woo. Brutal, man." James's face twisted. "Are you crying in that pic?"

"Broken bones hurt less." Joker shuffled back to stand by Shepard. "Back hair. Like, what's wrong with back hair?"

Shepard could feel the eyes weighing on her.

"All right." Breath exploded from her mouth. She charged to the wall and slapped a hand on a frame before she could rethink.

"Woof, Commander." Joker threw his head back and laughed. "Someone's finally captured the real you."

"Nice, Lola." James whistled. He reached over and socked her in the arm.

She stepped back beside Kaidan. His hand touched her back, and he grinned sideways at her.

"Just say it," Shepard said.

"Decalf-ienated."

Shepard smirked but shook her head. Everyone gathered around the wall pointing out details, laughing, and trading stories. One by one they dwindled away.

"All right, Tali. It was a good idea," Shepard said grudgingly. "Thought you were just getting the Noveria picture back from Kaidan for me. Tsk. Well, it worked it out. You could ask next time."

"No one would have said yes. Had to be in a group like this for anyone to do it."

The lounge door opened and footsteps marched in. Traynor's eyes narrowed on Tali. "Do you have my picture from St. Patrick's Day?"

Shepard chuckled. "There's a dark frame in the corner. I'm betting she does have that picture."

Two nights later, Shepard couldn't sleep. She slunk down into the observation lounge in her sweats and stared at the wall of glowing faces. She walked along the frames, and her cheeks ached from grinning.

She touched the bit of fur on Kaidan's head and laughed. James's prom date did share a resemblance. Joker could be on to something about it being a cousin. Shepard squinted at Dr. Chakwas. The cut off arm on the edge of the picture had a birthmark on the wrist. It was Adams she was laughing with. Shepard backed up and looked at the wall. Friends and better times. Tali was right. It was good to have a little light in the gloom.


	24. Chapter 24

The air hung heavy in the room. Shepard's friends stood around the war room table staring at the map, red with overrun star systems. It wasn't long now. They all knew their lives were measured in hours not weeks now. The reapers had destroyed everyone's home, taken the lives of people they loved, and condemned an entire galaxy to genocide. But the reapers wouldn't win. Couldn't win. So that's what Shepard told them. It didn't fill the hollowness in anyone's eyes.

"Dismissed," she said at last.

Each person filing out the door was a person she would die to save. Hopefully, she got the chance to save them all and the galaxy with them. Shepard hunched over the war room map. She'd had a fulfilling life. The last few years, months, had made all the decades before it worth living. If it meant to end, then so be it.

Shepard glanced up at the door, but it was empty. Kaidan had left with everyone else. Her pointed eye contact with him when she said dismissed must have carried her message loud and clear. The time was coming she'd say it for the last time, and he'd better listen like all the rest. For now, she just wanted to stare at the map and think, forget about the empty expressions and long silence.

XXX

He was waiting outside her cabin. Shepard stepped out of the elevator with a sigh. She'd been trying to avoid this. It was inevitable he'd bring it up again - those words in the med bay, while she recovered from Leviathan. If he never brought it up again, or rather, never had the chance, maybe the situation would never happen. Having him reiterate it to her would only cement his resolve. Next time she made pointed eye contact and said 'leave,' he wouldn't.

"You've been waiting for me?"

He crossed the distance between them in two long strides, grabbed her by the face, and kissed her. It was almost rough. Kaidan was never rough. They stumbled through the cabin door, Kaidan already unbuttoning her shirt.

"You okay?" Shepard pulled her face back.

He nodded, mumbled something, and kissed her mouth. It was hungry and explosive. He always took his time, tested her patience, stirred the fire until she wanted to turn him in for arson. This time, he drove her to the breaking point. She couldn't catch her breath. They were both left jittery, panting, and sweaty.

He rested on his elbows and kissed her - slow, deep, gentle, his fingers tangled in her hair. Shepard's heart wound down into a slow thud. Sweat dried on their skin. Still, he kissed her. He kissed her until her lips were swollen and her arms tired circling his neck. Their faces were starting to stick together. Wet. Shepard's chest tightened. He must have sensed the stiffening return in her kiss. He pressed their foreheads together, stared into her eyes a moment, then rolled onto his side.

"What's going on, Kaidan?"

"I … I don't know. I just wanted to be with you."

Shepard rolled onto her side and faced him. "What? You don't think we'll win?"

"We'll win." He caressed his fingers down the side of her face. "Everyone together, we'll win."

"Then what's this?" Shepard touched the wetness on his cheek.

"Sometimes a win comes at a cost."

"Ah." Shepard pursed her lips. "Don't think about that. Why worry over something that hasn't happened?"

"All right."

Nothing changed in his expression. His eyes still gazed back at her weak and wet. His mouth was set in a hard line, the sheen of tears on his upper lip.

"Think about the Pacific." Shepard scooted closer and bunched the pillow under her head. "When this is over, you said you wanted to live on the Pacific and walk in the surf. Think about that waiting on the other side."

"That was never the part that mattered." Kaidan gripped her waist. "It was sharing it with you."

"I'll be there," Shepard said quickly and gave a tight smile.

"We'll be together" was all he said back.

His smile was just as tight. It felt like a shadow had fallen between them. Then he said what she'd been dreading.

"You're not going to be alone this time."

"Kaidan …"

"I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of living without you. I don't want to stand in the surf alone."

Shepard licked her lips, heart pounding. "Kaidan, when I was dying above Alchera, do you know what gave me peace?" He looked away, face already scrunching like he knew what she would say. She turned his face back to her. "It was knowing you weren't with me. You were safe. Alive. That's what gave me rest. Do you really think spinning into space beside me would have made it easier? Hell, Kaidan. It would have made it worse. Ten times worse. A million. I would have been in agony knowing you were there. Don't say you want that for me."

A tear crept down his cheek. He opened his mouth but his voice caught. He set his jaw and said nothing instead.

Shepard touched his cheek. "I'd rather be thinking of you standing in that surf alone, knowing you'll go on and remember me. Not throwing yourself into the flames to mingle our ashes. Do you think that will matter in the moment? If you really want to keep me alive, then stay alive yourself. Think of me but move on. That will be enough. That would be my dying wish." She sat up on an elbow and tried to smile. "You're not going to deny someone her dying wish, right?"

"What about my dying wish?"

"You're not dying."

"Then neither are you," he said, jaw jutting and eyes brightening with a challenge.

"Then, there we go. We both come out together, alive." She settled back on the pillow. "We'll be a little scorched. Won't be able to get the smoke smell out of our hair for a few years. We'll be alive and together. Right?"

But Kaidan didn't say anything. He brushed hair back from her face with that look still in his eye. "I give you your way a lot of the time, but not this time. I'm sorry."

Shepard's face tightened, but she smoothed out the frown.

"They'll be no need," she said in a bright voice. "We'll stand in the Pacific surf just like you imagined.

XXX

Kaidan stepped in next to Shepard. Earth glowed in the observation deck's window. It wasn't a pleasant glow like a star or comet, it was the glow of an inferno and billions of deaths. The loss of humanity's cradle, maybe humanity. They were too far to hear the screams. The shadow of a thousand reapers moved over the surface.

"Birthplace of humanity," Shepard said.

They were finally here. The moment they'd strained to reach. Twenty-four hours from now, it would be decided. It would either be the most important victory in their history or a pitiful, desperate last attempt in the reaper's history. Shepard had given them a fighting chance, and they'd see it through.

Kaidan took her hand and interlocked their fingers. "Fleet's almost through the relay. Hackett's coming aboard."

Shepard nodded, silent, eyes fixed on the turning globe in the distance.

"Did you like it there?" Kaidan asked. "Earth. Vancouver."

"For six months? Saw four walls more than anything else." She shifted her weight then squeezed his fingers. "Yeah, I liked it."

Kaidan gave her a one-sided smile and squeezed her hand back. He didn't need to say it. They both knew – _I wish I could have shown it to you. _But, there wasn't any time left for regrets and wishes. There was only forward now.

"I better get up there," Shepard said and dropped his hand.

"Shepard." Kaidan turned. "It's your moment, but you know you're not alone, right? Not just me. We're all here. We've got your back."

Shepard gave a tight smile. "Yeah." She paused and their eyes locked. Her lips parted as if about to say something, but then her jaw snapped shut. "See you up top, Major."

She turned and walked out the door. Kaidan's eyes shifted back to the window. Metal bodies flashed in the cloud hanging over Earth. The Citadel gleamed brightest of all. The Crucible was coming. It was probably through the relay already.

Kaidan straightened and drew in a deep breath. It was the end of everything or a new beginning. He was going to make sure it was the new beginning. Maybe not for himself, maybe not for Shepard or anyone here, but for humanity. For the asari, the turians, the krogan, hanar, elcor, volus, and vorcha. For Life. He didn't mind dying for Life.

XXX

The Citadel exploded over and over again on the screen. Kaidan put a hand over his mouth. Everyone stood around the CIC terminal dazed from the crash. Light flickered over their faces as they watched the recording from the external camera replay over and over again.

It was silent except for their breathing and the bird cries echoing down the gangway. The airlock door was forced open. Sunlight burned away Kaidan's view of the cockpit. This was a garden world. Kaidan had already looked around, kicked a few rocks, breathed the humidity, and ran his fingers through the leaves.

Now, though, all he could see was the Crucible bursting apart in a bloom of red energy. The wave of energy expanded out. Reapers curled like spiders writhing in a flame. Then the Normandy jumped. The cameras caught only light. The Crucible exploded in the final frames. The Alliance soldiers huddled around the screen probably focused on the reapers frozen and drifting in the final seconds. Kaidan could only see the explosion.

"Did you hear the audio? Admiral Hackett with the Crucible?" Garrus stood beside Kaidan.

Kaidan nodded but didn't trust his voice. If it wasn't enough the Crucible's flames overlayed every direction he looked, he could hear her voice over any silence.

_I don't see—I'm not sure how to ..._

Then silence. Only Hackett's voice. _Commander? Commander?_

She'd made it. Made it through the beam to the Crucible. She had been on the Citadel, ignited the Crucible, and saved them all. There wasn't confirmation. There weren't any reapers over this world to see them fall from the sky. But they knew it was over. From the external cameras, before the jump, the surge had killed the reapers over Earth. The energy had come through the relay. It must have spread through the galaxy. They'd won. Kaidan swallowed against the dry lump swelling in his throat.

He was in command now. He needed to delegate orders, make a plan, attempt repairs. They needed fresh water and food. They needed to figure out where the hell they had even crashed. In this moment, though, with the explosion replaying and hearing her voice cut away with that gasp, it felt like it wasn't worth it. Around him were tentative smiles, loosening breath, and whispered words of wonder and awe. They'd won, but Kaidan didn't feel like a winner. He had never wanted to be on Alchera again. This was jungle instead of ice and stone, but it was the same.

"Major, should we try radio signals? The planet could be inhabited," Traynor asked.

Kaidan nodded. He pulled his eyes from the screen and turned. "We need to inventory our supplies, ration, see what we can gather from the planet while we're here. Bensen, Hoffman, Joshi – scout out a circumference of 100 meters. Traynor, check radio frequencies. Tellers, inventory the mess with Sayid. Anyone already checked with Dr. Chakwas about triaging the injured?"

The intra-ship comms were down. The frozen elevator was going to make everything harder. James rambled out of the war room. He must have come up the maintenance ladder. It was their gateway to the crew deck until the elevator was fixed.

"Dr. Chakwas pulled in some help," James said, his arm in a sling. He raised a palm when one of the corporals came toward him. "Yeah. I'm good. They got concussions and broken stuff down there. This is nothing."

They would need to ration medigel. The thought stung Kaidan. How much medigel had he used a few hours ago while floating in and out of consciousness in med bay? If he concentrated on it, he could still feel the ache in his bones, sharpness in his ribs, the throbbing in his head. It was the least of his worries. It almost felt good to feel bad. Feel bad when Shepard wasn't even …

"All right," Kaidan said. "I want Adams and the other engineers in the war room in an hour. If anyone has something significant to contribute to restoring the ship, show up. Two hours I want senior officers in there. We'll make a short-term plan about provisions, communication, and orient ourselves. Everyone else without a job see Lieutenant Vega."

"What?" James said.

Kaidan leaned into him as he passed. "Delegated delegating. Just gave you a job."

"Uh …"

A line formed in front of James. He gave a wary smile and called for old fashion paper and pen. Kaidan continued toward the sunlight. Dust drifted in the white ray illuminating the cockpit. EDI's body slouched in the copilot's chair, head bowed, and the navigation console flashing in front of her. Kaidan continued out the airlock door.

The humidity washed over him. Around him spread a rainforest with vibrant greens, a scent of exotic blooms, and the taste of wet earth in each breath. Blue skies spread overhead and wildlife chirped in the canopy, beautiful if not for the static of a growing distance numbing his every sense.

"Hey, Joker." Kaidan dropped down on his heels beside to him.

Joker shot Kaidan a sharp look, adjusted his baseball cap, and looked back to the horizon.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan said.

"Yeah, well. Me too." Joker threw a stone down the ravine in front of them. He turned another stone in his fingers and flung it too.

"You hurt?" Kaidan asked.

"Uh, I got this disease called Vrolik syndrome. So, no, Kaidan, you're in a crashing ship with Vrolik syndrome, doesn't exactly feel like the carnival."

"I suppose you won't accept help getting down to the crew deck to see Dr. Chakwas."

"I'm fine." Joker flung another stone skipping over the boulders below. "Just like to be alone right now."

"Yeah. All right." Kaidan stood.

Kaidan found the other person he was looking for. A slender silhouette stood at the edge of a rocky drop. Her back was rigid, arms crossed, staring out over the dark canopy below.

"Hello, Kaidan," Liara whispered, keeping her eyes forward.

She blinked rapidly, jaw tight and jutted forward. Kaidan wasn't sure what to say. Air balled in his throat even considering what the right words might be. Instead he crossed his arms and stared out over the layers of leaves and twisting tree trunks.

"She could be alive," Kaidan said.

"For how much longer?" Liara bowed her head and drew in a sharp breath. "They won't be looking for her."

"We don't know that," Kaidan said mildly, but the heaviness in his chest smothered out more assurance. It was true, people could be looking for her. If the chaos and destruction was as bad as it seemed though … There were priorities.

"I suppose you're right," Liara murmured.

Kaidan put a hand on her back. She looked up at him, eyes reflective and dewy, and gave a weak smile.

"She did it," Liara said.

"Yeah, she did." Kaidan's voice broke. He looked away sharply into the dying sunlight and drew in a deep breath.

Liara leaned into him. "I loved her."

"So do I," Kaidan said. He stretched his arm around her shoulder. "She surprised us before. This will be just one more time."

Liara bit her lip and nodded. "Yes, I hope so."

Kaidan smiled into the sunset. He'd learned not to underestimate Shepard. He wouldn't let go until he knew for sure. They would find out where they'd crashed, repair the ship, and navigate home. Shepard would be right there waiting for them.

"She did it," Kaidan whispered again and smiled.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Author Note: Thank you, everyone, for reading along. For various reasons I don't intend to post on FFN much in the future. If you're still interested in following my stories, I'll be posting on Archive of Our Own (LJAndersen : /users/LJANdersen ). I also have a Tumblr for those who are interested (LJAndersen : ). Thanks again!


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